Honesty is Very Difficult

     When I started writing this blog, I made a promise to myself that i was going to be very honest about my weight issues, weight struggles and weight loss. Saying that i was going to be honest and actually being honest are two very different things. There are aspects about my weight that have caused me embarrassment in my life, and talking about this can be very difficult. With that said I made myself and you guys a promise, and I intend to keep it. Some times the truth hurts, and sometimes its downright agonising. For me, the truth of my weight and how it makes me appear to people is agonising. 

     I had one of the worst days of my life this year, and i really debated whether I would share it or not, but its a truth about my life, and I'm going to share it with you. Most of the people I am close to, know never to talk about my weight. It is a touchy, touchy subject. I grew up with an older brother who teased me about everything imaginable, not once however, did he make a negative comment about my weight. He knew the subject was off limits. When i was dating bill, he got the same impression early on that the subject is not to be talked about. People that made negative comments about my weight have been cut from my life, harsh truth but truth none the less. 

    This is seriously difficult for me to write, so I'm just going to do it.  I went back to university this year. Big undertaking, believe me. I'm a distance student but I write my exams at Grenfell. Before my first exam I got my sister in law to go to the college with me to make sure that the desks were OK. For those of you who have not had major issues with weight, those little desks in school may not terrify you like they do me. I was very relieved to see that the exam room consisted of long tables with chairs. So I wrote my two first exams with no complications. When I went to write my third I noticed that no one was in the exam room. I went looking around and to my horror I found where our exam was. It was moved to another class room and all the little desks were set up. I know at that moment my blood pressure sky rocketed. I had trouble breathing and felt heat rising from my neck right up to the top of my head. I had two choices at that moment, to run away and fail the exam, or to suck it up and deal with it. Every nerve in my body was screaming "run Amanda, its not worth it, just RUN!" I didn't run. I went to the invigilator and told her those desks were not going to work for me. She was very nice and told me there were chairs in the next room I could bring in. So I walked out to the next room, had a quick little cry, and dragged a chair into the exam room full of twenty something year olds who looked perfect, tiny and like they walked off the set of gossip girl (or insert any other twenty something age grouped television show here.)

I went in, humiliated, sat down with my chair pulled in awkwardly to one of those little desks, and aced that exam.

     I think that is the day I decided I was done being  controlled by something that I had complete control over. I have had enough of letting my emotions control my eating. That's when I started making plans. Plans including going to my doctor, being referred for surgery, and finding a personal trainer to help me change my life. I'm not saying that I'm not going to make mistakes, have slip backs (aka Mary browns and such), but i cant let  myself be controlled by it any more. I always think that people are laughing at me. Going out in public has become increasingly difficult for me lately, and I have spent a lot of my life in front of people. I sing, I have sung in front of thousands of people, (literally) and always before I sing I think to myself, people are probably snickering and smirking about me, but just give me a chance to open my mouth and ill show them what i can do... well I'm tired of feeling that people are snickering about me. I am educated, I have a good job, I have a husband that absolutely adores me, and children that couldn't be more beautiful than they are, (seriously, have you ever seen them... GORGEOUS!!) But any way, I have decided to be Amanda, the Amanda I am, and not the Amanda that I think people see. I'm really tired of trying to shrink into the background, trying to be invisible. I am me. I will leave you with a quote from my beautiful niece Melissa.  We went to the beach this summer and of course I didn't want to take my cover up off and get in the water. She gave me very wise advice, she said "who cares, i always say don't like it, don't look at it!" She has a good point. Dont let what you think other people are thinking dictate what you actually do. This is me being honest.

An Actual Plan

So I have another new start this week... I met with a personal trainer who gave me an exercise plan. Eeeeeeeek!!!! I'm scared but i'm pumped. Its really easy to slack off when you don't have a plan, well now I have a plan. And now i'm accountable to someone else besides myself (and all of you who are reading this). I'm really rooting for myself this time, and I have a lot to gain if I succeed. I do not want to have a surgery feeling the way I do right now, I want to make myself as strong as I can before having a major surgery. I had a baby at the weight I am now (well slightly less) and the recuperation process was horrible. I had an overwhelming fear of developing blood clots. I have lost the weight I need to lose as a requirement for surgery, but I haven't lost the amount that I require of myself before having major surgery.
     The intimidation that stopped me from contacting a trainer before now is still there, I hate people seeing my face turn red. and when I exercise my face turns bright RED! But lately my face turns red even doing simple things, cleaning my house or at work, or even things I love like singing. Going to the gym is going to be a major challenge for me, i'm lucky that I have a friend who is willing to go with me so I wont have to go alone. But the intimidation of people looking at me is always in the back of my mind. For some reason I have an irrational fear of people looking at me. If I could go through life invisible, i'm sure I would. I'm not sure what i'm worried about, but I hate when people look at me, i'm petrified of people laughing, and to be honest in the past that has happened, actually in the recent past. When I started this blog I promised myself that I would be honest, but I have to admit being honest is really hard sometimes.
    But I have lots of blessings when I think about it. Sometimes its easy to look at all the negatives around me, but if i really look at all of the positives in my life, i'm such a lucky person. I have a lovely little family, I have amazing friends, I have a nice place to live and as of tomorrow a new car (long story about the car!) If I go to the gym and someone does laugh (and this probably wont happen) really, what is the worst that can happen, ok ill cry, but i'm still doing something for myself and my future. So personal trainer it is, gym it is, walking it is, meal plan it is! Ill let you know how it works out.

