Saturday, 29 February 2020

From Journey To Discovery

It's no secret that I began this blog because I didn't like the person I looked at in the mirror every day, actually I hated her. (wow... the beginning of this post is dark). I have always felt like there were two Amandas. the one inside, and the physical me, and there was one of them that I hated. Hate is such a strong word, and I rarely use it, but oh how I hated my reflection. Recently Micah and I have started a new series, Locke and Key. (soooooo good!!!) There is a moment in the show that Nina Locke looks at her reflection and her reflection smirks back at her, but she's not smiling. (I hope this isn't a spoiler for anyone) Its a scary moment, but I feel like this is what my reality has been since I was a little girl. There has always been a disconnect between me and my body. Things have gotten better in the last few years and I have come to accept parts of me that I used to despise... ACCEPT... not love. So I am asking myself, How do I get there? How do I finally treat myself the way I treat everyone else in my life? Apparently that is a very hard thing to do. How do you change a thought pattern you have had for forty years? I started following all the body positive accounts I could find, reading, educating myself, kept Lizzo on blast... but as many body positive influences are out there, there are more internet doctors and specialists that have PHD's in discouragement (not real doctors) that are only concerned about the fact that actually accepting our bodies glorifies obesity. "How dare you love yourself, how dare you question or challenge societies acceptable image of what a body is supposed to look like. (that means you Jillian Micahals) PSA, never read the comment section. NO ONE IS GLORIFYING OBESITY!! Dont get me wrong, I know the benefits of being active, feeding your body nourishing foods, and making yourself the best version of you. These are things that I have put on the back burner lately. I haven't been active in a long time, and when I think about it I feel guilty... and I really miss my trainer (insert sad face). Life has spun out of control this year and priorities have shifted, not for the better in some cases. So how do I find the version of Amanda that I can be ok with? Whatever Amanda I am at the moment I should be ok with, but again, head knowledge and actual acceptance and self love are very disconnected for me. So this blog shall now become my journey of self discovery, its time I got to know myself and accept myself on a deeper level... my reflection has been neglected for a long time. If you want to tag along and read you are more than welcome!! I am going to leave you with a quote from the fabulous Bodyposipada, I hope to one day live this quote... "Sometimes even now when I catch me reflection I'll get a flash of 'this isn't flattering', until I remind myself that flattering is whatever I want it to be, and I strut on feeling like a body positive queen. Wear whatever you want to wear, buy the size you actually need, and forget the fashion police - you look flawless. (Megan Jayne Crabbe, Body Positive Power).

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