Milestones

In the past week I have passed two big milestones in my journey. The first milestone is that I have lost one hundred pounds since december of 2011. Seventy five of these pounds I lost since July of this year. Its funny, when I realized I had lost the hundred I was so excited... for a moment, then I quickly realized that, oh my goodness I still have all that way to go again! That was a very depressing thought and quickly made me defeated after my fleeting moment of excitement. The second milestone I passed was I went down a first digit in my weight! I have left the three hundreds forever!! So I am changing and I feel great. Since The last time I wrote I have noticed lots more changes. I am walking close to four kms a day now and actually enjoying it. I have noticed at my work the stairs I used to have to take a break walking up I now run up. Also I took out my drivers license, which has a new picture that was taken in july and I almost didn't recognize myself. So I thought I'd share it with you. The fist pic was taken four months ago and the second was taken yesterday. Thats where Im at today, I'll keep you posted.

WOW!!! Things Are Changing!!!

Over the past week or so I have noticed several big changes in my self. As I mentioned in other posts I have a standard jeep. I love driving my jeep but my weight has produced several problems while driving it. I cant reach the clutch because the steering wheel is situated in a place that makes it very difficult(in front of my stomach) and I have very short legs. I couldn't do up the seat belt in my jeep it was smaller than seat belts in other cars that I have driven in. I was getting ready to go to work the other day and I jumped in our jeep that had been out of commission since my surgery and I pulled my seat ahead and noticed that I wasn't reaching for the clutch... hmmm that's new, since my seat was pulled ahead I didn't think for a moment that the seat belt would fit... well it did. with room to spare!!! I was in shock. I have never been able to pull my seat forward and do up my seat belt, actually I have never been able to pull my seat forward period. Yay me!! I was in church today and was sitting in my usual spot and all of a sudden I realized HEY I have my legs crossed! It has been years since I was able to cross my legs. again, Yay me!! I have been exercising (walking and swimming) but I love swimming. I had been wearing my regular swim suit (I posted a pic of it on an earlier blog) and one unfortunate day I almost lost it in the arts and culture center pool. Here is honesty again in full force, my swim suit was a size 5x, my mom sent me a brand new suit size 2x and it fit perfectly, cant stress this enough... YAY ME!! Just thought I'd pass along my good news this week. Ill keep you posted.

Differences so far

I am a little over six weeks post op and there are so many differences in my life now as compared to before my surgery. I have lost thirty eight pounds since my surgery and fifty two pounds since july 19th. Since two years ago I have lost 75 pounds. I cant wrap my head around the seventy five pounds because it came off so slow and it seems like I never really lost it, but when I look at pictures of myself at that time I can definitely see a difference from then till now. The pics on the left are of me two years ago, the ones on the right are of me now since surgery. I have noticed so much difference in my ability to walk and my energy level. I still get really tired throughout the day and I'm sure that is because I'm only averaging 400 calories a day yet. When we were in st johns for my appointment there was a line up to the registration that was insane, this pic is of the lineup outside of the registration office that stretched back as far as I could see and of course I was at the end of it. One of my probelms in the past couple of years is that I cant stand for long periods without getting a horrible pain in my back and then I would start sweating. Under normal conditions I would have died in that lineup. Sweating, cranky to the point of crying, and ready to have a meltdown. This time however I breezed through and when Bill came to see me after parking the car he was shocked that I was fine and hanging out in the line up didn't bother me at all. Thirty five minutes later and I was not sweating or having my usual meltdown. (I also had meltdowns in store lineups... it wasn't pretty) when we left the hospital Bill looked at me with a worried look on his face (not worried about me, worried about his own well being because he is well aware of my track record) he said "there is a long walk to the car you can sit here on the bench and I can pick you up." I thought about it for a moment and said "nah ill walk" I walked to the car and it was a long way but i didn't even break a sweat, Bill on the other hand was huffing and puffing the whole way. Yeah, there is a big difference in me already. My appointment with the surgeon and the team went remarkably well. My blood work and blood pressure are perfect. Things are going wonderfully and I am so thankful to have had this surgery. The old me creeps back in some times and feels sad that I cant have a big meal and pig out anymore... but those moments are fleeting now compared to the pity and regret party I had in the beginning. This surgery was a gift and i'm so thankful for the opportunity. I had to walk up a flight of stairs last night, not a huge flight but not a small flight either and i didn't find it hard at all. Stairs used to be my nemesis! Before I had my surgery and was working the stairs used to make me out of breath for ten minutes after I was back in the office. I had to have a recovery time. I was impressed with myself last night. Things are changing for the better and I'm so happy. I still get times where I realize how far I have to go. It seems like there is no end in sight. The amount of weight I want to lose seems overwhelming, but then I look at old pictures and realize how far I have come. Bill took this before pic of me about two weeks before my surgery and the after pics are of me a couple of sundays ago. I can see a huge difference. I have fears of the dreaded slack skin (which i have already noticed) but being able to shop with my little man at toys r us for an hour looking at every single item in the store, without getting tired and frustrated shows me that things are getting better. Micah has trouble making decisions and LOVES to shop. I definitely need to get more exercise in and soon have to start walking, I have been really bad at that part of it. I have been swimming and going to aqua fit but I know I need to step it up. I will see an even bigger difference then. Tanks for following me in my journey, ill keep you updated.

