On the Wagon... Off the Wagon... On the Wagon... and You Guessed it... OFF THE WAGON!

Seems like it's confession time again. Its so embarrassing to come clean with you that once again I am off the clean, healthy, fruit and veggie, hay filled wagon and instead have clamored on to a wagon containing processed easy food and anything else that makes me want to sleep. Why oh why did I promise to be honest when I started this blog. Well the good news is that I haven't gained any weight back, the bad news is that it`s coming. I know that I cant keep eating things that are not fit for human consumption and expect to maintain weight loss. I haven't noticed a difference in the scales but i certainly have noticed a difference in my over all wellness and energy level. I am just so tired all the time, and add night shifts to that and you come up with a sleepy, sleepy lady. So what makes me do it? Throw my logic out the window and say bring on the regular Pepsi!! I wonder sometimes if there is something wrong with my brain... if the part of my brain that reasons healthy choices is ill and has been replaced by a sugar craving sicko. The sad thing is that I have so much head knowledge about healthy eating and what sugar and processed foods do to the body. Seriously, I could teach a course on it. I know it, but I cant live it. That's sad. So where do I go from here? I guess I will have to wait for my surgery that will hopefully fix some of the problem, and wake up each morning with intentions to be good. I have been honest with you again, lets hope on my next posting I am exclaiming a weight loss and a surgery date. here's hoping. I also would like to be able to walk into a room without feeling like every person in it is looking at me and judging me. but i think that's another topic for another time... way too many bottled up emotions to tackle that one right now. maybe next time though!

WHAT!!???!!!

Ever have one of those moments when you hear something and you are like... WHAT??!!?? No other words seem to describe what you have heard because its so shocking. well welcome my week. I had a routine eye appointment at which I figured I would find out that my eye was fine and my lost vision would come back soon... surely my eye must be bionic by now with all the steroids I have been putting in it. Sitting across from my opthamologist waiting for him to tell me I was fine, but instead I hear him say that i have cataracts. Cataracts... seriously my grandmother just had a cataract removed. How did this happen? So now I waiting for another surgery (and id like to mention that someone told me you can smell burning while having they eye surgery done... and I don't even know what to say to that) so here i am again waiting waiting, waiting. This may not make sense to a lot of you but i blame my eating for this too. I found out a few years ago that I have an auto immune disorder which likes to attack my eye with inflammation, this has caused me to have vision problems for the past few years. The thing is when I am eating a specific diet plan a lot of my problems with inflammation goes away, but that takes sugar, and all processed food from my life. I have been doing the sugar detox for a while now have lost some weight, thirteen pounds (yo yo) but lately it seems like one step forward with my weight and two steps back. Now here I am waiting for a surgery where they will take eighty percent of my stomach and a cataract from my eye and I have no idea when either will take place. So its safe to say I feel like im in a endless tunnel of waiting. So I think I need to find something to do to encourage myself... any suggestions? oh well clean eating it is for the next little while. I would to have some company on the journey... any takers :)

Good bye sugar... ill miss you. So this is where i am right now, ill keep you updated.

Just Checking In

I have been trying very hard lately (with great difficulty) to remain below my surgery requirement weight. It has been almost a year of waiting now, and I am pretty sure I have almost that much time left to wait, or more. It can get frustrating and discouraging after a while. Summer was especially difficult to remain on tract because I had been working permanent nights and, still am. The last thing you want to do when you wake up at two pm is make a healthy meal, and at two am, you want to eat to stay awake, and of course get rid of that yucky feeling in the pit of your stomach. So the summer has been difficult. Another thing I have been dealing with is a pesky problem of inflammation. This has been plaguing me for several years. Strange red inflamed spots on my skin that leave behind ugly bruises. I have had several tests done to see what the problem is but the results are always normal. Whats not normal are the ugly disfiguring marks on my body. I have come to realize that the food i eat trigger these problems. When i eat a lot of sugar (ahem, night shifts) the problem always gets worst. A few years back i went on a processed food and sugar detox. I simply cut it from my life, and I was a new person. NO inflammation, enormous weight loss, and energy to burn. So why you ask (im sure you are all wondering) did I start eating it again... because that is my pattern. I do well then i must punish myself. I am a member of the 95 percent of people who gain back their weight and go back to bad lifestyles... I am aware of this. Some people may call it stupid or moronic or say its my own fault, i call it an addiction. So i'm back on the sugar detox again! My legs and my eye got really bad again so I knew I needed to do something. I'm a week in now and feeling FANTASTIC. No chemicals, locally grown veggies, lots of chicken and fish. I wish I could do it forever, but again, I know my pattern.

