SABOTAGE!!

     I am really angry today. I am being constantly sabotaged in my effort to lose weight by a ruthless individual. The moment I start to feel good she comes swooping in to hinder me in my process, and believe me she is a master manipulator. In her convincing tone she assures me that one doughnut will not hurt, just add it in to your calories for the day. You have been doing so well she says in her most sympathetic voice, Believe me, You deserve it! This morning she said to me, "Amanda, just look at how differently you eat now than you did before, that has to count for something, one... or maybe two doughnuts aren't going to hurt you. And that yummy looking pastry on the counter that has cheese on it, you are doing so well that this little pastry  wont hurt you... with the doughnut of course. Ughhh, she can talk me into anything. My saboteur is myself.
     I have already said in my earlier posts that I have been struggling with weight for most of my life. This means countless diets and probably hundreds of pounds lost. One of my patterns is that when i lose a significant amount of weight, enough for other people to notice, I immediately begin to slack off. I'm not sure of the psychology behind this. I have no idea why the very thing that should give me incentive to work harder, instead gives me some sort of permission to slack off, and believe me, when I slack off I really slack off. I have this unhealthy relationship with food that dictates my whole life. If I'm avoiding food I'm unhappy, If I'm eating everything I want, I'm unhappy and disgusted with myself. This is why I have opted for surgery, I obviously need help with this. I heard an absolutely terrifying statistic the other day. People who are morbidly obese, and much to my horror I fit this category, the chance of losing one hundred or more pounds and effectively keeping that weight off is five percent. FIVE PERCENT!!! Seriously, that's basically no percent. I really don't want to do all this work to gain it all back in a few years, with more besides... i have done that too many times already.

     I really don't know what the answer is for me. I'm still trying to lose and be more aware of what I am putting in my body, and trying to exercise but I feel like I'm constantly fighting. One thing that I am doing is being honest. I have pretended my weight problem wasn't real for a long time. I didn't discuss it,  hid in the background, tried my best to avoid the subject at all cost... well this blog has certainly put a stop to that. I have been toying with the idea of putting my before and after weight on the blog as I go along. Can't be much more accountable than that. I don't think I'm ready for that yet though.
     So for today I will try and ignore the little voice that tries to sabotage me when I am doing good. Ill try and forget my missteps this morning and travel on in a more productive eating pattern for the rest of the day. This really has a lot of power over me... I think its time to take that power back!


oh and by the way that strawberry pastry in the picture was made by my husband!!

Four Month Progress

  A little update for you all who are interested.  I got referred for surgery in December of this year, however, I didn't try to lose weight until after Christmas because lets face it...it was Christmas. So I began trying to lose weight but it was really hard for me this time. I had done so many diets in the past that I really didn't feel I could start the process again, and when I did it  seemed like I didn't have the steam to follow through. So I contacted a trainer who put me on a diet and exercise plan, my metabolism was shot and she is helping me get back on track. Since January of this year i have lost thirty four pounds!! feels like a drop in the ocean right at the moment but that's where I'm at.

Horizontal Stripes

 I have been sitting next to my dresser for the last thirty minutes looking for something to wear, getting frustrated because there was no magical new shirt appearing each time I riffle through. I hate clothes. I hate buying clothes, I hate trying on clothes, I hate how clothes fit me and but most of all, I hate not having enough. Getting ready to go anywhere is horrible for me. I can lay out clothes for my boys and Bill and they will pick it up put it on with no hesitation... with me there is a ritual. I try it on, a shirt that I may have loved when I tried it on the first time, but on the way out the door I have to pass by a mirror in my hallway, then all of a sudden I hate what Im wearing and I have to change it. This may happen several times. I avoid looking in mirrors or reflective windows. It makes shopping terrible. There was a point in my life that I looked in every mirror I saw, but now I don't... because it gives me a horrible, uncomfortable feeling.
     As I said I hate  getting ready to go places, the main thing I feel is angry. I'm angry at myself for being the way I am and Im angry that there is no where I can shop without spending fifty dollars for a t shirt, I'm angry that I don't look the way I would like to look in my clothes, and I'm angry that there is never anything I want to wear.
      I have developed a bit of an online shopping addiction recently, actually I dont shop as much as i look. If  I think it wont look good on me I just scroll on past. The trouble is that I usually scroll on past everything. I  was just looking at a site with a pretty tank top with black horizontal stripes and I really liked it. Then I had a memory, I was in junior high sitting next to a girl in my class, not a girl who was a good friend but someone I sat next too who was also slightly over weight. We were for some reason looking at catalogues (probably some down time) and for some reason my teacher said in front of the entire class Amanda and (lets just call her Brenda) Brenda, why is it that you two shouldn't wear horizontal stripes? This was horrifying enough but she made each of us answer her and say exactly why we shouldn't wear them. Because it makes you look wider. Yes I really needed to announce to the class that I couldn't wear them because i was fat.  Even after "Brenda" had announced her reason I remained quiet, this was not good enough she looked at me and said Amanda why is it that you shouldn't wear horizontal stripes? the quicker I answered the sooner everyone would stop looking at me.