Four Week Checkup

Today I had my four week checkup with the nurse practitioner. I found out that since surgery I have lost thirty four pounds, since july 19th I have lost fourty eight pounds, and since two years ago when I started this journey, I have lost 69 pounds. WOW!!! I still can't believe it. Its been really hard at times, but I hope that the hard times are all over now and from here on it will be a steady up hill climb to a healthy me. I already feel healthier. I can see a difference in myself, but really only on top, that may sound funny but that's what I see. I can see that I have lost weight on my face and shoulders but the rest of me looks the same.( I told my friend that soon my head is going to look like a marble!) I know that is not true though, the weight loss part, not the marble part, because my measurements are changing. I have lost inches off my waist and stomach. We took the boys to a movie the other night and when you get to the weight I am (was!!) every chair in the world worries you. The ones with arms especially. Is it going to be tight and uncomfortable, are the booths going to be wide enough, and so on. The last movie I went to before my surgery was torture (for two reasons but I wont get into the irritating people behind me) the chair cut into my legs and hips so much that by the end of the movie I was in so much pain I could have cried. This movie experience was so much different. I had room to spare in the seat. So really not only my head and shoulders are shrinking, the rest of me is too. The only thing I find difficult is that I get so tired and I assume that is because I'm still on liquids yet. OH yeah!! I almost forgot, I get to eat today!!! Im sooooo excited! The dietition is supposed to be calling me soon to discuss how i can progress with my diet. I cant wait. It really does feel like forever. Its strange but since i have been on liquids for so long I needed an outlet, so my outlet has been the food network. I watch all the healthy cooking food shows I can find. I love cooking and preparing meals for my family and making sure that they are eating well. I guess its my little relief. So that is where i am in my journey... I will keep you updated!