Another thing i am struggling with is emotional eating. I recently got some devastating news. News that hit me like a sledge hammer in the stomach. Time for mcdonalds to wipe my tears. well not this time. I'm sticking to my detox plan and taking it day by day. I'm trying to find better ways to cope with my hurt, I've been talking to friends and family, singing (its been a long time), writing, and just finding other things to do. Mary Browns and Mcdonalds are taking a back seat to goji pop tea with unpasteurized honey. I have enough self awareness to know my pattern and know that I can slip back in a second, hence the need for surgery, but i thought id share with you where I am right now... always good to have some friends to talk to. Happy thanksgiving everyone, I hope today finds you as blessed as I am. I have the sweetest boys in the world...all three of them. Who could ask for anything more.

The Great Cover Up

While rifling through my closet today I noticed something strange. I have lots of shirts, some dresses, a few pairs of pants, and TONNES of cover ups! For me a cover up is a piece of clothing that covers up issues with my body.For instance, I love tank tops but I have arm issues so I will wear tank or halter tops and then to cover up my arms will put on a sweater or shrug, and in the process I cover up my pretty shirt. Also I have major stomach issues. If I have somthing on and I pass a mirror and happen to see my stomach I instantly need to find something to cover it up! In the process I end up covering up a pretty shirt or dress. I tried to pin point the time when I began wearing all these sweaters and shrugs, and I came to the conclusion that it was in university. I had a long black vest (i know that sounds hilarious) and I felt like it covered my behind so I wore it quite often, then i looked for other things to cover up issues. I was getting ready to go out with a couple of friends when my friends mother commented on my vest saying, "you look nice Amanda, that vest covers up a lot of flaws" At the time I didn't take this as an insult but thinking back on it it makes me wonder if it has added to my cover up addiction, which has become this

Im still waiting for my call for orientation for surgery. It seems like a dream at the moment. There is a long waiting list and to be honest i'm not sure where i am on it, it may be months away or a year away. I just pray that i can keep my BMI in surgery range, it has been a struggle. I have been doing ok with my wieght but not excellent. I have maintained... no thats not true, I have gained five pounds but in my world that feels like nothing. I keep looking forward to the day when i wont have to cover up anymore. To dress how i want to dress and not worry about what is hanging out. I know in my heart that i don't have to cover up now but my mind wont let me go there... so what do you think, to cover up or not to cover up. I wonder can my self esteem handle uncovering?

SABOTAGE!!

     I am really angry today. I am being constantly sabotaged in my effort to lose weight by a ruthless individual. The moment I start to feel good she comes swooping in to hinder me in my process, and believe me she is a master manipulator. In her convincing tone she assures me that one doughnut will not hurt, just add it in to your calories for the day. You have been doing so well she says in her most sympathetic voice, Believe me, You deserve it! This morning she said to me, "Amanda, just look at how differently you eat now than you did before, that has to count for something, one... or maybe two doughnuts aren't going to hurt you. And that yummy looking pastry on the counter that has cheese on it, you are doing so well that this little pastry  wont hurt you... with the doughnut of course. Ughhh, she can talk me into anything. My saboteur is myself.
     I have already said in my earlier posts that I have been struggling with weight for most of my life. This means countless diets and probably hundreds of pounds lost. One of my patterns is that when i lose a significant amount of weight, enough for other people to notice, I immediately begin to slack off. I'm not sure of the psychology behind this. I have no idea why the very thing that should give me incentive to work harder, instead gives me some sort of permission to slack off, and believe me, when I slack off I really slack off. I have this unhealthy relationship with food that dictates my whole life. If I'm avoiding food I'm unhappy, If I'm eating everything I want, I'm unhappy and disgusted with myself. This is why I have opted for surgery, I obviously need help with this. I heard an absolutely terrifying statistic the other day. People who are morbidly obese, and much to my horror I fit this category, the chance of losing one hundred or more pounds and effectively keeping that weight off is five percent. FIVE PERCENT!!! Seriously, that's basically no percent. I really don't want to do all this work to gain it all back in a few years, with more besides... i have done that too many times already.

