Saturday, 20 January 2018

Oh It Is So Silly

Some days I make myself scratch my head. It's all just so silly. Take yesterday for instance, Its actually absurd when I think about it. I'm up, it's morning, I'm making myself a berry, protein, tofu, smoothie with kale or spinach. Later it's salmon and veggies for lunch. For supper I had chicken breast with steamed veggies and quinoa. Cue seven o'clock pm, my internal clock tells me its time to go on a massive hunt for anything sweet, snacky, sticky, gooey, salty or carby. (carby, definition = food jam packed with as many carbs as possible) I think that covers it all. I really wish I could understand my brain. I know how to eat. I know how to eat and be healthy. What I don't know is how to control my urges and compulsions to eat. For Christmas I told Bill I wanted no chocolate, chips, candy, or such in my stocking. so instead he got me, protein bars, protein chips, sugar free gummy bears, dehydrated fruit... you get the picture. He actually even went a little bit further, he bought me a dandy little blender with to go cups for my smoothies, and great little containers for meal prep. (which I am ALL about!! He knows me pretty well) OH!!! and he gave me this amazing piece of awesomeness (not health related) This amazing invention is a back pack carrier for your cat. Me and the kitties are going to be so on the go this summer. any way... back to the actual blog. So adamant!!! No unhealthy treats for me! But guess what I did, I ate allllllllll the treats! So I'm guessing I need my stomach and my brain to coordinate themselves and get their stuff together. I am so tired of the same old cycle I seem to be stuck in. It never ends. I honestly thought I would be over this by now. It's hard to be in a constant struggle of trying to start over. this picture describes my cycle. I want this mentality to be out of my life. I'm tired of continually starting over, waiting for monday, after christmas, after a function... I'm just tired of starting over. This cycle makes me claustrophobic. My anxiety manifests itself in dreams and I am dreaming these dreams continually lately. I'm sure my previous blogs have described some of these dreams. Reversing my standard car up a hill and continually stalling out, not being able to physically fit through tiny doors, crawling up a hill of sand and it always foundering as I try to climb. These are horrible dreams, and its the same feeling of not being able to Finnish the cycle I am at in my life. So I decided to google these types of dreams, and google is telling me they are called anxiety dreams. Good to know that it is actually a thing. According to google, not being able to complete a task in a dream is caused by dreamer anxiety. So this is my life. You probably don't know this but I am having a HUGE moment right now after googling my dream symptoms... and realizing conclusions I had made were right. MIND IS BLOWN! So I am guessing it may be time to take it a little easier on myself, which is like telling myself not to breathe today. Oh incidentally, when I'm in those anxiety ridden dreams I also cant breathe. So I will TRY to be easier on myself. I will also keep on working on me, were all works in progress I guess. You be easier on yourselves too... life is hard, life is tough, but we are tougher. You are amazing, believe it. Thanks for being on this journey with me, Im glad for the company.