Four Week Update

On Monday it will be four weeks since my gastric sleeve surgery. Have things changed since then... oh yeah!! My life hardly resembles my old life already. I haven't had solid food since July 19th. I explained why my liquid phase was so long in my last blog (totally my fault, I take full responsibility) Normally you can start mushy foods on this day, (Monday that is) but i'm not starting until Thursday. This is because I have had a horrible week and I need time for my system to to bounce back after it all. For the first two weeks after I came home I felt great. I was losing weight, had way more energy, and felt amazing. It was shocking to me that clothes that were too small were were so quickly fitting me. In the second week I was able to give away a large box of clothes because it was just too big. (I owe this in part to the longer liquid diet phase) One morning I got up and said to the boys, "lets go to the playground", but instead of driving we walked both ways and it was great. Things were changing for the better. My family had decided to organize the red shoe crew walk for families in pasadena.(my niece introduced this to us and we are so thankful that she did, check them out. www.OurHouseNL.ca, ) Me and Micah were out fundraising, walking door to door without the old sweating and wheezing and puffing. (and micah did such a good job and has already raised 55 dollars for this wonderful cause. But then this week happened. At the beginning of this week I began to feel, for want of a better word, ikky. I was tired and had a pain in my stomach that wasn't there before. Then the pain happened every time I drank or ate (actually still technically drinking, I was only eating soup, completely liquid soup) My first thought was oh my gosh something is wrong. I put up with the pain for a day and still managed to get most of my fluids and protein in. Then I had a night where I was awake all night with horrible acid reflux. I told myself my troubles are all stemming from this. On Wednesday night things all came to a head. I was up breathing fire, my stomach was hurting, my back was paining and my mind was racing. Oh my gosh I knew for sure that i had torn my sleeve and now my stomach contents were seeping out into my body. I remembered that earlier in the week I was doing laundry and a piece of clothes got tangled around the agitator and I had to lean way over the side of the washer and pull on the stubborn shirt. when I did I had hurt my self a little. well that was it, laundry had destroyed my sleeve! I knew I hated laundry for a reason! On Wednesday morning I called the bariatric team and told the nurse how i was feeling and she suggested that I head on in to emerg and check it out. Well the doctor didn't seem too concerned, gave me some gravol and sent me on my way with the advice to certainly come back if I got a fever or was throwing up. So I went home. I managed to spend the next night home. I was in pain, terrified, and not able to drink without getting very nauseated. On Thursday morning Bill went to work, by the time he got home he knew I needed to go back. Even though I knew needed to get to a hospital, I kept trying to pretend I didn't. I was hardly drinking, rocking myself on the couch, and crying. Around supper time it really all came to a head. I couldn't handle it any more... when i looked at my fluid journal I had gotten about three hundred mls in for the day, in a day i am supposed to get 2000 mls. At ten I wrote a girl that babysits for us and she agreed right away to come over even though it would be for the night. When I got to the hospital and saw how busy it was there at midnight I was really ready to walk out the door! But I didn't, So I went to the waiting room and waited. I was in so much pain that i couldn't stand it. I began walking up and down the hall hoping that it would relieve it some how. After three hours I started crying. (embarrassing) but i just couldn't help it. When the nurse came I was sniviling down at the end of the hall, like a baby! So I finally got inside and the doctor quickly ordered that I be hooked up to an iv for fluids and pain meds (insert a choir singing HALELUJAH!!!) My blood pressure was 95/35 and then the next time it was 87/42... scary! The pain was subsiding but the vomiting wasn't... ughhh. So the doctor finally came back and said that my blood work was perfect, and my ex-rays were as well he was waiting on one more test before he sent me home. (my pee test) Thankfully again my pillar of strength was by my side... hee hee. My urine test showed that I was very dehydrated and also that I had a bad water infection So thankfully my stomach was not leaking, no major issues, no reason to freak out, regret my surgery, and cry for hours. Time wasted. At 6 am I left the hospital hydrated and almost pain free. On a side note something happened while at the hospital that night. CNN was on the television in the waiting room and they were discussing the situation in Russia. The broadcasters were discussing the Russian president and his followers and his main demographic being women who were fifty plus years old. They showed a picture of him with no shirt on saying that the reason he takes pics like this is for his voters...his target voters. One of the women news casters said... "I mean all of his voters are fifty plus women", then another one of the other bright broadcasters said "exactly hes playing up to all these chubby fifty year old women." WHAT!!! Chubby fifty year old women?? When I was watching this I was in pain, crying a little and in no mood to watch the news, but I sat upright (from my slumped position) looked at Bill and said "tell me that woman did not say chubby". I was disgusted. I, at that moment lost respect for the woman speaking and then also lost a little respect for CNN... I sputtered on for a few more minutes before I slumped in pain again. The word offended me...I was offended for the Russian women who were lumped in the category of chubby, and I was offended chubby women who were lumped in a category of being stupid enough to vote for someone simply because he took his shirt off for them, this causing them to ignore his policies just following along like dumb sheep because their chubby little brains could only see the shirtless man. Really CNN... really??? So that's how my week has gone.

Well Its Done!