     I really don't know what the answer is for me. I'm still trying to lose and be more aware of what I am putting in my body, and trying to exercise but I feel like I'm constantly fighting. One thing that I am doing is being honest. I have pretended my weight problem wasn't real for a long time. I didn't discuss it,  hid in the background, tried my best to avoid the subject at all cost... well this blog has certainly put a stop to that. I have been toying with the idea of putting my before and after weight on the blog as I go along. Can't be much more accountable than that. I don't think I'm ready for that yet though.
     So for today I will try and ignore the little voice that tries to sabotage me when I am doing good. Ill try and forget my missteps this morning and travel on in a more productive eating pattern for the rest of the day. This really has a lot of power over me... I think its time to take that power back!


oh and by the way that strawberry pastry in the picture was made by my husband!!

Four Month Progress

  A little update for you all who are interested.  I got referred for surgery in December of this year, however, I didn't try to lose weight until after Christmas because lets face it...it was Christmas. So I began trying to lose weight but it was really hard for me this time. I had done so many diets in the past that I really didn't feel I could start the process again, and when I did it  seemed like I didn't have the steam to follow through. So I contacted a trainer who put me on a diet and exercise plan, my metabolism was shot and she is helping me get back on track. Since January of this year i have lost thirty four pounds!! feels like a drop in the ocean right at the moment but that's where I'm at.

Horizontal Stripes

 I have been sitting next to my dresser for the last thirty minutes looking for something to wear, getting frustrated because there was no magical new shirt appearing each time I riffle through. I hate clothes. I hate buying clothes, I hate trying on clothes, I hate how clothes fit me and but most of all, I hate not having enough. Getting ready to go anywhere is horrible for me. I can lay out clothes for my boys and Bill and they will pick it up put it on with no hesitation... with me there is a ritual. I try it on, a shirt that I may have loved when I tried it on the first time, but on the way out the door I have to pass by a mirror in my hallway, then all of a sudden I hate what Im wearing and I have to change it. This may happen several times. I avoid looking in mirrors or reflective windows. It makes shopping terrible. There was a point in my life that I looked in every mirror I saw, but now I don't... because it gives me a horrible, uncomfortable feeling.
     As I said I hate  getting ready to go places, the main thing I feel is angry. I'm angry at myself for being the way I am and Im angry that there is no where I can shop without spending fifty dollars for a t shirt, I'm angry that I don't look the way I would like to look in my clothes, and I'm angry that there is never anything I want to wear.
      I have developed a bit of an online shopping addiction recently, actually I dont shop as much as i look. If  I think it wont look good on me I just scroll on past. The trouble is that I usually scroll on past everything. I  was just looking at a site with a pretty tank top with black horizontal stripes and I really liked it. Then I had a memory, I was in junior high sitting next to a girl in my class, not a girl who was a good friend but someone I sat next too who was also slightly over weight. We were for some reason looking at catalogues (probably some down time) and for some reason my teacher said in front of the entire class Amanda and (lets just call her Brenda) Brenda, why is it that you two shouldn't wear horizontal stripes? This was horrifying enough but she made each of us answer her and say exactly why we shouldn't wear them. Because it makes you look wider. Yes I really needed to announce to the class that I couldn't wear them because i was fat.  Even after "Brenda" had announced her reason I remained quiet, this was not good enough she looked at me and said Amanda why is it that you shouldn't wear horizontal stripes? the quicker I answered the sooner everyone would stop looking at me.