Saturday, 25 November 2017


Hello all. Just thought I would write a quick blog about something that happened to me this week. Its a very special time for the Squires' this week. Any time there is a new comic book movie its a big deal for us, all of us. Justice League was playing in Corner Brook and we were all going. This is an event. It's a holiday for our geeky souls. Birthday, anniversary, Christmas... Someone modified and geekified our nativity. (it was the wisest men they could find) Watching my children's faces during these movies is comparable to watching them on Christmas morning. It's like them seeing thier oldest friends come to life...and mine too. It's kind of a big deal! Something else corresponded with the upcoming movie. BLACK FRIDAY. Off we go to brave the masses. Of course we end up shopping at all of our geeky stopming grounds (of which there are three, seriously West Coast??) Happily we go on our geeky merry way. Don't we look happy? During our walk through one of our favorite geeky stores (which shall remain unnamed because I still love it) I see it. A reversable Wonder Woman hoodie. REVERSABLE. I call out to Bill and James. "hey look, they made a shirt for me" I look at the tag. YASSSSSSSSSSS! You see I normally wear a xl, but who dosn't love a little room. This night was getting better and better! I excitedly pull the hoodie off the rack, but something dosn't feel right. I look at the tag again, yup, it says xxl. I hold it up and look at it from various angles, hold it against my frame and the calculations are not adding up. So at this point I call over my 15 year old 145 pound child. (145 pounds stretched over a 5 foot 11 frame, yes hes quite slim) "Put this on" I tell him, and he obliges willingly. It fits, just barely. DOES ANYTHING ABOUT THIS PICTURE LOOK RIGHT TO ANY OF YOU??? I have close to one hundred pounds on this child, yeah why not, honesty sounds good tonight. How is this an xxl? So then I start second guessing myself. Is this a youth size? Nope its in the section with adult clothes. Is the tag wrong? NOPE, wanna know how I know? I held it along side the even smaller size xl. I was crushed. SPOILER COMING!! I was as crushed as Steppenwolfs axe was when Wonder woman beat the absolute crap out of it!!!!! Wonder Woman is an Amazonian Princess... do you know what Amazonian Princesses are? Are they itty bitty? NOPE!! They are BIG, strong, muscular, powerful women. When I think about it that is what I want to be, Strong, powerful in my own way, muscular, and if that means a little bigger, I am going to try and be ok with that to. For this moment however, im just feeling soooo mad. I really wanted that shirt! I think wonder woman would be disapointed in you people who made this unrealistic expectation and marvelous hoodie that I will never wear, because im bigger.. Oh well, at least I still have these. If this is the last time I get to chat with you before the holiday season, Merry Christmas, I hope you have a wonderful holiday. Love and cherish every moment. Each year feels like a breath. Enjoy each one. And enjoy this picture of my girlies all dressed up for the season!

Wednesday, 8 November 2017

Defining Depriving.

Some days I feel like I have been depriving myself for as long as I can remember. I became enslaved to the diet culture from the age of... around seven if I were to really think back. I can remember trying to lose weight when I was a very tiny little girl. However, I would NEVER have described myself as tiny. I was the biggest girl in the world. Sometimes I feel like I have spent a life time depriving myself of something I can never really stop doing, eating. I have already told you about feeding my school lunches to my dog before school in the morning, being hungry in the day, and having an eternally grateful Golden Lab. That is depriving. I entered into an unhelthy cycle of eating, not eating, binge eating, restricting, and binging again. Its a messed up scenario. So for the past four years these actions have not really been a major part of my life. I dont binge (much). I eat healthy, (for the most part). And I try not to be quite so hard on myself (mainly). But there are still days when I feel like because of my relationship with food, and how thouroughly messed up it is, I feel like I am always in depravition mode. Wishing, wanting, craving and depriving. IT IS EXHAUSTING!!! I was having this very conversation with Bill today on the way home from a doctor's appointment. Lamenting all the lost halloween treats, chineese food, cake, and icecream that I would love to be eating. He said something kinda profound. (Bill has been on a journey with me as well, he's the one with the most clarity of thought on the process because hes been watching it all.) He reminded me of what I am eating, What I am doing, What I have done, and what I am investing in now. He said... and I quote... "you aren't depriving yourself. Im depriving myself by eating that garbage and feeling like crap. You would be depriving yourself if you stopped doing what you are doing, because youll feel like crap too. You would be depriving yourself of the way you should really be living." So there you have it. Time to adjust my thinking again. This is a hard process, but anything worth doing is worth working hard for. Im still working, hard, and I'll keep you all posted.

