I have been sitting next to my dresser for the last thirty minutes looking for something to wear, getting frustrated because there was no magical new shirt appearing each time I riffle through. I hate clothes. I hate buying clothes, I hate trying on clothes, I hate how clothes fit me and but most of all, I hate not having enough. Getting ready to go anywhere is horrible for me. I can lay out clothes for my boys and Bill and they will pick it up put it on with no hesitation... with me there is a ritual. I try it on, a shirt that I may have loved when I tried it on the first time, but on the way out the door I have to pass by a mirror in my hallway, then all of a sudden I hate what Im wearing and I have to change it. This may happen several times. I avoid looking in mirrors or reflective windows. It makes shopping terrible. There was a point in my life that I looked in every mirror I saw, but now I don't... because it gives me a horrible, uncomfortable feeling.
As I said I hate getting ready to go places, the main thing I feel is angry. I'm angry at myself for being the way I am and Im angry that there is no where I can shop without spending fifty dollars for a t shirt, I'm angry that I don't look the way I would like to look in my clothes, and I'm angry that there is never anything I want to wear.
I have developed a bit of an online shopping addiction recently, actually I dont shop as much as i look. If I think it wont look good on me I just scroll on past. The trouble is that I usually scroll on past everything. I was just looking at a site with a pretty tank top with black horizontal stripes and I really liked it. Then I had a memory, I was in junior high sitting next to a girl in my class, not a girl who was a good friend but someone I sat next too who was also slightly over weight. We were for some reason looking at catalogues (probably some down time) and for some reason my teacher said in front of the entire class Amanda and (lets just call her Brenda) Brenda, why is it that you two shouldn't wear horizontal stripes? This was horrifying enough but she made each of us answer her and say exactly why we shouldn't wear them. Because it makes you look wider. Yes I really needed to announce to the class that I couldn't wear them because i was fat. Even after "Brenda" had announced her reason I remained quiet, this was not good enough she looked at me and said Amanda why is it that you shouldn't wear horizontal stripes? the quicker I answered the sooner everyone would stop looking at me.