Monday, 27 February 2012

Honesty is Very Difficult

     When I started writing this blog, I made a promise to myself that i was going to be very honest about my weight issues, weight struggles and weight loss. Saying that i was going to be honest and actually being honest are two very different things. There are aspects about my weight that have caused me embarrassment in my life, and talking about this can be very difficult. With that said I made myself and you guys a promise, and I intend to keep it. Some times the truth hurts, and sometimes its downright agonising. For me, the truth of my weight and how it makes me appear to people is agonising. 
     I had one of the worst days of my life this year, and i really debated whether I would share it or not, but its a truth about my life, and I'm going to share it with you. Most of the people I am close to, know never to talk about my weight. It is a touchy, touchy subject. I grew up with an older brother who teased me about everything imaginable, not once however, did he make a negative comment about my weight. He knew the subject was off limits. When i was dating bill, he got the same impression early on that the subject is not to be talked about. People that made negative comments about my weight have been cut from my life, harsh truth but truth none the less. 
    This is seriously difficult for me to write, so I'm just going to do it.  I went back to university this year. Big undertaking, believe me. I'm a distance student but I write my exams at Grenfell. Before my first exam I got my sister in law to go to the college with me to make sure that the desks were OK. For those of you who have not had major issues with weight, those little desks in school may not terrify you like they do me. I was very relieved to see that the exam room consisted of long tables with chairs. So I wrote my two first exams with no complications. When I went to write my third I noticed that no one was in the exam room. I went looking around and to my horror I found where our exam was. It was moved to another class room and all the little desks were set up. I know at that moment my blood pressure sky rocketed. I had trouble breathing and felt heat rising from my neck right up to the top of my head. I had two choices at that moment, to run away and fail the exam, or to suck it up and deal with it. Every nerve in my body was screaming "run Amanda, its not worth it, just RUN!" I didn't run. I went to the invigilator and told her those desks were not going to work for me. She was very nice and told me there were chairs in the next room I could bring in. So I walked out to the next room, had a quick little cry, and dragged a chair into the exam room full of twenty something year olds who looked perfect, tiny and like they walked off the set of gossip girl (or insert any other twenty something age grouped television show here.)
I went in, humiliated, sat down with my chair pulled in awkwardly to one of those little desks, and aced that exam.
     I think that is the day I decided I was done being  controlled by something that I had complete control over. I have had enough of letting my emotions control my eating. That's when I started making plans. Plans including going to my doctor, being referred for surgery, and finding a personal trainer to help me change my life. I'm not saying that I'm not going to make mistakes, have slip backs (aka Mary browns and such), but i cant let  myself be controlled by it any more. I always think that people are laughing at me. Going out in public has become increasingly difficult for me lately, and I have spent a lot of my life in front of people. I sing, I have sung in front of thousands of people, (literally) and always before I sing I think to myself, people are probably snickering and smirking about me, but just give me a chance to open my mouth and ill show them what i can do... well I'm tired of feeling that people are snickering about me. I am educated, I have a good job, I have a husband that absolutely adores me, and children that couldn't be more beautiful than they are, (seriously, have you ever seen them... GORGEOUS!!) But any way, I have decided to be Amanda, the Amanda I am, and not the Amanda that I think people see. I'm really tired of trying to shrink into the background, trying to be invisible. I am me. I will leave you with a quote from my beautiful niece Melissa.  We went to the beach this summer and of course I didn't want to take my cover up off and get in the water. She gave me very wise advice, she said "who cares, i always say don't like it, don't look at it!" She has a good point. Dont let what you think other people are thinking dictate what you actually do. This is me being honest.

1 comment:

  1. Love the honest you, keep it up! Out of the mouths of babes, Melissa knows what she's talking about. T