Friday, 1 June 2012


     I am really angry today. I am being constantly sabotaged in my effort to lose weight by a ruthless individual. The moment I start to feel good she comes swooping in to hinder me in my process, and believe me she is a master manipulator. In her convincing tone she assures me that one doughnut will not hurt, just add it in to your calories for the day. You have been doing so well she says in her most sympathetic voice, Believe me, You deserve it! This morning she said to me, "Amanda, just look at how differently you eat now than you did before, that has to count for something, one... or maybe two doughnuts aren't going to hurt you. And that yummy looking pastry on the counter that has cheese on it, you are doing so well that this little pastry  wont hurt you... with the doughnut of course. Ughhh, she can talk me into anything. My saboteur is myself.
     I have already said in my earlier posts that I have been struggling with weight for most of my life. This means countless diets and probably hundreds of pounds lost. One of my patterns is that when i lose a significant amount of weight, enough for other people to notice, I immediately begin to slack off. I'm not sure of the psychology behind this. I have no idea why the very thing that should give me incentive to work harder, instead gives me some sort of permission to slack off, and believe me, when I slack off I really slack off. I have this unhealthy relationship with food that dictates my whole life. If I'm avoiding food I'm unhappy, If I'm eating everything I want, I'm unhappy and disgusted with myself. This is why I have opted for surgery, I obviously need help with this. I heard an absolutely terrifying statistic the other day. People who are morbidly obese, and much to my horror I fit this category, the chance of losing one hundred or more pounds and effectively keeping that weight off is five percent. FIVE PERCENT!!! Seriously, that's basically no percent. I really don't want to do all this work to gain it all back in a few years, with more besides... i have done that too many times already.
     I really don't know what the answer is for me. I'm still trying to lose and be more aware of what I am putting in my body, and trying to exercise but I feel like I'm constantly fighting. One thing that I am doing is being honest. I have pretended my weight problem wasn't real for a long time. I didn't discuss it,  hid in the background, tried my best to avoid the subject at all cost... well this blog has certainly put a stop to that. I have been toying with the idea of putting my before and after weight on the blog as I go along. Can't be much more accountable than that. I don't think I'm ready for that yet though.
     So for today I will try and ignore the little voice that tries to sabotage me when I am doing good. Ill try and forget my missteps this morning and travel on in a more productive eating pattern for the rest of the day. This really has a lot of power over me... I think its time to take that power back!

oh and by the way that strawberry pastry in the picture was made by my husband!!


  1. Oh my! It's one thing to avoid the pastry in the store, but to have your hubby bake it!! Wow! Is he a baker? Is that his line of work?

    I fully grasp that you may not understand your relationship with food. However, you do know that it is not right. I for one now seem to have a better, healthier view. It takes some time but I still catch myself in front of the cupboard staring at food for no apparent reason. I physically force myself to move and then, after sticking gum in my mouth, try to figure out what brought me to look at the food when I wasn't hungry. It's always always due to some sort of emotion. From happiness, sadness, stress, loneliness, whatever, food awaits. I know this and now can control it better. You are in the right direction Amanda. One step at a time. For the record, I've never been a fan of donughts and pastries. A bag of potato chips though will have me

  2. For me, losing 40lbs last year was good BUT... it started to make me feel like I was losing my identity a bit. I've always been The Fat Girl. While I desperately desire to lose this weight and to know a different life, sometimes I wondered if I'm not The Fat Girl, who am I?
    Just remember honey that you are YOU. Changing your reflection in the mirror is only changing your outside appearance.
    Oh - hat's off to the 36lbs you've lost. I have not lost any since the 2 week fluids, BUT I'm negotiating a minefield right now and doing my best.
    Take care of YOU - and for the love of all things Holy tell Hubby to lay off baking such incredible goodies... I'm wiping the drool off my lower lip as I type...

  3. thanks guys... love reading your comments... it makes me feel like i am not alone in this... (and bill only makes stuff like this on special occasions :)

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