Thursday, 12 April 2012

Thanks Again Grenfell!!

     So another night another stop on my journey... this stop includes again, major embarrassment. I don't enjoy writing these post that embarrass me, tonight however, I am so frustrated I feel like I have no choice but to write about it. I guess its therapeutic. This has been one of the worst weeks I can ever remember. I worked three night shifts in a row, no big deal I do that all the time, I can catch up on my sleep when they are over. I can unless my husband gets an attack of the kidney stones and we spend our three nights off awake waiting for the pain to go away or visiting our emergency room. The valuable time we are in between kidney stone attacks, instead of studying for my upcoming exams I end up sleeping because lets face it, sleep takes over even when you don't want it to.
     Thankfully bill passed the stone this morning, this evening I had an exam. So after nights of no sleep, driving back and forth to corner brook, waiting in waiting rooms, and worrying, I have an exam. Did I study? Yes I did. Was it good quality studying? Probably not. But going into the exam I knew my stuff. I Walk toward the exam room, after walking up two flights of stairs huffing and puffing (and sweating) I see that people are already writing the exam.... Oh no! please tell me I didn't miscalculate the time of the exam again. A gentleman walks toward me and tells me my exam has been moved. IMMEDIATELY I get sick to my stomach... oh no not again. So I walk to where he has pointed, there is a room with no desks, I think "well that's odd, but no desks are better than little desks!" The invigilator says to me "Amanda" (she knows me by name, I think that's nice) were sorting it all out the exam is down the hall. I walk down the hall and see a room full of tiny little desks like my little boy sits at in school. I groan inwardly and walk back to the invigilator. Sensing my panic her and the other invigilator begin talking quietly and nodding. They call me over "the only solution we have is to have you write the exam with the french class (GREAT), however its an oral french exam, so a cd will be playing throughout the whole test.So here are my choices, go and write the exam in a room with no chair I can sit in or in a room where a french woman is rambling on for fifty minutes.All while making this decision the people in the hall are staring at me. It frustrates me to write an exam when pages are being turned much less another language being spoken. The people writing the french test had to move toward the front of the class because the cd couldn't be turned on full blast because the group next door wouldn't be able to concentrate!!!!!
     So i begin writing my exam... The five principles of feminist social work are... COMMENT ALLEZ VOUS!! 
OK, so i start again, The five principles of feminist... BONJOUR MADAMOSELLE!!!!   One more time... The five principles of fe... C'EST BIEN!!!!  So this went on for the remainder of my exam. Not a good night. I try to end these blogs on a positive note but to be honest I really don't think there is a positive note to end it on. Its so gross to be writing a final with tears burning the back of your eye lids and a huge lump in your throat. SIGH. So i Guess Ill plug on. Ill resist the urge to buy a tub of butterscotch icecream to bring to work with me and hope for a better night tomorrow night when i write my english exam.

Friday, 6 April 2012

successes :)

     I know i just posted a blog the other day but i was flicking through a few pics on my son's phone and saw this pic of me and him during Christmas (isn't he cute).
while trying to get a pic of my new glasses to send my cousin, (because I think they are Ginormous) I took this I can see a difference... can you?

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Set Backs... Make That Temporary Set Backs

So today I'm going to talk about set backs... mainly because I'm in the middle of a huge one. Ughhh, once again I am suffering from self destruction. Its hard to understand the hold that food has over my life. I don't think I will ever be able to fully understand it. I never self sabotage because of hunger. Hunger does not make me eat... wanting to eat makes me eat. There are lots of excuses I could use to explain my set back this time.
     Excuse #1. Night shifts. I have been working a large number of night shifts recently. Now, when I work a night I have to eat or I just  feel horrible... actually it is a twelve hour work day, only its dark out. So I bring munchy food to get me through the hours that i want to be sleeping but cant. Of course i give myself allowance because "I'm only doing this to get myself through the night" the thing is I could still be making wise choices at night, but I don't. so my excuse holds very little validity.
     Excuse #2. I've been sick. I have to admit, I have never been as sick as I have been recently. I had the worst flu ever. Because of this I totally gave myself allowance to stop... well, everything. I didn't exercise because I had no energy, I didn't eat right because I had no energy to put into working at getting healthy meals. I really wanted comfort food. One day of comfort food turned into the next, which turned into the next, and so on and so on.
     Excuse #3. studying. I have had so much work to do that every evening I have been studying and writing papers and reading Shakespeare, how could i ever have time to exercise while doing all this! Ten minutes of walking is impossible!! (sarcasm) for all of you that do not know me well... I always need to clarify when I am being sarcastic... just in case.
     Throughout my life one thing I have been exceptionally good at when it comes to eating is making excuses about my eating. I really need to wrap my head around the fact that I'm not dieting this time...  am getting healthy, and I really, really want to be healthy. The surgery I am on the waiting list for is looming ahead of me next year some time I assume, and I really need to be as strong as I can be to get through it. I cant put any more weight on, (besides the seven pounds I put back on already... I promised id be honest) and I need to lose as much as I possibly can before then.
     Once again I am starting over. There is no point in getting down and upset with myself, well more upset than I already am. So here goes, starting again. Feel free to follow along. I like the support!