Wednesday, 29 October 2014
Hello all. Its been one year and two months since the sleeve surgery that changed my life. I'm going to write about something that I have noticed along the way that is puzzling me. I know that since my surgery I have changed drastically. There are people that know me really well that don't even recognize me sometimes! That's a bit of a thrill each time it happens. Its my new super power... I'm INCOGNITO GIRL!! Ok I really need to rein myself in, i"m just rambling now. When I weighed almost four hundred pounds I rarely made eye contact with people, and people did not make eye contact with me. They did however, look me up and down a lot. This has become one of my biggest pet peeves. People who really don't care that you know they are sizing you up, judgmentally. I take issue with this. My sister in law told me to take it as a compliment, so that's what i'm trying to. I have lived many years with people not looking me in the eye. Recently I have noticed that lots of people are making eye contact with me, and smiling at me, and holding doors open for me, oh yeah and people who work in stores are being super helpful. You would think this should make me feel better. Well let me tell you something... it doesn't. It makes me angry. When I was in counselling after my surgery I was told that I may grieve my past self. Well lately when people are nice to me and do things they didn't do for that other girl, I do have a very strong feeling for her. I hurt for her. I feel bad for her. I feel kind of broken hearted for her. Why didnt she deserve the same respect that this amanda did. When people that dont know me go out of their way to be nice to me I feel sad for the girl who was embarrassed by her appearance and didn't like to go in public because of how she was sometimes treated, or how she thought she would be treated. Im still that same girl. Bill and myself have had lots of discussions about it. The other day we were talking about it again and I told him how bothered I was by the niceness. (i am beginning to sound very ungrateful) He thought about it for a minute and said, "But you aren't the same person, you put yourself out there more, you are more confidant, you throw yourself into everything and people are reacting to a different personality than before. (he has his insightful moments.) And hes right. I do things that I would never have done and would never have had the confidence to do. Im pushing myself in ways that i couldnt before. Im still so thankful for this gift and miracle that is my life, a life that I now love and am trying to grab every second out of. Im not sure if any of you rememebr my blog about living in some tomorrow land when i am skinny, and dreaming about that time. I dont do that any more. I live for today now. (and believe me I am in no way skinny, but I am happy) I have joined two fitness classes and a yoga class. Ill be totally honest my weight loss has slowed drastically. I haven't lost in ages so i'm trying to kick start some more loss. Only sixty pounds to go to reach my ultimate goal!! Sixty pounds seems like nothing in comparison to the one hundred and sixty that I have lost already. In conclusion I guess you could say I still have lots of issues. My head still likes to take over in the night time and FORCE me to eat bad foods. I still struggle emotionally about eating. I guess i'm going through a little of that grief process I was warned would come. Im not greiving food, im grieving for that girl. I was talking to someone the other day that hadnt seen me in a few years. She made a comment that surprised me. She said, no offence about the surgery or anything but i thought you looked really nice before. This statement really touched me, I actually choked up a little bit and had to swallow a lump in my throat, and i felt glad for that other girl that someone thought about her and still appreciated her, but a part of me was sad, that girl is gone. I was just re reading this, and it sounds something like an obituary! oh my, I want to end this blog on a more positive note and with a statement. I am grateful!!! (oh yeah, and please please please don't stop being nice to me hee hee!) Thanks for reading, Ill keep you posted. Here are some of our pictures that our girl Melissa and her boy Ben took for us. Please go check them out at Ben J. King Photography on facebook. They are amazing!!