I DID IT!

Hello my friends who follow me. I thought i'd post an update about how my appointment in St Johns and how I am doing right now. I'm so happy that i finished the fourteen day liquid diet. To be totally honest it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life, and I have had two children... one of them a ten pounder! The whole way through the diet I felt very inadequate, it seemed like i was so much weaker than everyone else. Everyone who has had this surgery has had to do this diet. I felt that i was struggling so much that it didn't feel normal. I had a constant headache, I was tired, sad, depressed, and very very irritable... let me just say poor, poor Bill. But when i got to my appointment the ladies reassured me that this was perfectly normal and that I did well with my journaling and my weight loss. I lost fourteen pounds. I got to meet the surgeon and he explained things in detail, he did say he would like me to lose as much weight as possible before the surgery to make it easier on both of us. I felt very open talking with the nurse practitioner and the dietitian but when the surgeon came in I clammed up. Its a good thing Bill was with me because he had the intuition to ask the questions he knew that I had. Not sure why this happened but maybe it was knowing this man would have my life in his hands, his instruments inside my body changing it forever, maybe it was because he would be seeing parts of my body that I am totally uncomfortable with. I'm not sure why I lost my voice but i am very glad that Bill was there. Anyway back to the part about losing weight. I would like to lose another fifteen pounds or so before surgery. No big deal I thought. Bill and I started walking every day since we got back. Only short distances because I cant walk far, but it was everyday none the less. Then we decided to add three houses each day and this was working very well for me. Then I decided to go shopping wearing sandals, getting out of the car I hooked my baby toe in the door and immediately knew I had done something terribly wrong. When I looked down, my baby toe was pointing in a different direction than my other four. Now for those who don't know me well, my biggest fear in life is seeing someone with their limbs pointing the wrong way or bones sticking outside of their body... (I have no idea how I managed to work in a hospital!) My biggest fear had happened to me!!!! So while at the emergency room the nurse LIED and told me this wouldn't hurt getting put back.. IT HURT!!! and after ex-rays I found out it was broken. So i am put off work for a while and told to be very careful. There go my daily walks. Im so clumsy. I don't know how I managed to do it. I must be totally accident prone or something. Just this morning while watching a show on my ipad and i dropped it on my nose making a big bump on it, and now I am praying my eyes don't turn black. Seriously who does stuff like that?!? Me I guess. So I"m trying to be good and make better choices with my eating. I had given up caffeine and soda during the liquid diet, so i figured I had no reason to take that up again. I am just drinking water now hoping that will help. Before I had left to go to my appointment while I was still on my liquid diet some friends decided to have a girls night out and because i have awesome friends they decided to make smoothies instead of snacks... how sweet. while we were there we started discussing diets and the diets we had been on. It got me thinking about the different tactics i have used to try and lose weight. I thought id share with you all... sooooooo here is my list weight watchers, biggst loser (pasadena edition), tops, the cookie diet, the fat burning cabbage soup diet, herbal magic, slim fast tuna diet, three day diet, dukan diet, atkins diet, green tea diet, metabolism increasing diet, the makers diet, the diet cookie diet, That's my list,and I am sure there are more that I cant remember. Some of the highlights to these diets are: the dukan diet. Meat, meat and only meat all the time, breakfast dinner and supper. The tuna diet, You eat tuna for two meals and regular meal for the third. The cabbage soup diet, you guessed it cabbage soup for two meals a day and when whenever you are hungry. They all have pretty much the same result... they make me want to eat the things im restricted from. The one that worked by far the best out of all these for me was the makers diet. Its one that has a foundation in prayer, maybe there is a lot to be said in that. well this is kind of a sporadic blog but its what has been running through my head today. Hope you all have a wonderful day!! Don't break any toes!! (it really hurts)

The Birthday Pity Party!