     Makes you wonder if this may have something to do with the reason I hate clothes. I think we need to be more aware of how powerful our words are on younger people... it can alter perception. I think I may buy that shirt!

Thanks Again Grenfell!!

     So another night another stop on my journey... this stop includes again, major embarrassment. I don't enjoy writing these post that embarrass me, tonight however, I am so frustrated I feel like I have no choice but to write about it. I guess its therapeutic. This has been one of the worst weeks I can ever remember. I worked three night shifts in a row, no big deal I do that all the time, I can catch up on my sleep when they are over. I can unless my husband gets an attack of the kidney stones and we spend our three nights off awake waiting for the pain to go away or visiting our emergency room. The valuable time we are in between kidney stone attacks, instead of studying for my upcoming exams I end up sleeping because lets face it, sleep takes over even when you don't want it to.
     Thankfully bill passed the stone this morning, this evening I had an exam. So after nights of no sleep, driving back and forth to corner brook, waiting in waiting rooms, and worrying, I have an exam. Did I study? Yes I did. Was it good quality studying? Probably not. But going into the exam I knew my stuff. I Walk toward the exam room, after walking up two flights of stairs huffing and puffing (and sweating) I see that people are already writing the exam.... Oh no! please tell me I didn't miscalculate the time of the exam again. A gentleman walks toward me and tells me my exam has been moved. IMMEDIATELY I get sick to my stomach... oh no not again. So I walk to where he has pointed, there is a room with no desks, I think "well that's odd, but no desks are better than little desks!" The invigilator says to me "Amanda" (she knows me by name, I think that's nice) were sorting it all out the exam is down the hall. I walk down the hall and see a room full of tiny little desks like my little boy sits at in school. I groan inwardly and walk back to the invigilator. Sensing my panic her and the other invigilator begin talking quietly and nodding. They call me over "the only solution we have is to have you write the exam with the french class (GREAT), however its an oral french exam, so a cd will be playing throughout the whole test.So here are my choices, go and write the exam in a room with no chair I can sit in or in a room where a french woman is rambling on for fifty minutes.All while making this decision the people in the hall are staring at me. It frustrates me to write an exam when pages are being turned much less another language being spoken. The people writing the french test had to move toward the front of the class because the cd couldn't be turned on full blast because the group next door wouldn't be able to concentrate!!!!!
     So i begin writing my exam... The five principles of feminist social work are... COMMENT ALLEZ VOUS!! 

OK, so i start again, The five principles of feminist... BONJOUR MADAMOSELLE!!!!   One more time... The five principles of fe... C'EST BIEN!!!!  So this went on for the remainder of my exam. Not a good night. I try to end these blogs on a positive note but to be honest I really don't think there is a positive note to end it on. Its so gross to be writing a final with tears burning the back of your eye lids and a huge lump in your throat. SIGH. So i Guess Ill plug on. Ill resist the urge to buy a tub of butterscotch icecream to bring to work with me and hope for a better night tomorrow night when i write my english exam.

successes :)

     I know i just posted a blog the other day but i was flicking through a few pics on my son's phone and saw this pic of me and him during Christmas (isn't he cute).

while trying to get a pic of my new glasses to send my cousin, (because I think they are Ginormous) I took this I can see a difference... can you?