Saturday, 2 September 2017

Winter Is Comming

Well this summer has been a whlrlwind. Like, where did it go? I am so sad to feel fall starting. Do I love fall? Absolutely! The smell of the wind with the tinge of wood smoke (i know there is no smell to wind... but in fall there is!) leaves falling and dancing in that smokey scented wind, and oh the colours. All the shades of orange, firey red, and browns. In essence, fall is my favorite, however, it ushers in my least favorite... winter. I feel like I live my whole life in some state of winter. During winter I endure it. During spring I am so thankful that its over, and still shaking off my winter blues. During summer I cautiously enjoy my two weeks of sun, but somewhere in the back of my mind I know how fast time goes and... Its coming. During fall I inevitably await the first fall of snow. And then the cycle begins again. With that said, winter is my most physically active time. I snow shoe every single day! When I am in the woods on the trails, music in my ears, snow softly falling, blankets on the tree branches and pure white on the ground in front of me, usually alone, or with my boys, or some good friends, I feel at peace. Totally at peace, like I cant ever remember feeling at any other time in my life. Dare I say this is my happy place?? surrounded by the cold and snow that I hate! Hmmmm interesting. There is another feeling I have on the trails as well. I feel strong there. I rarely feel strong. I have always felt weaker, slower, and not powerful. This is a place I feel strengh. Its the opposite of how I feel during my favorite month. Im very disapointed in myself this summmer, ive been slacking. Im still trying but not quite feeling good about my choices. Actually thats not true, I make great choices. Its when I mindlessly eat that I become so frustrated with myself. I feel powerless about this mindless, uncontrolled, compulsive eating. Its a good thing I have been trying to remain as active as possible. I think that is what is saving me. And the fear of failure is still looming, the fear of going back. Generally the choices I make are good. My plans are good. My meal prep for 12 hour shifts are usually lovely, healthy, amazing choices. Its the mindless eating that gets me. Ughhhhhh! Any one else struggling with this? Im working on it though... its a journey, not a race. Also this has been the best summer I can remember. I am in a six month full time position and with a schedule i have been able to make plans. For this I am beyond grateful. More thankful than I can even express to have this amazing summer with the people I love and actually be with them and make plans. It has ment taking each moment I was off to GO! This summer has included, Norstead, Lanse Aux Medows, another mountain, avalon expo, Main Brook, Rose Blanche light house, and above all family and friends that I love. We have family with us now, and I am free to spend time with them because its my weekend off! WHATTTTT!!?? Best summer. So I am still working on it. Got my support system in place. Its not easy, actually its the hardest thing I have ever done, but im doing it. Ill keep you posted.

Wednesday, 19 July 2017

One More Mountain

Hey All!! So I know its been a while since I upadated, a very long while! Im still trudging on! Im going to share some pics with you of our latest adventure! Only James, Bill, and myself went this time, we shielded little Micah from all this drama! Yesterday's adventure was Blomidon mountain/copper mine trail. (disclaimer: we actually dont know the name of the mountain, but we have heard people call it this!) Just to back track a little, last year we all did Gros Morne! Isn't she lovely! Prior to climbing Gros Morne I had been getting ready for the tele ten, which included lots, (AND LOTS!!) of walking. This year we decided to climb a mountain, and just did it! Were so implusive, were not smart, but we are impulsive. There are days when I feel super strong, and for want of a better word... cocky! But then there are times, like yesterday, when i get halfway down a mountain after climbing it... and have a monumental, and quite impressive meltdown. "What makes me think I can do things like this??" "This is the last hike of my life!" "im going to cancel my follow up appointments with the plastic surgeoen, i cant do anything!" "I knew that dog biting me was a bad omen!" Oh Yeah a dog bit me on the back of my leg! and my favorite part of the meltdown, "you two go on and leave me, I like it here, maybe ill stay!!" Bill and James are seriously patient and wonderful. In all honesty, I would have left me. But we finnished, with possible heat exhaustion (it was 32 degrees), a throbbing headache, bruised legs, a dog bite, and bragging rights. And of course, the chance to see this view! Excuse the selfie stick, the sun was in our eyes and we couldn't see. We even got Bill in some pictures, he was shaking because he is deathly afraid of heights. We were very proud of him. As for how things are going with the rest of my journey, well... I saw the plastic surgeon again. I am still not ready for skin removal surgery yet. My BMI needs to be at 30 and mine isn't yet. He was very postivie about my progress but I am still not ready. So Im still trudging on. I still have good and bad days with food. Im still working with a trainer who continues to challenge me to do things I could never do. And I am sure that I complain more than any other client in the history of all time. (she is very patient!) I have been trying to look at my relationship with food differently, I have been trying to understand why my triggers are what they are. I have come to realize that I eat compulsively, and surgery cant fix that. They operated on my stomach, not my brain. So I have referred mysself for counselling again and have started the process over, it seems to be going well. So I have a trainer, a counsellor, a variety of friends and family checking in, I have a support system in place! The timeline I set up for myself and my life is no where near where I wanted it to be. It seems this process is more tangled, detailed and deeper than I thought. This is quite a journey, and I am proud of where I am. I am trying to love the body I am in, slack skin, current BMI, the face that I own, all of it. This body has done amazing things, and deserves to be honoured for it. I have a couple of pics left to share with you. When I am in pics I size them up, and if they make the cut, at every angle, then the public may view. If a roll is showing, or an unflattering angle of something is showing the wrong way, it gets disposed of. I found these two and was ready to delete them because of a roll and back fat. Then I decided not to. This is how I look, and this is the body that has carried me up a few mountains. And this body is fine. Love yourself people. There are enough people in the world that will hurt you and put you down, so make sure you love yourself. And if you find yourself in the middle of an epic, impressive, monumental meltdown, put your wonderwoman tights on and keep going!!!