Happy birthday to me. Today I'm 36. At thirty six years old I can boast and say that I have a wonderful family, cool job, nice car, nice apartment/house, the most gorgeous children you could have ever imagined, an education, sweetest husband that loves me no matter what I am, amazing friends, the coolest as well as beautiful nieces and nephews, wonderful parents, a lovely little kitten that I adore... so many things to be so thankful for and I woke up thinking "I cant even eat on my birthday... what a horrible day, poor me!" (imagine me with my bottom lip stuck out) The liquid diet has been grueling for me, and I'm only on my fifth day. I'm hungry, have a headache, I'm cranky, and I am ashamed to admit what i would do for one potato chip! What I am surprised to find about myself on this liquid diet is that I am so emotional. I feel almost lonely. Is food that important to me that I miss it like a friend. I guess it turns out food is my oldest friend. One that I both love and hate. I'm feeling quite isolated and sad. I wish I could explain what it feels like but I cant quite put my finger on what emotion it is other than lonely. I'm trying honestly to explain what this part of the process is like for me, it has not been easy, but its for the bigger reward and that is what I cant seem to keep in the forefront of my mind. The thought of eating another bowl of soup makes me want to vomit. (hope i don't gross you out) My stomach rolls every time I think about eating something now...actually correction, my stomach rolls when I think about eating something i'm supposed to be eating, i could easily devour a hot dog or hamburger, or a salad even! In my mind I know that this is something very important that I am doing for myself and that if I cheat or quit I am sabotaging myself in a major way... but the impulsive wanna eat and chew is overpowering. I have spoken to some people who have gone through the same diet and found it a breeze. So what is wrong with me then? I thought this would be a breeze for me as well. I can do a fifty day detox of sugar and processed foods no problem because its in the short term. This is short term as well but its really getting to me. well this is a depressing blog! but its honest. Ill update you further as i go along. This is where i am in the process to date. oh and I started this blog yesterday so its no longer my birthday. And on a positive note (finally!!!!!) I have lost nine pounds in five days.

The Power Of The Mind!!!

I have never realized how powerful suggestive thinking could be. I am obviously very susceptible to the power of my own mind! As i told you in my previous blog i was invited to the orientation for my weight loss surgery. Along with this there are several things I had to do. My sleep study to see if i have sleep apnea, blood work, clinical appointment and a two week liquid diet trial. Now I have to admit I fully believed i had sleep apnea, so i went to the respiratory therapy specialist, got the equipment, hooked myself up like robo cop and went to sleep. The therapist told me I needed four hours of solid sleep spanning over about six to eight hours. The first thing I do upon going to bed is kick my snoring husband out of the room... just cant handle it. Knowing I needed four hours of continual sleep was playing on my mind so of course I could not sleep. I felt like I looked at the clock every fifteen minutes getting frustrated with myself more and more by the second. When I finally got up in the morning I told myself that i did not get four hours and of course I would have to do the test over. The funny thing is when the respiratory specialist called she told me I had a good reading and she was able to read the test just fine. So apparently I did sleep... strange. Ok so i thought I didn't sleep and i did, but i am sure that i have sleep apnea. Sleep apnea is a condition in which people stop breathing in their sleep, and overweight people are very prone to it. People that have it are rarely aware that they have it, but there are some tell tale signs that the condition is present. Those signs are Waking up with a dry mouth or sore throat, Morning headaches,Restless or fitful sleep,Insomnia or nighttime awakenings,Going to the bathroom frequently during the night,Waking up feeling out of breath,Forgetfulness and difficulty concentrating, Moodiness, or irritability. I had all of these things after my sleep study. I kept having these weird dreams that felt like i was trying to accomplish something but was never able to, an example of this is I spent one night trying to back my standard up a really steep hill in a hurry but kept stalling out. (Other dreams including my most chronic life long dream of trying to get out of little tiny little doors but not being able too. that has nothing to do with my weight issues at all, *sarcasm*) Also when i was talking to the specialist I felt that I could hear in her tone that the test didn't go well. Yes i am psychic too. So I got the call yesterday from the barriatric team that I was waiting for, the call to discuss my sleep study, which came back normal! So apparently there are levels of sleep apnea and mine is practically non existent and most likely does not need treatment at all. So I wonder where all those symptoms were coming from. Yeah, the mind is a powerful thing indeed. So now I am moving on to my next thing, I have started counselling to deal with some of the emotions connected with my eating. I don't eat because I'm especially hungry I eat for a number of reasons happiness, sadness, boredom, frustration, stress and the list goes on and on. I don't want to fail this time so I'm being proactive and trying to dig into some of the issues associated with this addiction in my life. The last thing I want to do is fail OR transfer my addiction to something else. I need to be head healthy in this process as well. I thought long and hard about whether i would share this part of the journey but hey its a part of hte journey so here is where my honesty and accountability come in. I have to say I found it very daunting walking in the door to the mental health building, thinking all the while what if someone sees me. Well what if someone sees me, I am doing this for me and my emotions need treatment as well, because something got me to the place i am today. in two weeks i begin my liquid diet, and i will be on it for two weeks (right through my birthday) so im sure you will be hearing i am sure you will hear from again as i let you know how the process of my two week liquid diet is going (ahhhhhhhh!!!) so that's where i am right now, ill keep you posted. Oh i almost forgot we have a new little member of our family, her name is sally and we are all head over heals in love with her, isnt she darling!!!