Set Backs... Make That Temporary Set Backs

So today I'm going to talk about set backs... mainly because I'm in the middle of a huge one. Ughhh, once again I am suffering from self destruction. Its hard to understand the hold that food has over my life. I don't think I will ever be able to fully understand it. I never self sabotage because of hunger. Hunger does not make me eat... wanting to eat makes me eat. There are lots of excuses I could use to explain my set back this time.
     Excuse #1. Night shifts. I have been working a large number of night shifts recently. Now, when I work a night I have to eat or I just  feel horrible... actually it is a twelve hour work day, only its dark out. So I bring munchy food to get me through the hours that i want to be sleeping but cant. Of course i give myself allowance because "I'm only doing this to get myself through the night" the thing is I could still be making wise choices at night, but I don't. so my excuse holds very little validity.
     Excuse #2. I've been sick. I have to admit, I have never been as sick as I have been recently. I had the worst flu ever. Because of this I totally gave myself allowance to stop... well, everything. I didn't exercise because I had no energy, I didn't eat right because I had no energy to put into working at getting healthy meals. I really wanted comfort food. One day of comfort food turned into the next, which turned into the next, and so on and so on.
     Excuse #3. studying. I have had so much work to do that every evening I have been studying and writing papers and reading Shakespeare, how could i ever have time to exercise while doing all this! Ten minutes of walking is impossible!! (sarcasm) for all of you that do not know me well... I always need to clarify when I am being sarcastic... just in case.
     Throughout my life one thing I have been exceptionally good at when it comes to eating is making excuses about my eating. I really need to wrap my head around the fact that I'm not dieting this time...  am getting healthy, and I really, really want to be healthy. The surgery I am on the waiting list for is looming ahead of me next year some time I assume, and I really need to be as strong as I can be to get through it. I cant put any more weight on, (besides the seven pounds I put back on already... I promised id be honest) and I need to lose as much as I possibly can before then.
     Once again I am starting over. There is no point in getting down and upset with myself, well more upset than I already am. So here goes, starting again. Feel free to follow along. I like the support!

Little Accomplishments!

     Hey, I thought I would talk about some of my little accomplishments. I have written about my weight loss so far, but there are more things happening besides the scales dipping down. Actually I have to admit that I  have had a bad food week. I seemed to have a bad beginning and it kept following me throughout the week. It really is a battle every day.
     On a positive note, I have been going to the gym, walking and generally trying to be more active. This week we are starting aqua size, I cant wait!! Since trying to become more active I have noticed some subtle changes. This week I had to have my eyes tested, and if you know anything about Corner Brook, you know its a city built on a hill. To get any where you either have to go up or down. So since I have started driving a standard I avoid hills at all cost. I drove to my appointment, parked on the bottom of the hill and walked up to the office, (in the pouring rain). When I got to the top of the hill I saw a sign in the window that said open in fifteen minutes. So i walked back down the hill, only to walk back up a few minutes later. I was sitting in the waiting room before i finally realised that I wasn't winded from the walk. My face wasn't red and I didn't feel like I could collapse. Little accomplishment #1.
     You all know that I find it difficult to admit just how far I have gone when it comes to my health and what shape I am in. One issue for me was going to church. I have suffered from a bad back for a while now and I assume it is connected to my weight. One problem this brings with it is standing for long periods of time. I get a horrible pain in my lower back, causing me to sit down when everyone else is standing. I would find this very embarrassing. This week I went back after being away for a few weeks, and noticed that my back didn't get bad while standing. I still felt the beginnings of the pain that caused me to sit down all the time, but it never got bad enough for me to actually have to sit down. Little accomplishment #2.
     We have a new car which I have mentioned several times, and I had been having difficulty reaching the clutch because I had the seat pushed way back because I felt tight sitting up too close. In the past week I have noticed that when i get in I pull the seat closer and closer to the steering wheel. I have noticed that I can pull it ahead way further and reaching the clutch is becoming a non issue. Little accomplishment #3
     Still dealing with the car, I have noticed that I have much more slack in the seat belt. Small accomplishment #4.
     I am seeing differences, If i can keep telling myself to keep on keeping on it should be all good. I do have trouble with night time eating... its been a struggle to avoid night time snacking, any one have any suggestions to offer? Any way, I thought I would keep you posted on my small accomplishments!

Mini... Actually Massive Melt Downs!!

