Wednesday, 8 November 2017
Some days I feel like I have been depriving myself for as long as I can remember. I became enslaved to the diet culture from the age of... around seven if I were to really think back. I can remember trying to lose weight when I was a very tiny little girl. However, I would NEVER have described myself as tiny. I was the biggest girl in the world. Sometimes I feel like I have spent a life time depriving myself of something I can never really stop doing, eating. I have already told you about feeding my school lunches to my dog before school in the morning, being hungry in the day, and having an eternally grateful Golden Lab. That is depriving. I entered into an unhelthy cycle of eating, not eating, binge eating, restricting, and binging again. Its a messed up scenario. So for the past four years these actions have not really been a major part of my life. I dont binge (much). I eat healthy, (for the most part). And I try not to be quite so hard on myself (mainly). But there are still days when I feel like because of my relationship with food, and how thouroughly messed up it is, I feel like I am always in depravition mode. Wishing, wanting, craving and depriving. IT IS EXHAUSTING!!! I was having this very conversation with Bill today on the way home from a doctor's appointment. Lamenting all the lost halloween treats, chineese food, cake, and icecream that I would love to be eating. He said something kinda profound. (Bill has been on a journey with me as well, he's the one with the most clarity of thought on the process because hes been watching it all.) He reminded me of what I am eating, What I am doing, What I have done, and what I am investing in now. He said... and I quote... "you aren't depriving yourself. Im depriving myself by eating that garbage and feeling like crap. You would be depriving yourself if you stopped doing what you are doing, because youll feel like crap too. You would be depriving yourself of the way you should really be living." So there you have it. Time to adjust my thinking again. This is a hard process, but anything worth doing is worth working hard for. Im still working, hard, and I'll keep you all posted.