Friday, 28 February 2014

Fixing Me... All Of Me

I know it wasn't that long ago that I posted, but I felt that I needed to post again. Counselling is probably the best thing I have ever done for myself. Its wonderful and eye opening, its making me actually think about my recovery. I get to read lots of information and actually do something about it. Im really learning why I do what I do, but most importantly Im learning how to control it. Am I cured? Far, far from it, however, I am more aware, and awareness can bring about great change. I have decided to take an holistic approach to my recovery/healing, holistic being defined as "relating to or concerned with complete systems rather than with individual parts". (websters online dictionary) So I plan to focus on my physical, emotional, and spiritual well being, not just my compulsive tendency to eat. I have been an emotional eater all of my life. I eat to deal with whether I am sad, happy, depressed, desperate, vulnerable, you name an emotion and it causes me to eat. When I eat I stuff down the emotion and I never truly deal with it or even feel it. Food numbs it. How unhealthy is that!! Not all emotions are bad, but im eating and numbing out the good ones too because my emotional eating dictates how I feel and eating always makes me feel one thing... bad. Let me explain to you the cycle of my life. I feel bad, so I eat, I then feel good for a quick moment while im eating, then I feel bad for eating and losing control so I beat myself up emotionally, this makes me feel bad, then I eat to numb that, but when im finished I feel bed again... can you see a pattern developing? Its my terrible cycle. In my life I talk about cycles a lot, the cycle of abuse and violence. This is my cycle of abuse. I do not say this lightly, because this is a topic I have very passionate feelings about, but in this cycle I am abusing myself, and I have been for a very long time. Id never let someone else hurt me or hold this power over me, but I have yet to stop my own self. This was my epiphany for the week, I have given all of my power to food, and its time for me to take my power back. I was encouraged to write a list of accomplishments, document how far I have come, so here is my list -I can walk 5k as opposed to five houses -walked a trail and my children couldn't keep up with me, when i turned around at one point this is what I found -bought two regular sized shirts in a regular store (two of them for under twenty dollars... what???) -can cross my legs -can sit in chairs with arms... with lots of room -can go to movies comfortably -decided to take part in zumbathon (again... WHAT???) -tried yoga for the first time (my own version of yoga where I meditate with prayer) -took small second job because I have tones of energy (a one month cleaning job) So things are changing. I still eat emotionally and maybe I always will have a tendency to do that, but at least I am aware of it, and as I said earlier, awareness births change. Thought I would share a pic of me today, notice Im wearing horizontal stripes again! (oh yeah and I dont think you can see it in this pic but I have collar bones!!)

3 comments:

  1. Amanda... you are looking so great and doing such a great job. I am proud of the choices and chances you are taking. You are stronger than you think. For me, my way of dealing with any sort of stress or emotion is just crying. I seem to never be able to stop. It's funny how our bodies work. Praying for you on this journey!

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