     OK, I have come to realise that honesty is really hard. I planned on being open about every aspect of my weight loss journey this time, and had good intentions of telling the whole story, whether its pretty or not. But to be honest with you, that is really hard! I have secrets about eating and exercise that no one knows about but me, and to break down and tell some of those secrets is really disturbing, because then they aren't secrets any more. But I'm getting ahead of myself now.
     Not all of you know but I have been really sick for the last two and a half weeks, which meant my exercise would have to wait until I could actually breathe. Not a problem I told myself, Ill just follow the calorie plan and exercise when I was feeling better, but a strange thing happened, I didn't feel better. I was still coughing and wheezing and having trouble getting my breath. Yesterday I actually felt a little bit better. So I got ready, and with some encouragement from a good friend, went to the gym. I just used the treadmill for twenty minutes but I felt great, getting from the car to the house, that was another story. The cold has been really hurting my lungs, seriously this flu is getting the better of me. But I did go to the gym and I did feel great. So today I was supposed to walk outside, for ten minutes, (a couple of times throughout the day)  that's like five minutes up and five minutes back... seriously who can't do that... me apparently.
     When you leave my house there is a little hill, this hill really gets the better of me whether I am driving my new standard or walking. I have stalled there both in a vehicle and on two legs! Bill graciously agreed to come with me, I say graciously because he already knew it wasn't going to be a pleasant experience for him... i was not in a good mood. I was armed with bill for support, and my ipod for time... I planned to turn around at the five minute mark. Five minute mark! It sounds ridiculous now that I couldn't do it. As soon as I walked out the door I felt the cold hit my lungs, and it didn't feel good, but I kept on going. I got to the end of our driveway and started on the little hill that is my nemesis. I wasn't walking for two minutes when the thought came screaming in my head "I CANT DO THIS!!" so I turned to bill and said, "I can not do this." My chest was hurting, I couldn't get my breath, the hill looked like mount Everest, and I saw with perfect clarity just how far I had to go, not the top of the hill, but the mount Everest of losing over a hundred pounds. With that thought came the tears, on the side of the road I had a melt down. I cant walk five minutes up a small hill, yet I'm going to have to do this day after day, after day. I had that familiar feeling again, I give up. Its too hard. There is too far to go. And I don't have the strength... now get me a chocolate bar!

                                          (you will have to excuse bills thumb in the pic... oops!)

      Luckily bill was there to bring me back to reality. He managed to talk me into walking the rest of the way. So panting, coughing, and wheezing I made my way up the hill. I cried all the way home, I moaned on our little drive around town that I cant do it any more, I've done it so many times and it gets harder each time. I had quite a self pity party during that drive, talking about every past failed attempt to lose weight, how far I had to go, crying, and listening to every sad song on my ipod. So bill let me vent and cry for a while, then told me that from now on when I walk I will walk down the hill on the other side and walk for ten minutes and he will pick me up if I need him to. Ill bring the cell phone and call him, but ill still get my walking in.(I love him) I'm very lucky. So I'm feeling better again, and ill go out again, armed this time with an ipod and a cell phone. Just that little hill got the better of me... made me want to quit and of course eat chocolate. But I'm not going to, no matter how much I want to... here's hoping the next time is easier. Ill let you know.

Oh and I have an update for you, since seeing a personal trainer and being put on an actual plan I have lost eight pounds!

Honesty is Very Difficult

     When I started writing this blog, I made a promise to myself that i was going to be very honest about my weight issues, weight struggles and weight loss. Saying that i was going to be honest and actually being honest are two very different things. There are aspects about my weight that have caused me embarrassment in my life, and talking about this can be very difficult. With that said I made myself and you guys a promise, and I intend to keep it. Some times the truth hurts, and sometimes its downright agonising. For me, the truth of my weight and how it makes me appear to people is agonising. 

     I had one of the worst days of my life this year, and i really debated whether I would share it or not, but its a truth about my life, and I'm going to share it with you. Most of the people I am close to, know never to talk about my weight. It is a touchy, touchy subject. I grew up with an older brother who teased me about everything imaginable, not once however, did he make a negative comment about my weight. He knew the subject was off limits. When i was dating bill, he got the same impression early on that the subject is not to be talked about. People that made negative comments about my weight have been cut from my life, harsh truth but truth none the less. 

