Saturday, 25 November 2017


Hello all. Just thought I would write a quick blog about something that happened to me this week. Its a very special time for the Squires' this week. Any time there is a new comic book movie its a big deal for us, all of us. Justice League was playing in Corner Brook and we were all going. This is an event. It's a holiday for our geeky souls. Birthday, anniversary, Christmas... Someone modified and geekified our nativity. (it was the wisest men they could find) Watching my children's faces during these movies is comparable to watching them on Christmas morning. It's like them seeing thier oldest friends come to life...and mine too. It's kind of a big deal! Something else corresponded with the upcoming movie. BLACK FRIDAY. Off we go to brave the masses. Of course we end up shopping at all of our geeky stopming grounds (of which there are three, seriously West Coast??) Happily we go on our geeky merry way. Don't we look happy? During our walk through one of our favorite geeky stores (which shall remain unnamed because I still love it) I see it. A reversable Wonder Woman hoodie. REVERSABLE. I call out to Bill and James. "hey look, they made a shirt for me" I look at the tag. YASSSSSSSSSSS! You see I normally wear a xl, but who dosn't love a little room. This night was getting better and better! I excitedly pull the hoodie off the rack, but something dosn't feel right. I look at the tag again, yup, it says xxl. I hold it up and look at it from various angles, hold it against my frame and the calculations are not adding up. So at this point I call over my 15 year old 145 pound child. (145 pounds stretched over a 5 foot 11 frame, yes hes quite slim) "Put this on" I tell him, and he obliges willingly. It fits, just barely. DOES ANYTHING ABOUT THIS PICTURE LOOK RIGHT TO ANY OF YOU??? I have close to one hundred pounds on this child, yeah why not, honesty sounds good tonight. How is this an xxl? So then I start second guessing myself. Is this a youth size? Nope its in the section with adult clothes. Is the tag wrong? NOPE, wanna know how I know? I held it along side the even smaller size xl. I was crushed. SPOILER COMING!! I was as crushed as Steppenwolfs axe was when Wonder woman beat the absolute crap out of it!!!!! Wonder Woman is an Amazonian Princess... do you know what Amazonian Princesses are? Are they itty bitty? NOPE!! They are BIG, strong, muscular, powerful women. When I think about it that is what I want to be, Strong, powerful in my own way, muscular, and if that means a little bigger, I am going to try and be ok with that to. For this moment however, im just feeling soooo mad. I really wanted that shirt! I think wonder woman would be disapointed in you people who made this unrealistic expectation and marvelous hoodie that I will never wear, because im bigger.. Oh well, at least I still have these. If this is the last time I get to chat with you before the holiday season, Merry Christmas, I hope you have a wonderful holiday. Love and cherish every moment. Each year feels like a breath. Enjoy each one. And enjoy this picture of my girlies all dressed up for the season!

Wednesday, 8 November 2017

Defining Depriving.

Some days I feel like I have been depriving myself for as long as I can remember. I became enslaved to the diet culture from the age of... around seven if I were to really think back. I can remember trying to lose weight when I was a very tiny little girl. However, I would NEVER have described myself as tiny. I was the biggest girl in the world. Sometimes I feel like I have spent a life time depriving myself of something I can never really stop doing, eating. I have already told you about feeding my school lunches to my dog before school in the morning, being hungry in the day, and having an eternally grateful Golden Lab. That is depriving. I entered into an unhelthy cycle of eating, not eating, binge eating, restricting, and binging again. Its a messed up scenario. So for the past four years these actions have not really been a major part of my life. I dont binge (much). I eat healthy, (for the most part). And I try not to be quite so hard on myself (mainly). But there are still days when I feel like because of my relationship with food, and how thouroughly messed up it is, I feel like I am always in depravition mode. Wishing, wanting, craving and depriving. IT IS EXHAUSTING!!! I was having this very conversation with Bill today on the way home from a doctor's appointment. Lamenting all the lost halloween treats, chineese food, cake, and icecream that I would love to be eating. He said something kinda profound. (Bill has been on a journey with me as well, he's the one with the most clarity of thought on the process because hes been watching it all.) He reminded me of what I am eating, What I am doing, What I have done, and what I am investing in now. He said... and I quote... "you aren't depriving yourself. Im depriving myself by eating that garbage and feeling like crap. You would be depriving yourself if you stopped doing what you are doing, because youll feel like crap too. You would be depriving yourself of the way you should really be living." So there you have it. Time to adjust my thinking again. This is a hard process, but anything worth doing is worth working hard for. Im still working, hard, and I'll keep you all posted.