I Got My Letter...

So I went to the mail this week and found the most exciting thing in my mail box, a letter from eastern health telling me that I was invited to the general orientation for weight loss surgery. IM SO EXCITED!! I had an idea that it would be coming soon, but it still didn't change how shocked I was to actually receive the letter. This marks a new turn in my journey, one to a healthier me. What I wasn't expecting when I got the letter was fear. Id go to bed at night thinking of all the things that could go wrong. One night while lying in bed I actually started to cry (silently) fearing that I may be the one to have that major complication that could take me away from my family, however, even with this fear its something that I have to do. Its time for me to be honest again. something happened to me the other day that has never happened to me before... its somewhat embarrassing but it happened to me, so the new "honest about weight amanda" is going to share. I was cleaning my porch and bent down to pick up one of the many pairs of unmatched mitts on my floor (actually, there is only one of every mitten or glove, the matching one like all the pairs to my odd socks never seem to appear. This leading to my oldest son wearing one grey and one black mtitten to school last week... but im going to shake that shame off and go on with my story) While bending down my knee made a funny sound and went backward sort of locking in place. I couldn't get it to work right or bend until I actually fell down. finally I got it to move in the right direction, there was no pain but there was a realization that this happened because my body is too heavy for my knee. It couldn't work right under my weight so it stopped working. simple as that. I say this surgery is something that I have to do. I want to be a better Mom. I want to play with my kids and keep up with them at a better level. I don't want them to be embarrassed of me. So am I getting it for them... no, because I can still be their Mom, just a tired one. I want to be a better wife. I don't want to be self concious of my appearance every time I step out... so therefore we don't go out a lot. do I want to see how horrible it is for him to see how much I dislike myself, no. I love my husband, probably the most supportive person I could have ever found. Am I doing this for him, no. I can still be a wife at my weight, a self concious one but im doing it. Im going through with the surgery for me. I have watched thirty five years pass by, all the while thinking if I were thin this would feel better. If I were thin id enjoy this better. Ill do that when I lose one hundred pounds. That's crazy. So my new concious goal is to really live in the now. I know I have said that before but its a daily thought process. From the age of nine till thirty three I never owned a swim suit, now i own three. And I enjoy every minute in them. Life passes too fast to be waiting for something for thirty five years. Im tired of waiting, and that's how I know that I am doing this surgery for me. I still worry about complications. My biggest fear is a blood clot. That is the fear that keeps me awake at night. But i have to weigh the pros and the cons... if my knee gives out at thirty five, what's to follow? is my heart next? Is my liver next? I want to prevent all the things That are looming around the corner for me at this weight. Its time for a change and thankfully that change is starting. Im not sure of the process form here on out but you will know when i do. oh and by the way I bought the shirt with horizontal stripes. I had mentioned in one of my past blogs about my teacher that made me point out in front of my class why horizontal stripes were a bad idea for me. Well im thinking that now they are a good idea for me!(not the greatest picture but at least you can get the gist) I hope this blog made sense... if not blame it on my lack of sleep due to the night shifts i am working!

On the Wagon... Off the Wagon... On the Wagon... and You Guessed it... OFF THE WAGON!

Seems like it's confession time again. Its so embarrassing to come clean with you that once again I am off the clean, healthy, fruit and veggie, hay filled wagon and instead have clamored on to a wagon containing processed easy food and anything else that makes me want to sleep. Why oh why did I promise to be honest when I started this blog. Well the good news is that I haven't gained any weight back, the bad news is that it`s coming. I know that I cant keep eating things that are not fit for human consumption and expect to maintain weight loss. I haven't noticed a difference in the scales but i certainly have noticed a difference in my over all wellness and energy level. I am just so tired all the time, and add night shifts to that and you come up with a sleepy, sleepy lady. So what makes me do it? Throw my logic out the window and say bring on the regular Pepsi!! I wonder sometimes if there is something wrong with my brain... if the part of my brain that reasons healthy choices is ill and has been replaced by a sugar craving sicko. The sad thing is that I have so much head knowledge about healthy eating and what sugar and processed foods do to the body. Seriously, I could teach a course on it. I know it, but I cant live it. That's sad. So where do I go from here? I guess I will have to wait for my surgery that will hopefully fix some of the problem, and wake up each morning with intentions to be good. I have been honest with you again, lets hope on my next posting I am exclaiming a weight loss and a surgery date. here's hoping. I also would like to be able to walk into a room without feeling like every person in it is looking at me and judging me. but i think that's another topic for another time... way too many bottled up emotions to tackle that one right now. maybe next time though!

