Saturday, 2 September 2017

Winter Is Comming

Well this summer has been a whlrlwind. Like, where did it go? I am so sad to feel fall starting. Do I love fall? Absolutely! The smell of the wind with the tinge of wood smoke (i know there is no smell to wind... but in fall there is!) leaves falling and dancing in that smokey scented wind, and oh the colours. All the shades of orange, firey red, and browns. In essence, fall is my favorite, however, it ushers in my least favorite... winter. I feel like I live my whole life in some state of winter. During winter I endure it. During spring I am so thankful that its over, and still shaking off my winter blues. During summer I cautiously enjoy my two weeks of sun, but somewhere in the back of my mind I know how fast time goes and... Its coming. During fall I inevitably await the first fall of snow. And then the cycle begins again. With that said, winter is my most physically active time. I snow shoe every single day! When I am in the woods on the trails, music in my ears, snow softly falling, blankets on the tree branches and pure white on the ground in front of me, usually alone, or with my boys, or some good friends, I feel at peace. Totally at peace, like I cant ever remember feeling at any other time in my life. Dare I say this is my happy place?? surrounded by the cold and snow that I hate! Hmmmm interesting. There is another feeling I have on the trails as well. I feel strong there. I rarely feel strong. I have always felt weaker, slower, and not powerful. This is a place I feel strengh. Its the opposite of how I feel during my favorite month. Im very disapointed in myself this summmer, ive been slacking. Im still trying but not quite feeling good about my choices. Actually thats not true, I make great choices. Its when I mindlessly eat that I become so frustrated with myself. I feel powerless about this mindless, uncontrolled, compulsive eating. Its a good thing I have been trying to remain as active as possible. I think that is what is saving me. And the fear of failure is still looming, the fear of going back. Generally the choices I make are good. My plans are good. My meal prep for 12 hour shifts are usually lovely, healthy, amazing choices. Its the mindless eating that gets me. Ughhhhhh! Any one else struggling with this? Im working on it though... its a journey, not a race. Also this has been the best summer I can remember. I am in a six month full time position and with a schedule i have been able to make plans. For this I am beyond grateful. More thankful than I can even express to have this amazing summer with the people I love and actually be with them and make plans. It has ment taking each moment I was off to GO! This summer has included, Norstead, Lanse Aux Medows, another mountain, avalon expo, Main Brook, Rose Blanche light house, and above all family and friends that I love. We have family with us now, and I am free to spend time with them because its my weekend off! WHATTTTT!!?? Best summer. So I am still working on it. Got my support system in place. Its not easy, actually its the hardest thing I have ever done, but im doing it. Ill keep you posted.

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