I was trying to think of a clever title for this blog but I think the only way to really sum it up is ITS DONE!! I have had a vertical sleeve gastrectomy in which eighty to eighty five percent of my stomach has been removed. That's crazy, after waiting two years its done. So here I am at the hotel three days post op and how do I feel? Maybe I should start back at day one. I seriously felt zero nerves walking into the hospital that morning. I was so pumped. I got up had my shower, braided my hair so it would be manageable after the surgery, got dressed and pressed forward to my new life. Bill said he was a little nervous but we were both in really good spirits. when I got here and registered I was feeling a little jittery but still more excited than anything else. So when I`m called in I get dressed up in my Johnny coats and white stockings (the stockings that don't fit and they have to change while I am waiting for them to put me to sleep on the surgery table! Of course something like that had to happen. I didn't get embarassed though, just said to myself oh well lets hope this is one of the last times something like this happens) ! I was waiting in the day surgery unit for two hours before my surgeon came and got me for my surgery, luckily I had my pillar of strength with me the whole time! HA HA! As I said my surgeon came to get me and walk me back to the OR. He was talking to us for a few moments and finally told me to follow him. I had to leave my glasses behind with Bill so as I was walking I couldn't see the length of myself. I took my glasses off handed them to Bill, hopped out of the chair and pranced along behind the surgeon like LA LA LA LA!! So happy to follow the man who was going to take over half of my stomach and throw it out. I only realized after i got in the OR that I didn't hug or kiss bill just passed him my glasses with a big grin on my face and followed the Dr. down the hall saying to him "I'm half blind without my glasses!" And he replied, just follow my voice and don't run into any walls. After this I get to a big room with lots of big comfy chairs with foot rests on them, and they cover you up in warm blankets. But I was sitting glassesless, nothing coming into focus and the whole room looked fuzzy. I had no idea if when people were looking at me if they were smiling or not... it was a weird experience. All the while I was thinking to myself, I have had gall bladder removal surgery, I have a high threshold for pain (this i was informed of by a dentist in Nain, and believe me you do NOT want to hear that story!), I have had two babies, one of which was a ten pounder... I GOT THIS!!!! Ohhhh I soooooo did not have this!!! When I got into the or - this white room that was freezing with bright lights but because of my lack of glasses I could not distinguish anything and laid on that very NARROW table that I'm sure was not as wide as my body, I remember thinking that I did not remember any of this from my previous surgery. Then they started in on the IV. I am really not trying to scare any one but this is my story as I felt it on that day, and I have been honest since the beginning and I will be honest about the whole experience. It took three anesthesiologists to put in my IV's. It felt like hours and here is the result after the fact. I thank God for the marvelous nurse who tried to keep me laughing through the experience because I began to get anxious after the third doctor started to try to get the line in. She did a wonderful job of semi keeping my mind off it all. Then she put a mask on my face and I became very claustrophobic and started to panic. I had to stop myself from yelling stop! That was the first time I had second thoughts. But then I woke up in the recovery room. I woke up in way more pain than I was expecting, it hurt. I was given pain meds that took the edge off but in my mind I was thinking... Oh my goodness what did i do to myself?! Finally the pain meds started to kick in and I was brought to my room. After a while I managed to get up and pee. When I saw my reflection in the mirror I actually muttered out loud "you fool". But I gradually came around. The next morning I woke up feeling optimistic Sure there were still some hiccups along the way, I couldn't tolerate the water at first and began throwing it up, which was my worst nightmare because I was so tender. They told me that my esophagus was narrow and this was pre surgical and probably making it difficult to swallow. I threw up and they had to take me off water again for a night but the next morning I seemed to tolerate it fine. I was discharged that day. I really didn't want to be because I was still only sipping water at this point and the hospital was in overflow protocol so I didn't have a choice. But here on day three I feel optimistic and relieved that the first part is all over. It was rough but its done. Today I feel good, and no one knows how good it feels to burp! (being honest about everything!) I have been taking long walks down the hallway at the holiday inn and feeling good. still strolling in the middle of the night. I had a wonderful friend who was in in the hospital at the same time and she was a God send to me. Some lovely women who have been sleeved and are waiting to be sleeved came to visit. I was so lucky to have a great sleeve buddy who was my roommate, he seemed to tolerate the surgery much better than me but he was funny and optimistic and I'm glad he was there. My neices brought me flowers with a balloon that said congrats instead of get well... how smart was that! My niece Melissa and her boyfriend were a big support and came to see me even when i was a cranky cry baby. My parents and freinds (you all) were writing and and texting me and commenting on facebook. I felt lots of love. I have a lot to be thankful for. My surgery is done, I feel good, I had no major complications, I passed the leak test (another story you probably don't want to hear about) and I have a new future to look forward to. Do I regret the surgery anymore, absolutely not! I'm proud of myself for making the decision and following through. So now I'm going to inform you all of something i have never told anyone. When I applied for surgery I was turned down because I weighed too much. I weighed Three hundred and ninety five pounds. Its surreal for me to even write that number. SO I had to lose thirty pounds to even qualify, and I did. I went into surgery and three hundred and fifty five pounds (according to my weights.) This is very difficult to write but I think its time. I'm coming very clean and letting it all out. I have changed so much already in this process. I never told anyone any weight and would never discuss it because it was such a bad subject for me. Well I'm not that person anymore. Its time for the intimidation about it all to stop. I'm sure there are lots of challenges ahead, and you will know all about them, but I have started. I think this may have been the the hardest blog to write because I"m letting go of past embarrassments that I even let my weight get that high. Its a new day.

