So, When Does The Struggle End?? Anyone Know?

Why???? Why did I weigh today? Sigh, actually no, *enormous sigh* I feel like I have been on a bit of a downward spiral for a few months now. I found out that I had an issue with my iron about five months ago, it was on the low side and I had been taking supplements, so I guess it started around then. I had been eating healthy, (mainly) working out fairly regularly, maintaing and pretty much being me. I felt pretty good. Cue sickenss... I became extremely exhausted, tired like I have never experienced in my life. This is when I started taking iron, and also started taking lots of naps. Night shifts became almost impossible to recover from. I would spend days catching up on lost sleep, something I have never experienced before. I have worked jobs doing nights my whole life, so I am pretty used to them, but now I was feeling the effect for days. Around this time I began finding it more and more difficult to work out, So i started slacking off. Somewhere in the middle of my exhaustion, I got a weird, I guess you can call it sickness that made things even worst. (DISCLAIMER! dont think this is me making excuses... just telling my story... I do not enjoy excuses) I developed a horrible pain in my face. I had thought it was coming from my tooth, however after a trip to the dentist and dental x rays, we discovered there was nothing wrong with my teeth. Still the pain continued. I was miserable. I went to my doctor and got antibiotics for a possible sinus infection, but weeks later and I still had pain. In the midst of this my activity level plummeted. I stopped moving, took copious ammounts of pain medication, in turn making my stomach feel horrible. One of my favorite activities is snow shoeing, I seriously love it, however, the minute the cold would hit my face I would be in agony. You should have seen my trying to get from my house to the car... I looked like a mummy! So snowshoeing was out of the question, even bundled up. I know I could have been active inside, treadmill, eliptical, or something else, but the level of exhaustion was overwhelming. There was one day at work, I was heading out to do a simple task, I sat in my car and cried because I was just so tired. This was not me at all. I was a mess. Somewhere in the middle of all this, I lost my desire to think about anything healthy. I craved sugar, carbs, sweets, saltly things, and anything that was super easy to prepare. I enoy preparing food. I love meal prep days for work. But some where along the line of being sick and tired, i just lost the drive. seriously, a mess. I felt like I didnt know myself anymore. So after explaining all that, I am not sure why I was shocked by the number on the scale. I dont normally weigh, but i do feel I need to keep track, and I have goals set for myself that do not include weight, but the surgeon who will hopefully perform my skin removal surgery wants a specific number, so I needed to check. So there was a gain.... ummmmmm I know im honest with you, but in being kind to myself and my journey, Im not going to say a number. And believe me, I know that the number does not define me. But it does have power to throw me off for a bit. Im trying to take the power that the scale has over me back. It means nothing, and if I wasnt aiming for something like the surgery, I would probably never weigh again (take that scales!!!) So here I am, trying to live a live a life that is healthy, balanced, and body positive, but yet that scale has a way of telling me things that are not true. So I ask, when does it all end. I thought it would end after surgery. I thought that would fix it... nope. Then I thought it would end when i started being active regularly, that would fix it... nope. I guess for me it dosn't end, its a cycle. Im never finished I guess. So I will keep on working at it. As long as there is struggle, keep fighting. Ive started moving agian, little by little, and I am going to leave you with a pic of me and Bill after our first run a couple of days ago. Notice if you will, the magenta colour of my face. I didn't realize my face had the ability to turn this colour... interesting!! At the end of the day, I just want to be me, and comfortble with me. Thanks for reading. I'll keep you posted. .