Monday, 2 January 2017

Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year my lovely readers! I hope 2016 treated you all well, and I am hoping that 2017 will be the most amazing year ever, for you all as well as me and my family. This year has brought with it many things, one of which a long drought of writing. I have never gone this long without writing a blog since I started. I had taken a break and it seemed that so much had happened since my last blog, that it became a monumental task to try and contain it all in one post. But needless to say 2016 was jam packed! So I think I am going to try and commemorate this year with a photo memory/blog post. So here it is 2016 in a nutshell!! Get comfy, this may be a long one! (if I was reading it I would get myself a nice coffee! Here goes! If there was one statement that I spoke, yelled, whispered or cried this year more than any other, it was "I just cant do this!!" I have repeated this statement to myself and large group of supporters and friends that have surrounded me this year more than any other words. However, after saying this, I think the next constant would be me completing what I was crying and talking about. So I am going to tell you about some of my biggest moments this year, the first one being The Tely 10. I think I have already told you all about my inability to walk long, or short distances in past blogs. I could walk four houses, which is precisely the distance that bill is standing away from me if you look closely in this picture. so the thought of doing a ten mile was monumental. With some pushing and persuading from some people in my life, I signed myself (and my bill) up for the race. For five miles I was totally adrenaline fueled and still excited... at mile seven I was in tears saying I just cant do this! Amazingly a very strategically placed friend of mine that I had never met in person until this moment called out me and gave me a much needed hug of support and it was the push that I needed to finish... (much to bills relief) and I finished the Tely 10 It was in no way easy. I did cry and snap at bill, saying I JUST CANT DO THIS! But I did. For your viewing pleasure I think you would love to see my blisters (that i felt for the first time at mile seven! Next big moment I am going to tell you about is climbing Gros Morne Mountain. Such an amazing, monumental day. We climbed gros morne without me saying I coudln't do it. We climbed it. Coming down is a whole other story. There were tears, and my companions got to hear me say I JUST CANT DO THIS! But they also were with me when I finished. and seriously... the view was well more than worth it. And I got to take my boy with me on this adventure too!! So I did another big thing this year. I jumped in water over my head. WHAT!?? I have been terrified to do this for... well forever I guess. So me and my ladies took swimming lessons, and after two groups of lessons, flanked by two lifeguards, holding onto a swimming noodle, I stood on the edge of an eleven foot deep pool and said I just cant do this!! TWO LIFE GUARDS!! So one group of lessons ended without me being able to jump - and I might add that they even tried to get me to jump in four feet!(NOPE) After my second group of lessons I managed to do it. Several times. It was all about just letting go. Scariest thing I ever did. I can still feel how scared I was as i am writing about it. But I did it!! as you can see I have a bunch of people who are more than supportive in my life, I have my Billy who is by my side no matter what i do! (broken arm or not) I have a trainer who pushes and encourages me to do things I have never ever thought I could do. (and i never ever complain,... or is it that i never ever dont complain!) and there is my neice/bestie melissa and her ben... She drags/encourages me to do some amazing things too (next year Everest?? lol) and of course I have wonderful family and friends that that are dear to my heart, and the sweetest boys ever. So although 2016 has been hard, its been amazing. I am lucky to have a new lease on life, supportive people on every side, and above all, I have a life, one that i am enjoying... finally. Some other things happened this year, James became the tallest person in our house! And has become the coolest fifteen year old ever. Micah faced huge fears and made his own goals and they get more gorgous every time i look at them. How lucky can i get Seriously though... how lucky