Friday, 14 February 2014

100 pounds down!!!

So since the last time I posted I have reached a huge milestone in my journey. I have lost one hundred pounds since july. I have actually lost one hundred and two now since july 19th. If I were to count from the beginning of my journey I have lost 123 pounds. There are days when I feel very accomplished and proud of where I have come, but that old Amanda is still in there. The Amanda that is never satisfied with herself and tends to punish herself mercilessly for the way that she works. I can only eat small portions (about a cup full some days, and others not that much) but I still have the same compulsions to pick and over eat. I wonder sometimes if that will ever go away. I have started counselling to help me through the fact that my problem isn't simply over eating. I have an eating disorder and have had one for as long as I can remember. I have never had a healthy relationship with food in my life. I have been reading a book recomended by my counsellor called "life without ed", ed being an eating disorder. I have come along the full spectrum when it comes to eating disorders, whether it be obsessively controlling every mouthful that goes inot my mouth to compulsivly eating and not being able to stop. I have come to realise that one of the hardest things to say when you are overweight is that you have an eating disorder. I always think people will laugh if I said that, but without a doubt the way I eat, and think about food is not normal. But i'm becoming more aware of how it is affecting me and how it has affected me. I cant stress enough that the surgery is simply a tool and it dosn't change the core of who you are. I am still that person with the eating disorder, I simply have a smaller stomach. I have to work on the main problem with my eating and use the surgery to help me lose weight. I have been trying to be very honest throughout this process, it keeps me accountable. I know there are others who sturggle with this too and I know that maybe reading my story may be some help. I found out this week that binge eating has been officially listed as an eating disorder, I wish I had known this earlier in my life. So I have lost a hundred pounds, but more than this I have gained some more insight into the bigger issue that lurks under the surface and that has always lurked under the surface. So I will keep you posted throughout the journey, but I know that the journey is not only about weight loss, its about self acceptance, self understanding, self realization, and a whole lot of hard work. Thanks again for reading, I hope some little tid bid helps you along your journey to self acceptance. Ill leave you with a before and after pic, hope you like it!

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