    This is seriously difficult for me to write, so I'm just going to do it.  I went back to university this year. Big undertaking, believe me. I'm a distance student but I write my exams at Grenfell. Before my first exam I got my sister in law to go to the college with me to make sure that the desks were OK. For those of you who have not had major issues with weight, those little desks in school may not terrify you like they do me. I was very relieved to see that the exam room consisted of long tables with chairs. So I wrote my two first exams with no complications. When I went to write my third I noticed that no one was in the exam room. I went looking around and to my horror I found where our exam was. It was moved to another class room and all the little desks were set up. I know at that moment my blood pressure sky rocketed. I had trouble breathing and felt heat rising from my neck right up to the top of my head. I had two choices at that moment, to run away and fail the exam, or to suck it up and deal with it. Every nerve in my body was screaming "run Amanda, its not worth it, just RUN!" I didn't run. I went to the invigilator and told her those desks were not going to work for me. She was very nice and told me there were chairs in the next room I could bring in. So I walked out to the next room, had a quick little cry, and dragged a chair into the exam room full of twenty something year olds who looked perfect, tiny and like they walked off the set of gossip girl (or insert any other twenty something age grouped television show here.)

I went in, humiliated, sat down with my chair pulled in awkwardly to one of those little desks, and aced that exam.

     I think that is the day I decided I was done being  controlled by something that I had complete control over. I have had enough of letting my emotions control my eating. That's when I started making plans. Plans including going to my doctor, being referred for surgery, and finding a personal trainer to help me change my life. I'm not saying that I'm not going to make mistakes, have slip backs (aka Mary browns and such), but i cant let  myself be controlled by it any more. I always think that people are laughing at me. Going out in public has become increasingly difficult for me lately, and I have spent a lot of my life in front of people. I sing, I have sung in front of thousands of people, (literally) and always before I sing I think to myself, people are probably snickering and smirking about me, but just give me a chance to open my mouth and ill show them what i can do... well I'm tired of feeling that people are snickering about me. I am educated, I have a good job, I have a husband that absolutely adores me, and children that couldn't be more beautiful than they are, (seriously, have you ever seen them... GORGEOUS!!) But any way, I have decided to be Amanda, the Amanda I am, and not the Amanda that I think people see. I'm really tired of trying to shrink into the background, trying to be invisible. I am me. I will leave you with a quote from my beautiful niece Melissa.  We went to the beach this summer and of course I didn't want to take my cover up off and get in the water. She gave me very wise advice, she said "who cares, i always say don't like it, don't look at it!" She has a good point. Dont let what you think other people are thinking dictate what you actually do. This is me being honest.

An Actual Plan

So I have another new start this week... I met with a personal trainer who gave me an exercise plan. Eeeeeeeek!!!! I'm scared but i'm pumped. Its really easy to slack off when you don't have a plan, well now I have a plan. And now i'm accountable to someone else besides myself (and all of you who are reading this). I'm really rooting for myself this time, and I have a lot to gain if I succeed. I do not want to have a surgery feeling the way I do right now, I want to make myself as strong as I can before having a major surgery. I had a baby at the weight I am now (well slightly less) and the recuperation process was horrible. I had an overwhelming fear of developing blood clots. I have lost the weight I need to lose as a requirement for surgery, but I haven't lost the amount that I require of myself before having major surgery.
     The intimidation that stopped me from contacting a trainer before now is still there, I hate people seeing my face turn red. and when I exercise my face turns bright RED! But lately my face turns red even doing simple things, cleaning my house or at work, or even things I love like singing. Going to the gym is going to be a major challenge for me, i'm lucky that I have a friend who is willing to go with me so I wont have to go alone. But the intimidation of people looking at me is always in the back of my mind. For some reason I have an irrational fear of people looking at me. If I could go through life invisible, i'm sure I would. I'm not sure what i'm worried about, but I hate when people look at me, i'm petrified of people laughing, and to be honest in the past that has happened, actually in the recent past. When I started this blog I promised myself that I would be honest, but I have to admit being honest is really hard sometimes.
    But I have lots of blessings when I think about it. Sometimes its easy to look at all the negatives around me, but if i really look at all of the positives in my life, i'm such a lucky person. I have a lovely little family, I have amazing friends, I have a nice place to live and as of tomorrow a new car (long story about the car!) If I go to the gym and someone does laugh (and this probably wont happen) really, what is the worst that can happen, ok ill cry, but i'm still doing something for myself and my future. So personal trainer it is, gym it is, walking it is, meal plan it is! Ill let you know how it works out.

