So I have another new start this week... I met with a personal trainer who gave me an exercise plan. Eeeeeeeek!!!! I'm scared but i'm pumped. Its really easy to slack off when you don't have a plan, well now I have a plan. And now i'm accountable to someone else besides myself (and all of you who are reading this). I'm really rooting for myself this time, and I have a lot to gain if I succeed. I do not want to have a surgery feeling the way I do right now, I want to make myself as strong as I can before having a major surgery. I had a baby at the weight I am now (well slightly less) and the recuperation process was horrible. I had an overwhelming fear of developing blood clots. I have lost the weight I need to lose as a requirement for surgery, but I haven't lost the amount that I require of myself before having major surgery.
The intimidation that stopped me from contacting a trainer before now is still there, I hate people seeing my face turn red. and when I exercise my face turns bright RED! But lately my face turns red even doing simple things, cleaning my house or at work, or even things I love like singing. Going to the gym is going to be a major challenge for me, i'm lucky that I have a friend who is willing to go with me so I wont have to go alone. But the intimidation of people looking at me is always in the back of my mind. For some reason I have an irrational fear of people looking at me. If I could go through life invisible, i'm sure I would. I'm not sure what i'm worried about, but I hate when people look at me, i'm petrified of people laughing, and to be honest in the past that has happened, actually in the recent past. When I started this blog I promised myself that I would be honest, but I have to admit being honest is really hard sometimes.
But I have lots of blessings when I think about it. Sometimes its easy to look at all the negatives around me, but if i really look at all of the positives in my life, i'm such a lucky person. I have a lovely little family, I have amazing friends, I have a nice place to live and as of tomorrow a new car (long story about the car!) If I go to the gym and someone does laugh (and this probably wont happen) really, what is the worst that can happen, ok ill cry, but i'm still doing something for myself and my future. So personal trainer it is, gym it is, walking it is, meal plan it is! Ill let you know how it works out.