Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Mini... Actually Massive Melt Downs!!

     OK, I have come to realise that honesty is really hard. I planned on being open about every aspect of my weight loss journey this time, and had good intentions of telling the whole story, whether its pretty or not. But to be honest with you, that is really hard! I have secrets about eating and exercise that no one knows about but me, and to break down and tell some of those secrets is really disturbing, because then they aren't secrets any more. But I'm getting ahead of myself now.
     Not all of you know but I have been really sick for the last two and a half weeks, which meant my exercise would have to wait until I could actually breathe. Not a problem I told myself, Ill just follow the calorie plan and exercise when I was feeling better, but a strange thing happened, I didn't feel better. I was still coughing and wheezing and having trouble getting my breath. Yesterday I actually felt a little bit better. So I got ready, and with some encouragement from a good friend, went to the gym. I just used the treadmill for twenty minutes but I felt great, getting from the car to the house, that was another story. The cold has been really hurting my lungs, seriously this flu is getting the better of me. But I did go to the gym and I did feel great. So today I was supposed to walk outside, for ten minutes, (a couple of times throughout the day)  that's like five minutes up and five minutes back... seriously who can't do that... me apparently.
     When you leave my house there is a little hill, this hill really gets the better of me whether I am driving my new standard or walking. I have stalled there both in a vehicle and on two legs! Bill graciously agreed to come with me, I say graciously because he already knew it wasn't going to be a pleasant experience for him... i was not in a good mood. I was armed with bill for support, and my ipod for time... I planned to turn around at the five minute mark. Five minute mark! It sounds ridiculous now that I couldn't do it. As soon as I walked out the door I felt the cold hit my lungs, and it didn't feel good, but I kept on going. I got to the end of our driveway and started on the little hill that is my nemesis. I wasn't walking for two minutes when the thought came screaming in my head "I CANT DO THIS!!" so I turned to bill and said, "I can not do this." My chest was hurting, I couldn't get my breath, the hill looked like mount Everest, and I saw with perfect clarity just how far I had to go, not the top of the hill, but the mount Everest of losing over a hundred pounds. With that thought came the tears, on the side of the road I had a melt down. I cant walk five minutes up a small hill, yet I'm going to have to do this day after day, after day. I had that familiar feeling again, I give up. Its too hard. There is too far to go. And I don't have the strength... now get me a chocolate bar!
                                          (you will have to excuse bills thumb in the pic... oops!)

      Luckily bill was there to bring me back to reality. He managed to talk me into walking the rest of the way. So panting, coughing, and wheezing I made my way up the hill. I cried all the way home, I moaned on our little drive around town that I cant do it any more, I've done it so many times and it gets harder each time. I had quite a self pity party during that drive, talking about every past failed attempt to lose weight, how far I had to go, crying, and listening to every sad song on my ipod. So bill let me vent and cry for a while, then told me that from now on when I walk I will walk down the hill on the other side and walk for ten minutes and he will pick me up if I need him to. Ill bring the cell phone and call him, but ill still get my walking in.(I love him) I'm very lucky. So I'm feeling better again, and ill go out again, armed this time with an ipod and a cell phone. Just that little hill got the better of me... made me want to quit and of course eat chocolate. But I'm not going to, no matter how much I want to... here's hoping the next time is easier. Ill let you know.

Oh and I have an update for you, since seeing a personal trainer and being put on an actual plan I have lost eight pounds!


  1. HI Amanda,
    Your writing is great. Some of your statements are pretty impacting. You mentioned in an earlier blog about taking control over something that really doesn't have control. So true how we're tricked into thinking there's no way out. So many places where that happens in our lives, not just weight issues. Sounds like you have a good support system in Bill. That is a blessing indeed. Praying for you on this journey. Looking forward to reading more of your blogs.

  2. thank you Christie... so good to hear from you again!!

  3. That's awesome Amanda!! So proud of you :)

  4. Thank you for your honesty.....you can do this!!

  5. Hi Amanda, I just came back from my walk and I was thinking of you and this particular blog.
    8 years ago, I was 100+ lbs more than what I am right now. I started doing some walking and lost some weight, but as soon as I stopped, I gained it all back and then some. I did the yo yo thing for awhile and then finally a little more than a year ago, I found my nook with weight watchers. I am now managing to maintain my portionned food intake along with my exercise. I'm not trying to sell you on ww as I believe that everyone needs to find their own thing. I am however trying to impress on you that if I can walk most days, so can you.

    I just came back from walking 2h15minutes. I'm on holidays today and had time to do it. Most days I walk about one hour less than that. Trust me, I did not start at this level. I could only walk a few minutes at a time. I was able to gradually increase my time and my speed. I used to have high blood pressure and I don't anymore. My doctor tells me I have the heart rate of an athlete (I still have trouble believing that). I'm now also 10-15 lbs away from my goal weight.

    Amanda, if I can do this, so can you...... Keep it up and don't give up! :)

  6. hi janette,
    thanks so much for writing... your comment was soooo inspiring!! some times i feel so far from where i need to be but people like you remind me that it is possible... thank you <3

  7. You are welcome Amanda! Thank you also because it also helps for me to share my story and to remind myself that the healthy weight road never ends.....