Wednesday, 21 January 2015
Hello all my lovely followers. Im here writing again, thinking about my progress and the path that I am on, and have been on for the past few years. The other day me and my Billy were talking (we do that a lot) and he mentioned how many times I would be crying and saying that my surgery was never going to come. I had forgotten about that, but he was right, I spent an unbelievable ammount of time whining (no actually sobbing) about the fact that I was waiting and waiting, and it was never going to get here. Well folks it looks like im waiting again! I asked the bariatric team to refer me for the slack skin surgery. It looks like i may have an eight month wait to be able to see them, but this is perfect because I still have weight to lose before they will consider me and they prefer that you be two years post op before they will do the procedure. I will be two years post op in august... eeekkk... exciting... terrifying! The thought of another surgery scares me. I said when i was in my recovery from the last one that I would never consider having surgery again even if my slack skin was dragging behind me as i walked (your welcome... I know you are thanking me for that image!) I have been struggling with the slack skin issue lately. Not medically, no infections or anything like that, but its getting on my last nerve! I can wear cute little tops and I feel really confidant when I look in the mirror, But then I look down below my waist and its like BAM there it is!! Don't get me wrong, im not fixating on this like I used to fixate on my weight, its far from that. When I looked in the mirror at four hundred pounds I felt despair and self loathe, now when I notice that things are kinda not in the right proportion im just really annoyed. I haven't felt that desperate feeling about my looks in a long time, now im just sort of going with it, what ever it is it is... bald spots and all!! I have been re reading a book that was suggested to me throughout my counselling, "life without ed". It has taken me quite a long time to read and work my way through it. At different points in my journey I feel I need to read and learn, and then there are times that I just want to live and not think about the process, so it has taken me a while. One of the suggestions for today was to develop a model of a healthy relationship with food.. so that's what I did. I developed a model of what i wanted food to look like for me. On the other side they wanted you to develop also a list of problems you had with food, so I did that as well. It kind of looks like this, I noticed that my problems with food list isnt really that long or intimidating. Things dont seem quite as daunting as they did before. I have to lose sixty more pounds before I can be considered for surgery again, but sixty compared to the one hundred sixty dosn't seem that big of a deal. I have met with a personal trainer who is helping me develop a plan of action, (she is amazing and Im excited to start!). I am enjoying this book and have been adapting it to fit my life, its written from the viewpoint of someone who has anorexia, but I have been learning that disordered eating is disordered eating. It follows a similar pattern. If you would like to find the book for yourself Jenni Schafer has a website that you can order from, as well as lots of other interesting things www.jennischaefer.com. She is also a singer who has released an album. She has a song titled "its ok to be happy" sounded very familiar to my life and my story. I know its late for a transformation tuesday pic but I found this the other day and it always shocks me when I see an old pic that I haven't seen in a while... so here it is another transformation pic I will keep you posted in my process and continue to be honest along the way.