     Makes you wonder if this may have something to do with the reason I hate clothes. I think we need to be more aware of how powerful our words are on younger people... it can alter perception. I think I may buy that shirt!

Thanks Again Grenfell!!

     So another night another stop on my journey... this stop includes again, major embarrassment. I don't enjoy writing these post that embarrass me, tonight however, I am so frustrated I feel like I have no choice but to write about it. I guess its therapeutic. This has been one of the worst weeks I can ever remember. I worked three night shifts in a row, no big deal I do that all the time, I can catch up on my sleep when they are over. I can unless my husband gets an attack of the kidney stones and we spend our three nights off awake waiting for the pain to go away or visiting our emergency room. The valuable time we are in between kidney stone attacks, instead of studying for my upcoming exams I end up sleeping because lets face it, sleep takes over even when you don't want it to.
     Thankfully bill passed the stone this morning, this evening I had an exam. So after nights of no sleep, driving back and forth to corner brook, waiting in waiting rooms, and worrying, I have an exam. Did I study? Yes I did. Was it good quality studying? Probably not. But going into the exam I knew my stuff. I Walk toward the exam room, after walking up two flights of stairs huffing and puffing (and sweating) I see that people are already writing the exam.... Oh no! please tell me I didn't miscalculate the time of the exam again. A gentleman walks toward me and tells me my exam has been moved. IMMEDIATELY I get sick to my stomach... oh no not again. So I walk to where he has pointed, there is a room with no desks, I think "well that's odd, but no desks are better than little desks!" The invigilator says to me "Amanda" (she knows me by name, I think that's nice) were sorting it all out the exam is down the hall. I walk down the hall and see a room full of tiny little desks like my little boy sits at in school. I groan inwardly and walk back to the invigilator. Sensing my panic her and the other invigilator begin talking quietly and nodding. They call me over "the only solution we have is to have you write the exam with the french class (GREAT), however its an oral french exam, so a cd will be playing throughout the whole test.So here are my choices, go and write the exam in a room with no chair I can sit in or in a room where a french woman is rambling on for fifty minutes.All while making this decision the people in the hall are staring at me. It frustrates me to write an exam when pages are being turned much less another language being spoken. The people writing the french test had to move toward the front of the class because the cd couldn't be turned on full blast because the group next door wouldn't be able to concentrate!!!!!
     So i begin writing my exam... The five principles of feminist social work are... COMMENT ALLEZ VOUS!! 

OK, so i start again, The five principles of feminist... BONJOUR MADAMOSELLE!!!!   One more time... The five principles of fe... C'EST BIEN!!!!  So this went on for the remainder of my exam. Not a good night. I try to end these blogs on a positive note but to be honest I really don't think there is a positive note to end it on. Its so gross to be writing a final with tears burning the back of your eye lids and a huge lump in your throat. SIGH. So i Guess Ill plug on. Ill resist the urge to buy a tub of butterscotch icecream to bring to work with me and hope for a better night tomorrow night when i write my english exam.

successes :)

     I know i just posted a blog the other day but i was flicking through a few pics on my son's phone and saw this pic of me and him during Christmas (isn't he cute).

while trying to get a pic of my new glasses to send my cousin, (because I think they are Ginormous) I took this I can see a difference... can you?