I Have My Date!!!!!!

OH MY GOSH I HAVE MY SURGERY DATE!!!! I am soooo excited and I know without a doubt that this blog posting will not even be coherent because of how excited I am. I have known for a little while that my surgery could be the nineteenth but i haven't written about it because i have gained some weight since my surgical consultation and needed to start the liquid diet early to see if I could get my weight down to where it needed to be... well I did so here I go! That means thirty one days of liquids but it feels so worth it to me, I have been waiting so long. Its funny, seems like I have been waiting a long time but it also seems like it came out of the blue, I think because I was expecting it much later date I was shocked when it finally came up. So on august the nineteenth my life will change in a big way and I plan to blog about it all and continue to be brutally honest then as well. Me and bill have been walking since I went on the liquid diet two weeks ago and I have discovered that I lovveeeeeee walking on trails but I hate walking on roads. I love being in the woods with something to look forward too and see at the end like a lookout or something of that nature, I almost don't notice the pain in my back, so everyday we go trekking around looking for a trail Soon we will be taking my brothers advice, he said if you cant find a trail make one... so that's our routine now... drinking liquid and walking. I plan to blog a couple days after my surgery from the hotel if I'm not in too much pain, even if its only a line or two to let you know how i am doing. I want to thank those who commented on my blog for your support and all those who just simply read it. Thank you for giving me a chance to be accountable. wish me luck, Ill update on wednesday or thursday after my surgery. I did get to have one last meal in the middle of my thirty one days, it was delicious!!

What Is Femininity?

Last week I asked myself the question what is femininity? Another question I asked myself is am I feminine? When I think about someone who is feminine I generally think about someone who is dainty, pretty, gentle... that's my perception. When I think about all these things I feel that I myself don't fit that mold. I desperately want to feel feminine but lately I feel out of place, uncomfortable and awkward, especially when in front of people, and generally im in front of people. I work with the public and I perform on a regular basis which makes shrinking into the back ground (the thing i feel most comfortable doing lately) very difficult. I was at work last week and my coworker was sitting at the desk (diligently working) and i noticed that the way she was sitting with her legs crossed, perfect posture, she looked so feminine, and it made me look at myself slumped on the couch trying to sink as far into it as humanly possible so i could cover parts of myself that i want to keep hidden. I feel like i have turned into some kind of androgynous person who tries to pretend they are a woman but dosn't quite believe it when they look into a mirror. Ahhhhhh I had no idea how depressing this posting was going to be! So I guess what i'm trying to ask is what do you see as femininity. And please write me back and tell me what you think whether on facebook, twitter, or the actual blog site. I would like to hear from all of you (men or women... not that i think many men read this blog besides bill, and i make him read it!) I pride myself on being a feminist. I have feminist values, work in a feminist environment, and believe that the fact I am a woman shouldn't hold me back from any thing in life, but that's not the same thing as being feminine... at all. I'm finding myself being very nervous about the actual surgery right now, the closer it gets to the fall the more nervous I get. But with that I have the dual emotion of feeling anxious that it is never going to get here. I have decided not to buy any more clothes because if feels like a waste when in a few months i'm going to be shrinking at a quick rate, but this leaves me with the problem that I have absolutely no clothes to wear for the summer. Its a very complex situation! I also find myself doing what I promised myself I wouldn't do anymore, living for after surgery and not living in the now. Its difficult to do that though when surgery is getting close and I know I don't have a whole lot longer to wait. Feels like im constantly in limbo. Oh the dilema! Me and bill have also written this summer off as a working summer so we can get as many shifts in as possible during our busy time, this makes the rest of the year manageable for us, which means my boys are having the time of their lives with the grandparents... lucky little guys. But missing them is so painful that it actually physically hurts. I get a dull ache in my chest when I see the pics of families spending time together and enjoying the best months of the year. (ok off topic AND depressing). But that's where I am honestly right now. lets hope that my next blog post is more inspiring... but I do want you to let me know what you think femininity is or even if you feel feminine... maybe 'not the only one. Here is a Pic of the best little things in my life and by far the best part of my summer sorry again for the lack of paragraphs... I swear they are there when I compose the blog!

