So today I'm going to talk about set backs... mainly because I'm in the middle of a huge one. Ughhh, once again I am suffering from self destruction. Its hard to understand the hold that food has over my life. I don't think I will ever be able to fully understand it. I never self sabotage because of hunger. Hunger does not make me eat... wanting to eat makes me eat. There are lots of excuses I could use to explain my set back this time.
Excuse #1. Night shifts. I have been working a large number of night shifts recently. Now, when I work a night I have to eat or I just feel horrible... actually it is a twelve hour work day, only its dark out. So I bring munchy food to get me through the hours that i want to be sleeping but cant. Of course i give myself allowance because "I'm only doing this to get myself through the night" the thing is I could still be making wise choices at night, but I don't. so my excuse holds very little validity.
Excuse #2. I've been sick. I have to admit, I have never been as sick as I have been recently. I had the worst flu ever. Because of this I totally gave myself allowance to stop... well, everything. I didn't exercise because I had no energy, I didn't eat right because I had no energy to put into working at getting healthy meals. I really wanted comfort food. One day of comfort food turned into the next, which turned into the next, and so on and so on.
Excuse #3. studying. I have had so much work to do that every evening I have been studying and writing papers and reading Shakespeare, how could i ever have time to exercise while doing all this! Ten minutes of walking is impossible!! (sarcasm) for all of you that do not know me well... I always need to clarify when I am being sarcastic... just in case.
Throughout my life one thing I have been exceptionally good at when it comes to eating is making excuses about my eating. I really need to wrap my head around the fact that I'm not dieting this time... am getting healthy, and I really, really want to be healthy. The surgery I am on the waiting list for is looming ahead of me next year some time I assume, and I really need to be as strong as I can be to get through it. I cant put any more weight on, (besides the seven pounds I put back on already... I promised id be honest) and I need to lose as much as I possibly can before then.
Once again I am starting over. There is no point in getting down and upset with myself, well more upset than I already am. So here goes, starting again. Feel free to follow along. I like the support!
Amanda - I am following along and I understand the struggle (which I'm guessing many others also identify with). If surgery is only a tool, we need to make sure that we are completely on board or else the tool will be of little benefit in the long run. This is a time of self-construction, not self-destruction. Perhaps we are afraid of success? Anyhow... I say put on the hard hat and batten down the hatches. It's time to get to work, and to keep at it until we finish what we set out to accomplish. Great blog!
ReplyDeletethanks for the comment... what i find most difficult is that i know exactly what i am supposed to do in my head... logically... but when it comes to resisting urges, lots of times i fail miserably :S
ReplyDeleteIll keep plugging on though!
Amanda, I am following also. What can I say, I still catch myself making the excuses to eat what is not the best for me but I've learnt to stop myself and ask the question of whether I need the food or whether I want the food. 99.9% of the time I want it and don't need it. I think I've used the analogy of an AA meeting before. I'm my own meeting (along with friends). I have to go through the thought process of rejecting what is bad for me and what I can't control. It's working so far. I pinned a picture of myself at my biggest and unhealthiest. I see it often, it helps. As I'm writting this I've decided that I will also write a list of the advantages of having lost the weight. There are tons of them. I will also pin that list. Every little bit helps. Keep at it, you'll get there. I think all of us have started over more than once. At one point we just have to say 'enough is enough' to ourselves..... Good luck!! :)
ReplyDeletethanks jeannette... i like the idea of pinning the picture... i just may do that...
ReplyDelete