Wednesday, 31 July 2013
OH MY GOSH I HAVE MY SURGERY DATE!!!! I am soooo excited and I know without a doubt that this blog posting will not even be coherent because of how excited I am. I have known for a little while that my surgery could be the nineteenth but i haven't written about it because i have gained some weight since my surgical consultation and needed to start the liquid diet early to see if I could get my weight down to where it needed to be... well I did so here I go! That means thirty one days of liquids but it feels so worth it to me, I have been waiting so long. Its funny, seems like I have been waiting a long time but it also seems like it came out of the blue, I think because I was expecting it much later date I was shocked when it finally came up. So on august the nineteenth my life will change in a big way and I plan to blog about it all and continue to be brutally honest then as well. Me and bill have been walking since I went on the liquid diet two weeks ago and I have discovered that I lovveeeeeee walking on trails but I hate walking on roads. I love being in the woods with something to look forward too and see at the end like a lookout or something of that nature, I almost don't notice the pain in my back, so everyday we go trekking around looking for a trail Soon we will be taking my brothers advice, he said if you cant find a trail make one... so that's our routine now... drinking liquid and walking. I plan to blog a couple days after my surgery from the hotel if I'm not in too much pain, even if its only a line or two to let you know how i am doing. I want to thank those who commented on my blog for your support and all those who just simply read it. Thank you for giving me a chance to be accountable. wish me luck, Ill update on wednesday or thursday after my surgery. I did get to have one last meal in the middle of my thirty one days, it was delicious!!
Saturday, 6 July 2013
Last week I asked myself the question what is femininity? Another question I asked myself is am I feminine? When I think about someone who is feminine I generally think about someone who is dainty, pretty, gentle... that's my perception. When I think about all these things I feel that I myself don't fit that mold. I desperately want to feel feminine but lately I feel out of place, uncomfortable and awkward, especially when in front of people, and generally im in front of people. I work with the public and I perform on a regular basis which makes shrinking into the back ground (the thing i feel most comfortable doing lately) very difficult. I was at work last week and my coworker was sitting at the desk (diligently working) and i noticed that the way she was sitting with her legs crossed, perfect posture, she looked so feminine, and it made me look at myself slumped on the couch trying to sink as far into it as humanly possible so i could cover parts of myself that i want to keep hidden. I feel like i have turned into some kind of androgynous person who tries to pretend they are a woman but dosn't quite believe it when they look into a mirror. Ahhhhhh I had no idea how depressing this posting was going to be! So I guess what i'm trying to ask is what do you see as femininity. And please write me back and tell me what you think whether on facebook, twitter, or the actual blog site. I would like to hear from all of you (men or women... not that i think many men read this blog besides bill, and i make him read it!) I pride myself on being a feminist. I have feminist values, work in a feminist environment, and believe that the fact I am a woman shouldn't hold me back from any thing in life, but that's not the same thing as being feminine... at all. I'm finding myself being very nervous about the actual surgery right now, the closer it gets to the fall the more nervous I get. But with that I have the dual emotion of feeling anxious that it is never going to get here. I have decided not to buy any more clothes because if feels like a waste when in a few months i'm going to be shrinking at a quick rate, but this leaves me with the problem that I have absolutely no clothes to wear for the summer. Its a very complex situation! I also find myself doing what I promised myself I wouldn't do anymore, living for after surgery and not living in the now. Its difficult to do that though when surgery is getting close and I know I don't have a whole lot longer to wait. Feels like im constantly in limbo. Oh the dilema! Me and bill have also written this summer off as a working summer so we can get as many shifts in as possible during our busy time, this makes the rest of the year manageable for us, which means my boys are having the time of their lives with the grandparents... lucky little guys. But missing them is so painful that it actually physically hurts. I get a dull ache in my chest when I see the pics of families spending time together and enjoying the best months of the year. (ok off topic AND depressing). But that's where I am honestly right now. lets hope that my next blog post is more inspiring... but I do want you to let me know what you think femininity is or even if you feel feminine... maybe 'not the only one. Here is a Pic of the best little things in my life and by far the best part of my summer sorry again for the lack of paragraphs... I swear they are there when I compose the blog!