I DID IT!

Hello my friends who follow me. I thought i'd post an update about how my appointment in St Johns and how I am doing right now. I'm so happy that i finished the fourteen day liquid diet. To be totally honest it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life, and I have had two children... one of them a ten pounder! The whole way through the diet I felt very inadequate, it seemed like i was so much weaker than everyone else. Everyone who has had this surgery has had to do this diet. I felt that i was struggling so much that it didn't feel normal. I had a constant headache, I was tired, sad, depressed, and very very irritable... let me just say poor, poor Bill. But when i got to my appointment the ladies reassured me that this was perfectly normal and that I did well with my journaling and my weight loss. I lost fourteen pounds. I got to meet the surgeon and he explained things in detail, he did say he would like me to lose as much weight as possible before the surgery to make it easier on both of us. I felt very open talking with the nurse practitioner and the dietitian but when the surgeon came in I clammed up. Its a good thing Bill was with me because he had the intuition to ask the questions he knew that I had. Not sure why this happened but maybe it was knowing this man would have my life in his hands, his instruments inside my body changing it forever, maybe it was because he would be seeing parts of my body that I am totally uncomfortable with. I'm not sure why I lost my voice but i am very glad that Bill was there. Anyway back to the part about losing weight. I would like to lose another fifteen pounds or so before surgery. No big deal I thought. Bill and I started walking every day since we got back. Only short distances because I cant walk far, but it was everyday none the less. Then we decided to add three houses each day and this was working very well for me. Then I decided to go shopping wearing sandals, getting out of the car I hooked my baby toe in the door and immediately knew I had done something terribly wrong. When I looked down, my baby toe was pointing in a different direction than my other four. Now for those who don't know me well, my biggest fear in life is seeing someone with their limbs pointing the wrong way or bones sticking outside of their body... (I have no idea how I managed to work in a hospital!) My biggest fear had happened to me!!!! So while at the emergency room the nurse LIED and told me this wouldn't hurt getting put back.. IT HURT!!! and after ex-rays I found out it was broken. So i am put off work for a while and told to be very careful. There go my daily walks. Im so clumsy. I don't know how I managed to do it. I must be totally accident prone or something. Just this morning while watching a show on my ipad and i dropped it on my nose making a big bump on it, and now I am praying my eyes don't turn black. Seriously who does stuff like that?!? Me I guess. So I"m trying to be good and make better choices with my eating. I had given up caffeine and soda during the liquid diet, so i figured I had no reason to take that up again. I am just drinking water now hoping that will help. Before I had left to go to my appointment while I was still on my liquid diet some friends decided to have a girls night out and because i have awesome friends they decided to make smoothies instead of snacks... how sweet. while we were there we started discussing diets and the diets we had been on. It got me thinking about the different tactics i have used to try and lose weight. I thought id share with you all... sooooooo here is my list weight watchers, biggst loser (pasadena edition), tops, the cookie diet, the fat burning cabbage soup diet, herbal magic, slim fast tuna diet, three day diet, dukan diet, atkins diet, green tea diet, metabolism increasing diet, the makers diet, the diet cookie diet, That's my list,and I am sure there are more that I cant remember. Some of the highlights to these diets are: the dukan diet. Meat, meat and only meat all the time, breakfast dinner and supper. The tuna diet, You eat tuna for two meals and regular meal for the third. The cabbage soup diet, you guessed it cabbage soup for two meals a day and when whenever you are hungry. They all have pretty much the same result... they make me want to eat the things im restricted from. The one that worked by far the best out of all these for me was the makers diet. Its one that has a foundation in prayer, maybe there is a lot to be said in that. well this is kind of a sporadic blog but its what has been running through my head today. Hope you all have a wonderful day!! Don't break any toes!! (it really hurts)

The Birthday Pity Party!