Set Backs... Make That Temporary Set Backs

So today I'm going to talk about set backs... mainly because I'm in the middle of a huge one. Ughhh, once again I am suffering from self destruction. Its hard to understand the hold that food has over my life. I don't think I will ever be able to fully understand it. I never self sabotage because of hunger. Hunger does not make me eat... wanting to eat makes me eat. There are lots of excuses I could use to explain my set back this time.
     Excuse #1. Night shifts. I have been working a large number of night shifts recently. Now, when I work a night I have to eat or I just  feel horrible... actually it is a twelve hour work day, only its dark out. So I bring munchy food to get me through the hours that i want to be sleeping but cant. Of course i give myself allowance because "I'm only doing this to get myself through the night" the thing is I could still be making wise choices at night, but I don't. so my excuse holds very little validity.
     Excuse #2. I've been sick. I have to admit, I have never been as sick as I have been recently. I had the worst flu ever. Because of this I totally gave myself allowance to stop... well, everything. I didn't exercise because I had no energy, I didn't eat right because I had no energy to put into working at getting healthy meals. I really wanted comfort food. One day of comfort food turned into the next, which turned into the next, and so on and so on.
     Excuse #3. studying. I have had so much work to do that every evening I have been studying and writing papers and reading Shakespeare, how could i ever have time to exercise while doing all this! Ten minutes of walking is impossible!! (sarcasm) for all of you that do not know me well... I always need to clarify when I am being sarcastic... just in case.
     Throughout my life one thing I have been exceptionally good at when it comes to eating is making excuses about my eating. I really need to wrap my head around the fact that I'm not dieting this time...  am getting healthy, and I really, really want to be healthy. The surgery I am on the waiting list for is looming ahead of me next year some time I assume, and I really need to be as strong as I can be to get through it. I cant put any more weight on, (besides the seven pounds I put back on already... I promised id be honest) and I need to lose as much as I possibly can before then.
     Once again I am starting over. There is no point in getting down and upset with myself, well more upset than I already am. So here goes, starting again. Feel free to follow along. I like the support!

Little Accomplishments!

     Hey, I thought I would talk about some of my little accomplishments. I have written about my weight loss so far, but there are more things happening besides the scales dipping down. Actually I have to admit that I  have had a bad food week. I seemed to have a bad beginning and it kept following me throughout the week. It really is a battle every day.
     On a positive note, I have been going to the gym, walking and generally trying to be more active. This week we are starting aqua size, I cant wait!! Since trying to become more active I have noticed some subtle changes. This week I had to have my eyes tested, and if you know anything about Corner Brook, you know its a city built on a hill. To get any where you either have to go up or down. So since I have started driving a standard I avoid hills at all cost. I drove to my appointment, parked on the bottom of the hill and walked up to the office, (in the pouring rain). When I got to the top of the hill I saw a sign in the window that said open in fifteen minutes. So i walked back down the hill, only to walk back up a few minutes later. I was sitting in the waiting room before i finally realised that I wasn't winded from the walk. My face wasn't red and I didn't feel like I could collapse. Little accomplishment #1.
     You all know that I find it difficult to admit just how far I have gone when it comes to my health and what shape I am in. One issue for me was going to church. I have suffered from a bad back for a while now and I assume it is connected to my weight. One problem this brings with it is standing for long periods of time. I get a horrible pain in my lower back, causing me to sit down when everyone else is standing. I would find this very embarrassing. This week I went back after being away for a few weeks, and noticed that my back didn't get bad while standing. I still felt the beginnings of the pain that caused me to sit down all the time, but it never got bad enough for me to actually have to sit down. Little accomplishment #2.
     We have a new car which I have mentioned several times, and I had been having difficulty reaching the clutch because I had the seat pushed way back because I felt tight sitting up too close. In the past week I have noticed that when i get in I pull the seat closer and closer to the steering wheel. I have noticed that I can pull it ahead way further and reaching the clutch is becoming a non issue. Little accomplishment #3
     Still dealing with the car, I have noticed that I have much more slack in the seat belt. Small accomplishment #4.
     I am seeing differences, If i can keep telling myself to keep on keeping on it should be all good. I do have trouble with night time eating... its been a struggle to avoid night time snacking, any one have any suggestions to offer? Any way, I thought I would keep you posted on my small accomplishments!