Its The Little Things

Sometimes in life the littlest things can make a rough day, week, moment, month, or year, seem just a little brighter. I feel that this blog has moved from my journey to lose weight, and on to my overall journey of health and acceptance of me. My food journey, my fitness journey, my health journey, both physical and mental. A part of my overall health journey was being sent for a mammogram today. For fairly obvious reasons... I guess if you find something you check it out, right. I have had this test before, many years ago. I remember it being an awkward, and uncomfortable experience. Today I went in fully expecting the same experience. I was met by a very nice lady who showed me the gown to put on, and gave me instructions.When I picked up the gown I noticed that it felt crispy and new. My many experiences with hospital gowns have been terrible. They never used to fit me. I remember pulling them on, embarrassed that they didn't fit, uncomfortable, mad, inevitably making the test 100 times worst. Its a feeling of disappointment in yourself for not fitting in the gown, and a disappointment in health care for not being accommodating to your very existence. A feeling of disappointment in life in general (thats my experience) Today I took that bright pink half gown wrap and put it on. No joke, this little gown was adorable! It wrapped around me comfortably, tied in a bow in the front like a cute little top. I walked into the mammogram room(does that room have a name? hmmm not sure) any way, I walked into that room feeling all cute! When I looked at myself in the change room mirror, I actually smiled. I'm kinda kicking myself now for not snapping a picture... sadly this will be a picture less blog post. (insert sad face) I mentioned to the lady doing the test that the gown was kind of adorable and she told me that they were fairly new. The test was horrible, uncomfortable, painful, squishy, and all around yucky, but imagine how much worst it would have been if I didn't walk in feeling all sorts of cute! Yup, its the little things. Do something little for someone today. You have no idea how it will make them feel. Thanks Western Health for that cute pink little moment! I have been writing blogs and not posting them lately... so there will be more to come soon. Have a wonderful day. Please don't forget how amazing you are!!

Oh It Is So Silly

Some days I make myself scratch my head. It's all just so silly. Take yesterday for instance, Its actually absurd when I think about it. I'm up, it's morning, I'm making myself a berry, protein, tofu, smoothie with kale or spinach. Later it's salmon and veggies for lunch. For supper I had chicken breast with steamed veggies and quinoa. Cue seven o'clock pm, my internal clock tells me its time to go on a massive hunt for anything sweet, snacky, sticky, gooey, salty or carby. (carby, definition = food jam packed with as many carbs as possible) I think that covers it all. I really wish I could understand my brain. I know how to eat. I know how to eat and be healthy. What I don't know is how to control my urges and compulsions to eat. For Christmas I told Bill I wanted no chocolate, chips, candy, or such in my stocking. so instead he got me, protein bars, protein chips, sugar free gummy bears, dehydrated fruit... you get the picture. He actually even went a little bit further, he bought me a dandy little blender with to go cups for my smoothies, and great little containers for meal prep. (which I am ALL about!! He knows me pretty well) OH!!! and he gave me this amazing piece of awesomeness (not health related) This amazing invention is a back pack carrier for your cat. Me and the kitties are going to be so on the go this summer. any way... back to the actual blog. So adamant!!! No unhealthy treats for me! But guess what I did, I ate allllllllll the treats! So I'm guessing I need my stomach and my brain to coordinate themselves and get their stuff together. I am so tired of the same old cycle I seem to be stuck in. It never ends. I honestly thought I would be over this by now. It's hard to be in a constant struggle of trying to start over. this picture describes my cycle. I want this mentality to be out of my life. I'm tired of continually starting over, waiting for monday, after christmas, after a function... I'm just tired of starting over. This cycle makes me claustrophobic. My anxiety manifests itself in dreams and I am dreaming these dreams continually lately. I'm sure my previous blogs have described some of these dreams. Reversing my standard car up a hill and continually stalling out, not being able to physically fit through tiny doors, crawling up a hill of sand and it always foundering as I try to climb. These are horrible dreams, and its the same feeling of not being able to Finnish the cycle I am at in my life. So I decided to google these types of dreams, and google is telling me they are called anxiety dreams. Good to know that it is actually a thing. According to google, not being able to complete a task in a dream is caused by dreamer anxiety. So this is my life. You probably don't know this but I am having a HUGE moment right now after googling my dream symptoms... and realizing conclusions I had made were right. MIND IS BLOWN! So I am guessing it may be time to take it a little easier on myself, which is like telling myself not to breathe today. Oh incidentally, when I'm in those anxiety ridden dreams I also cant breathe. So I will TRY to be easier on myself. I will also keep on working on me, were all works in progress I guess. You be easier on yourselves too... life is hard, life is tough, but we are tougher. You are amazing, believe it. Thanks for being on this journey with me, Im glad for the company.