Sunday, 17 August 2014

Setting Me Free

Well its time to write about another mile stone. Its funny sometimes when I sit and think about all of the things I held my self back from when I weighed a hundred and fifty pounds more than I do now. I was saying to Bill last night that last year I felt like a muted version of who I am now. I felt like the real Amanda was in there but she was being slowly buried by weight, and My true self was suffocated by my own insecurities. Yes, I have lost one hundred and fifty pounds, but am I at my goal, not by at least fifty or sixty more pounds. Am I happy with how I look, some times. Am I where I want to be, no. I say all this to bring up the actual purpose of this blog. I did something last night that I haven't done in at least twenty years. I rode the rides at the fair. I have been too scared to get on them before now thinking that the seat belts or bars wouldn't close on me. And I would be way too mortified to put myself through that embarrassment. But guess what, Thomas Amusements was at the Pepsi Center last night and my bff and her family were staying with us, so we decided to take a trip to the fair. You know how you have that one friend that you don't live close to any more but you are closer to than any one else, that friend that you laugh with no matter what, and the one that always has something encouraging to say even you are venting and crying, the only friend who knew you weighed almost four hundred pounds because you told her even though you didn't tell anyone... well that's my Carla. We were having our annual visit and the fair was here so we had to go. Last year I was also at the fair. I would shuffle from those metal benches and sit down and watch my boys having fun. Watching bill get on rides with them, trying to find a bench close to where they were so I wouldn't have to stand long. I had to sit because my legs and my back hurt so bad. I remember being so uncomfortable and sweating so bad that there was nothing enjoyable about the experience at all. The only good thing about it was seeing my boys happy and laughing. Did I want to be up and walking playing games and riding the rides... of course, but I physically couldn't. Back to this trip though... Well when we found our place to park at the Pepsi Center me and Micah ran... yes I said RAN to Carla's truck and then it all started. We went and bought our tickets (expensive!!) and got in line. I wasn't tired in line, I wasn't sweating, but I was nervous though that old thought kept creeping in,, what if the belt is too tight what if im too heavy. Guess what... I wasn't! The bars and belts fit just fine and I have to say I laughed harder and louder than I have in years. When me and Carla got on the scrambler the seats were really really high. So I had to pull myself in with one foot on the ride, I could never have done it last year, it was too much weight to pull. But I did it. And I have to say again, I laughed so hard my stomach is still hurting today. That sad Amanda that felt buried by weight, and felt that she was being buried alive is finally getting to breathe and be who she is. Im not saying that being overweight means you cant be who you are, Im still overweight (for now) but Im saying how I was feeling for the past years. Well I don't feel that way any more. So that's where I am right now. Ill leave you with a picture of the cutest little people. They had fun at the fair too!