Wednesday, 2 May 2018
So, When Does The Struggle End?? Anyone Know?
Why???? Why did I weigh today? Sigh, actually no, *enormous sigh* I feel like I have been on a bit of a downward spiral for a few months now. I found out that I had an issue with my iron about five months ago, it was on the low side and I had been taking supplements, so I guess it started around then. I had been eating healthy, (mainly) working out fairly regularly, maintaing and pretty much being me. I felt pretty good. Cue sickenss... I became extremely exhausted, tired like I have never experienced in my life. This is when I started taking iron, and also started taking lots of naps. Night shifts became almost impossible to recover from. I would spend days catching up on lost sleep, something I have never experienced before. I have worked jobs doing nights my whole life, so I am pretty used to them, but now I was feeling the effect for days. Around this time I began finding it more and more difficult to work out, So i started slacking off. Somewhere in the middle of my exhaustion, I got a weird, I guess you can call it sickness that made things even worst. (DISCLAIMER! dont think this is me making excuses... just telling my story... I do not enjoy excuses) I developed a horrible pain in my face. I had thought it was coming from my tooth, however after a trip to the dentist and dental x rays, we discovered there was nothing wrong with my teeth. Still the pain continued. I was miserable. I went to my doctor and got antibiotics for a possible sinus infection, but weeks later and I still had pain. In the midst of this my activity level plummeted. I stopped moving, took copious ammounts of pain medication, in turn making my stomach feel horrible. One of my favorite activities is snow shoeing, I seriously love it, however, the minute the cold would hit my face I would be in agony. You should have seen my trying to get from my house to the car... I looked like a mummy! So snowshoeing was out of the question, even bundled up. I know I could have been active inside, treadmill, eliptical, or something else, but the level of exhaustion was overwhelming. There was one day at work, I was heading out to do a simple task, I sat in my car and cried because I was just so tired. This was not me at all. I was a mess. Somewhere in the middle of all this, I lost my desire to think about anything healthy. I craved sugar, carbs, sweets, saltly things, and anything that was super easy to prepare. I enoy preparing food. I love meal prep days for work. But some where along the line of being sick and tired, i just lost the drive. seriously, a mess. I felt like I didnt know myself anymore. So after explaining all that, I am not sure why I was shocked by the number on the scale. I dont normally weigh, but i do feel I need to keep track, and I have goals set for myself that do not include weight, but the surgeon who will hopefully perform my skin removal surgery wants a specific number, so I needed to check. So there was a gain.... ummmmmm I know im honest with you, but in being kind to myself and my journey, Im not going to say a number. And believe me, I know that the number does not define me. But it does have power to throw me off for a bit. Im trying to take the power that the scale has over me back. It means nothing, and if I wasnt aiming for something like the surgery, I would probably never weigh again (take that scales!!!) So here I am, trying to live a live a life that is healthy, balanced, and body positive, but yet that scale has a way of telling me things that are not true. So I ask, when does it all end. I thought it would end after surgery. I thought that would fix it... nope. Then I thought it would end when i started being active regularly, that would fix it... nope. I guess for me it dosn't end, its a cycle. Im never finished I guess. So I will keep on working at it. As long as there is struggle, keep fighting. Ive started moving agian, little by little, and I am going to leave you with a pic of me and Bill after our first run a couple of days ago. Notice if you will, the magenta colour of my face. I didn't realize my face had the ability to turn this colour... interesting!! At the end of the day, I just want to be me, and comfortble with me. Thanks for reading. I'll keep you posted. .