Living for today

My whole life I have been living for tomorrow. I would love to go on  a trip, when I lose a little more weight. I would love to go to Disney land with my children, when I lose weight of course. I would love to go to the gym and work out, but I cant go and workout in public until I lose some weight first. (that last one is a little ironic)
I have been living for tomorrow, or when I lose weight, my whole life. The sad thing is, my life doesn't start tomorrow. My kids wont be little boys forever, they are little boys now. I not married tomorrow, I'm married now. My friends don't want to hang out tomorrow, they live in the now.
     I can remember my mother buying me a swimsuit when I was nine years old, and she loved me in it. Me on the other hand, not so much. I hated it, it showed too much, and i always felt more comfortable in a T shirt. So two summers ago I started thinking, I live in Pasadena, it has the most beautiful beach. My children live for the beach in the summer, who doesn't? Me, that's who. I live for the beach in tomorrow land, when I lose weight, and can wear a swimsuit. How ridiculous is that! So I decided enough is enough. I went and bought a swimsuit.The first swim suit I had put on my body in twenty three years. And I have to say, as someone who loves to swim, I had no idea how much a t shirt and shorts were taking away from that awesome experience.

     I have lived for some day in the future when i will be exactly what I want to be, for as long as I can remember... well no more. Life is too short. I have three boys in my house, Bill, James and Micah, and the three of them love me now, not in some fairy tale time that doesn't exist yet. So if you are like me, and have been living secretly for a day that isn't here yet, I promise you, that you can make the day you are actually living in  wonderful. Join with me in living life now, and enjoying every minute of it!

Starting over again

This is my first post on my first blog and as the title indicates, its about a journey that I have been on since I was a little girl. Its not a happy journey, or an exciting journey, its the struggle of my life... the struggle to lose weight. It started as far back as I can remember, the day that I realised I didn't like what I saw when I looked in the mirror. The day I realised that my face was rounder and I didn't like how my clothing fit me. I hated the comments from other people that stung more emotionally than a physical  blow ever could. People probably not meaning much harm but thought they would state the obvious.The chubby one, fat, bigger, all words that I hated. 

     Now that I am older and i look back at pics of me then, I realise that I was not much bigger than my own little boy, who I certainly don't think has a weight problem. Weight isn't even an issue on his radar yet  (thank goodness), but when I was his age I was consumed with it.I saw myself in a blown up distorted reality, feeling like the biggest girl in the world, a self fulfilling prophecy that led me to the situation that I'm in today. I went on self imposed diets starting in grade three. I would resort to tactics of feeding my sandwiches that my parents had packed for my lunch to my dog Sheba before I left for school in the morning. Of course this never worked for me, it just made me really hungry by the time I got home from school which made me eat more after school. Sheba was always happy for the morning snack though. Aweee this made me think about Sheba... and now I miss her! 
     So begins my unhealthy relationship with food. I loved food, but I hated it. I loved how food tasted, but I hated how it made me feel after I ate it. I loved eating, but I hated eating. Not much has changed, but I am working on it. 
     Which leads me to my this new chapter of my life. I have been referred for weight loss surgery, scariest choice I have ever made, but I think its the right choice just the same. I have contacted a personal trainer who is going to help me lose the extra thirty pounds I need to lose before I have my surgery, and I will  hopefully continue to lose so I will be as strong as I can be before I actually have the operation.
     I know this is a really personal topic to write about and share with the world... (or the few people on my friend list that click the link out of curiosity) but I don't think I am alone in this struggle, so maybe my story may help someone else out there who decides to read it. So on to the next part of life, weight loss surgery and hopefully rapid weight loss. I'm inviting you along for the journey with me, I could use the company!