Happy birthday to me. Today I'm 36. At thirty six years old I can boast and say that I have a wonderful family, cool job, nice car, nice apartment/house, the most gorgeous children you could have ever imagined, an education, sweetest husband that loves me no matter what I am, amazing friends, the coolest as well as beautiful nieces and nephews, wonderful parents, a lovely little kitten that I adore... so many things to be so thankful for and I woke up thinking "I cant even eat on my birthday... what a horrible day, poor me!" (imagine me with my bottom lip stuck out) The liquid diet has been grueling for me, and I'm only on my fifth day. I'm hungry, have a headache, I'm cranky, and I am ashamed to admit what i would do for one potato chip! What I am surprised to find about myself on this liquid diet is that I am so emotional. I feel almost lonely. Is food that important to me that I miss it like a friend. I guess it turns out food is my oldest friend. One that I both love and hate. I'm feeling quite isolated and sad. I wish I could explain what it feels like but I cant quite put my finger on what emotion it is other than lonely. I'm trying honestly to explain what this part of the process is like for me, it has not been easy, but its for the bigger reward and that is what I cant seem to keep in the forefront of my mind. The thought of eating another bowl of soup makes me want to vomit. (hope i don't gross you out) My stomach rolls every time I think about eating something now...actually correction, my stomach rolls when I think about eating something i'm supposed to be eating, i could easily devour a hot dog or hamburger, or a salad even! In my mind I know that this is something very important that I am doing for myself and that if I cheat or quit I am sabotaging myself in a major way... but the impulsive wanna eat and chew is overpowering. I have spoken to some people who have gone through the same diet and found it a breeze. So what is wrong with me then? I thought this would be a breeze for me as well. I can do a fifty day detox of sugar and processed foods no problem because its in the short term. This is short term as well but its really getting to me. well this is a depressing blog! but its honest. Ill update you further as i go along. This is where i am in the process to date. oh and I started this blog yesterday so its no longer my birthday. And on a positive note (finally!!!!!) I have lost nine pounds in five days.

The Power Of The Mind!!!

I have never realized how powerful suggestive thinking could be. I am obviously very susceptible to the power of my own mind! As i told you in my previous blog i was invited to the orientation for my weight loss surgery. Along with this there are several things I had to do. My sleep study to see if i have sleep apnea, blood work, clinical appointment and a two week liquid diet trial. Now I have to admit I fully believed i had sleep apnea, so i went to the respiratory therapy specialist, got the equipment, hooked myself up like robo cop and went to sleep. The therapist told me I needed four hours of solid sleep spanning over about six to eight hours. The first thing I do upon going to bed is kick my snoring husband out of the room... just cant handle it. Knowing I needed four hours of continual sleep was playing on my mind so of course I could not sleep. I felt like I looked at the clock every fifteen minutes getting frustrated with myself more and more by the second. When I finally got up in the morning I told myself that i did not get four hours and of course I would have to do the test over. The funny thing is when the respiratory specialist called she told me I had a good reading and she was able to read the test just fine. So apparently I did sleep... strange. Ok so i thought I didn't sleep and i did, but i am sure that i have sleep apnea. Sleep apnea is a condition in which people stop breathing in their sleep, and overweight people are very prone to it. People that have it are rarely aware that they have it, but there are some tell tale signs that the condition is present. Those signs are Waking up with a dry mouth or sore throat, Morning headaches,Restless or fitful sleep,Insomnia or nighttime awakenings,Going to the bathroom frequently during the night,Waking up feeling out of breath,Forgetfulness and difficulty concentrating, Moodiness, or irritability. I had all of these things after my sleep study. I kept having these weird dreams that felt like i was trying to accomplish something but was never able to, an example of this is I spent one night trying to back my standard up a really steep hill in a hurry but kept stalling out. (Other dreams including my most chronic life long dream of trying to get out of little tiny little doors but not being able too. that has nothing to do with my weight issues at all, *sarcasm*) Also when i was talking to the specialist I felt that I could hear in her tone that the test didn't go well. Yes i am psychic too. So I got the call yesterday from the barriatric team that I was waiting for, the call to discuss my sleep study, which came back normal! So apparently there are levels of sleep apnea and mine is practically non existent and most likely does not need treatment at all. So I wonder where all those symptoms were coming from. Yeah, the mind is a powerful thing indeed. So now I am moving on to my next thing, I have started counselling to deal with some of the emotions connected with my eating. I don't eat because I'm especially hungry I eat for a number of reasons happiness, sadness, boredom, frustration, stress and the list goes on and on. I don't want to fail this time so I'm being proactive and trying to dig into some of the issues associated with this addiction in my life. The last thing I want to do is fail OR transfer my addiction to something else. I need to be head healthy in this process as well. I thought long and hard about whether i would share this part of the journey but hey its a part of hte journey so here is where my honesty and accountability come in. I have to say I found it very daunting walking in the door to the mental health building, thinking all the while what if someone sees me. Well what if someone sees me, I am doing this for me and my emotions need treatment as well, because something got me to the place i am today. in two weeks i begin my liquid diet, and i will be on it for two weeks (right through my birthday) so im sure you will be hearing i am sure you will hear from again as i let you know how the process of my two week liquid diet is going (ahhhhhhhh!!!) so that's where i am right now, ill keep you posted. Oh i almost forgot we have a new little member of our family, her name is sally and we are all head over heals in love with her, isnt she darling!!!