Living for today

My whole life I have been living for tomorrow. I would love to go on  a trip, when I lose a little more weight. I would love to go to Disney land with my children, when I lose weight of course. I would love to go to the gym and work out, but I cant go and workout in public until I lose some weight first. (that last one is a little ironic)
I have been living for tomorrow, or when I lose weight, my whole life. The sad thing is, my life doesn't start tomorrow. My kids wont be little boys forever, they are little boys now. I not married tomorrow, I'm married now. My friends don't want to hang out tomorrow, they live in the now.
     I can remember my mother buying me a swimsuit when I was nine years old, and she loved me in it. Me on the other hand, not so much. I hated it, it showed too much, and i always felt more comfortable in a T shirt. So two summers ago I started thinking, I live in Pasadena, it has the most beautiful beach. My children live for the beach in the summer, who doesn't? Me, that's who. I live for the beach in tomorrow land, when I lose weight, and can wear a swimsuit. How ridiculous is that! So I decided enough is enough. I went and bought a swimsuit.The first swim suit I had put on my body in twenty three years. And I have to say, as someone who loves to swim, I had no idea how much a t shirt and shorts were taking away from that awesome experience.

     I have lived for some day in the future when i will be exactly what I want to be, for as long as I can remember... well no more. Life is too short. I have three boys in my house, Bill, James and Micah, and the three of them love me now, not in some fairy tale time that doesn't exist yet. So if you are like me, and have been living secretly for a day that isn't here yet, I promise you, that you can make the day you are actually living in  wonderful. Join with me in living life now, and enjoying every minute of it!

Starting over again

This is my first post on my first blog and as the title indicates, its about a journey that I have been on since I was a little girl. Its not a happy journey, or an exciting journey, its the struggle of my life... the struggle to lose weight. It started as far back as I can remember, the day that I realised I didn't like what I saw when I looked in the mirror. The day I realised that my face was rounder and I didn't like how my clothing fit me. I hated the comments from other people that stung more emotionally than a physical  blow ever could. People probably not meaning much harm but thought they would state the obvious.The chubby one, fat, bigger, all words that I hated. 

     Now that I am older and i look back at pics of me then, I realise that I was not much bigger than my own little boy, who I certainly don't think has a weight problem. Weight isn't even an issue on his radar yet  (thank goodness), but when I was his age I was consumed with it.I saw myself in a blown up distorted reality, feeling like the biggest girl in the world, a self fulfilling prophecy that led me to the situation that I'm in today. I went on self imposed diets starting in grade three. I would resort to tactics of feeding my sandwiches that my parents had packed for my lunch to my dog Sheba before I left for school in the morning. Of course this never worked for me, it just made me really hungry by the time I got home from school which made me eat more after school. Sheba was always happy for the morning snack though. Aweee this made me think about Sheba... and now I miss her! 
     So begins my unhealthy relationship with food. I loved food, but I hated it. I loved how food tasted, but I hated how it made me feel after I ate it. I loved eating, but I hated eating. Not much has changed, but I am working on it. 
     Which leads me to my this new chapter of my life. I have been referred for weight loss surgery, scariest choice I have ever made, but I think its the right choice just the same. I have contacted a personal trainer who is going to help me lose the extra thirty pounds I need to lose before I have my surgery, and I will  hopefully continue to lose so I will be as strong as I can be before I actually have the operation.
     I know this is a really personal topic to write about and share with the world... (or the few people on my friend list that click the link out of curiosity) but I don't think I am alone in this struggle, so maybe my story may help someone else out there who decides to read it. So on to the next part of life, weight loss surgery and hopefully rapid weight loss. I'm inviting you along for the journey with me, I could use the company!