WHAT!!???!!!

Ever have one of those moments when you hear something and you are like... WHAT??!!?? No other words seem to describe what you have heard because its so shocking. well welcome my week. I had a routine eye appointment at which I figured I would find out that my eye was fine and my lost vision would come back soon... surely my eye must be bionic by now with all the steroids I have been putting in it. Sitting across from my opthamologist waiting for him to tell me I was fine, but instead I hear him say that i have cataracts. Cataracts... seriously my grandmother just had a cataract removed. How did this happen? So now I waiting for another surgery (and id like to mention that someone told me you can smell burning while having they eye surgery done... and I don't even know what to say to that) so here i am again waiting waiting, waiting. This may not make sense to a lot of you but i blame my eating for this too. I found out a few years ago that I have an auto immune disorder which likes to attack my eye with inflammation, this has caused me to have vision problems for the past few years. The thing is when I am eating a specific diet plan a lot of my problems with inflammation goes away, but that takes sugar, and all processed food from my life. I have been doing the sugar detox for a while now have lost some weight, thirteen pounds (yo yo) but lately it seems like one step forward with my weight and two steps back. Now here I am waiting for a surgery where they will take eighty percent of my stomach and a cataract from my eye and I have no idea when either will take place. So its safe to say I feel like im in a endless tunnel of waiting. So I think I need to find something to do to encourage myself... any suggestions? oh well clean eating it is for the next little while. I would to have some company on the journey... any takers :)

Good bye sugar... ill miss you. So this is where i am right now, ill keep you updated.

Just Checking In

I have been trying very hard lately (with great difficulty) to remain below my surgery requirement weight. It has been almost a year of waiting now, and I am pretty sure I have almost that much time left to wait, or more. It can get frustrating and discouraging after a while. Summer was especially difficult to remain on tract because I had been working permanent nights and, still am. The last thing you want to do when you wake up at two pm is make a healthy meal, and at two am, you want to eat to stay awake, and of course get rid of that yucky feeling in the pit of your stomach. So the summer has been difficult. Another thing I have been dealing with is a pesky problem of inflammation. This has been plaguing me for several years. Strange red inflamed spots on my skin that leave behind ugly bruises. I have had several tests done to see what the problem is but the results are always normal. Whats not normal are the ugly disfiguring marks on my body. I have come to realize that the food i eat trigger these problems. When i eat a lot of sugar (ahem, night shifts) the problem always gets worst. A few years back i went on a processed food and sugar detox. I simply cut it from my life, and I was a new person. NO inflammation, enormous weight loss, and energy to burn. So why you ask (im sure you are all wondering) did I start eating it again... because that is my pattern. I do well then i must punish myself. I am a member of the 95 percent of people who gain back their weight and go back to bad lifestyles... I am aware of this. Some people may call it stupid or moronic or say its my own fault, i call it an addiction. So i'm back on the sugar detox again! My legs and my eye got really bad again so I knew I needed to do something. I'm a week in now and feeling FANTASTIC. No chemicals, locally grown veggies, lots of chicken and fish. I wish I could do it forever, but again, I know my pattern.

Another thing i am struggling with is emotional eating. I recently got some devastating news. News that hit me like a sledge hammer in the stomach. Time for mcdonalds to wipe my tears. well not this time. I'm sticking to my detox plan and taking it day by day. I'm trying to find better ways to cope with my hurt, I've been talking to friends and family, singing (its been a long time), writing, and just finding other things to do. Mary Browns and Mcdonalds are taking a back seat to goji pop tea with unpasteurized honey. I have enough self awareness to know my pattern and know that I can slip back in a second, hence the need for surgery, but i thought id share with you where I am right now... always good to have some friends to talk to. Happy thanksgiving everyone, I hope today finds you as blessed as I am. I have the sweetest boys in the world...all three of them. Who could ask for anything more.