I Got My Letter...

So I went to the mail this week and found the most exciting thing in my mail box, a letter from eastern health telling me that I was invited to the general orientation for weight loss surgery. IM SO EXCITED!! I had an idea that it would be coming soon, but it still didn't change how shocked I was to actually receive the letter. This marks a new turn in my journey, one to a healthier me. What I wasn't expecting when I got the letter was fear. Id go to bed at night thinking of all the things that could go wrong. One night while lying in bed I actually started to cry (silently) fearing that I may be the one to have that major complication that could take me away from my family, however, even with this fear its something that I have to do. Its time for me to be honest again. something happened to me the other day that has never happened to me before... its somewhat embarrassing but it happened to me, so the new "honest about weight amanda" is going to share. I was cleaning my porch and bent down to pick up one of the many pairs of unmatched mitts on my floor (actually, there is only one of every mitten or glove, the matching one like all the pairs to my odd socks never seem to appear. This leading to my oldest son wearing one grey and one black mtitten to school last week... but im going to shake that shame off and go on with my story) While bending down my knee made a funny sound and went backward sort of locking in place. I couldn't get it to work right or bend until I actually fell down. finally I got it to move in the right direction, there was no pain but there was a realization that this happened because my body is too heavy for my knee. It couldn't work right under my weight so it stopped working. simple as that. I say this surgery is something that I have to do. I want to be a better Mom. I want to play with my kids and keep up with them at a better level. I don't want them to be embarrassed of me. So am I getting it for them... no, because I can still be their Mom, just a tired one. I want to be a better wife. I don't want to be self concious of my appearance every time I step out... so therefore we don't go out a lot. do I want to see how horrible it is for him to see how much I dislike myself, no. I love my husband, probably the most supportive person I could have ever found. Am I doing this for him, no. I can still be a wife at my weight, a self concious one but im doing it. Im going through with the surgery for me. I have watched thirty five years pass by, all the while thinking if I were thin this would feel better. If I were thin id enjoy this better. Ill do that when I lose one hundred pounds. That's crazy. So my new concious goal is to really live in the now. I know I have said that before but its a daily thought process. From the age of nine till thirty three I never owned a swim suit, now i own three. And I enjoy every minute in them. Life passes too fast to be waiting for something for thirty five years. Im tired of waiting, and that's how I know that I am doing this surgery for me. I still worry about complications. My biggest fear is a blood clot. That is the fear that keeps me awake at night. But i have to weigh the pros and the cons... if my knee gives out at thirty five, what's to follow? is my heart next? Is my liver next? I want to prevent all the things That are looming around the corner for me at this weight. Its time for a change and thankfully that change is starting. Im not sure of the process form here on out but you will know when i do. oh and by the way I bought the shirt with horizontal stripes. I had mentioned in one of my past blogs about my teacher that made me point out in front of my class why horizontal stripes were a bad idea for me. Well im thinking that now they are a good idea for me!(not the greatest picture but at least you can get the gist) I hope this blog made sense... if not blame it on my lack of sleep due to the night shifts i am working!