Saturday, 20 January 2018

Oh It Is So Silly

Some days I make myself scratch my head. It's all just so silly. Take yesterday for instance, Its actually absurd when I think about it. I'm up, it's morning, I'm making myself a berry, protein, tofu, smoothie with kale or spinach. Later it's salmon and veggies for lunch. For supper I had chicken breast with steamed veggies and quinoa. Cue seven o'clock pm, my internal clock tells me its time to go on a massive hunt for anything sweet, snacky, sticky, gooey, salty or carby. (carby, definition = food jam packed with as many carbs as possible) I think that covers it all. I really wish I could understand my brain. I know how to eat. I know how to eat and be healthy. What I don't know is how to control my urges and compulsions to eat. For Christmas I told Bill I wanted no chocolate, chips, candy, or such in my stocking. so instead he got me, protein bars, protein chips, sugar free gummy bears, dehydrated fruit... you get the picture. He actually even went a little bit further, he bought me a dandy little blender with to go cups for my smoothies, and great little containers for meal prep. (which I am ALL about!! He knows me pretty well) OH!!! and he gave me this amazing piece of awesomeness (not health related) This amazing invention is a back pack carrier for your cat. Me and the kitties are going to be so on the go this summer. any way... back to the actual blog. So adamant!!! No unhealthy treats for me! But guess what I did, I ate allllllllll the treats! So I'm guessing I need my stomach and my brain to coordinate themselves and get their stuff together. I am so tired of the same old cycle I seem to be stuck in. It never ends. I honestly thought I would be over this by now. It's hard to be in a constant struggle of trying to start over. this picture describes my cycle. I want this mentality to be out of my life. I'm tired of continually starting over, waiting for monday, after christmas, after a function... I'm just tired of starting over. This cycle makes me claustrophobic. My anxiety manifests itself in dreams and I am dreaming these dreams continually lately. I'm sure my previous blogs have described some of these dreams. Reversing my standard car up a hill and continually stalling out, not being able to physically fit through tiny doors, crawling up a hill of sand and it always foundering as I try to climb. These are horrible dreams, and its the same feeling of not being able to Finnish the cycle I am at in my life. So I decided to google these types of dreams, and google is telling me they are called anxiety dreams. Good to know that it is actually a thing. According to google, not being able to complete a task in a dream is caused by dreamer anxiety. So this is my life. You probably don't know this but I am having a HUGE moment right now after googling my dream symptoms... and realizing conclusions I had made were right. MIND IS BLOWN! So I am guessing it may be time to take it a little easier on myself, which is like telling myself not to breathe today. Oh incidentally, when I'm in those anxiety ridden dreams I also cant breathe. So I will TRY to be easier on myself. I will also keep on working on me, were all works in progress I guess. You be easier on yourselves too... life is hard, life is tough, but we are tougher. You are amazing, believe it. Thanks for being on this journey with me, Im glad for the company.

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