Fixing Me... All Of Me

I know it wasn't that long ago that I posted, but I felt that I needed to post again. Counselling is probably the best thing I have ever done for myself. Its wonderful and eye opening, its making me actually think about my recovery. I get to read lots of information and actually do something about it. Im really learning why I do what I do, but most importantly Im learning how to control it. Am I cured? Far, far from it, however, I am more aware, and awareness can bring about great change. I have decided to take an holistic approach to my recovery/healing, holistic being defined as "relating to or concerned with complete systems rather than with individual parts". (websters online dictionary) So I plan to focus on my physical, emotional, and spiritual well being, not just my compulsive tendency to eat. I have been an emotional eater all of my life. I eat to deal with whether I am sad, happy, depressed, desperate, vulnerable, you name an emotion and it causes me to eat. When I eat I stuff down the emotion and I never truly deal with it or even feel it. Food numbs it. How unhealthy is that!! Not all emotions are bad, but im eating and numbing out the good ones too because my emotional eating dictates how I feel and eating always makes me feel one thing... bad. Let me explain to you the cycle of my life. I feel bad, so I eat, I then feel good for a quick moment while im eating, then I feel bad for eating and losing control so I beat myself up emotionally, this makes me feel bad, then I eat to numb that, but when im finished I feel bed again... can you see a pattern developing? Its my terrible cycle. In my life I talk about cycles a lot, the cycle of abuse and violence. This is my cycle of abuse. I do not say this lightly, because this is a topic I have very passionate feelings about, but in this cycle I am abusing myself, and I have been for a very long time. Id never let someone else hurt me or hold this power over me, but I have yet to stop my own self. This was my epiphany for the week, I have given all of my power to food, and its time for me to take my power back. I was encouraged to write a list of accomplishments, document how far I have come, so here is my list -I can walk 5k as opposed to five houses -walked a trail and my children couldn't keep up with me, when i turned around at one point this is what I found -bought two regular sized shirts in a regular store (two of them for under twenty dollars... what???) -can cross my legs -can sit in chairs with arms... with lots of room -can go to movies comfortably -decided to take part in zumbathon (again... WHAT???) -tried yoga for the first time (my own version of yoga where I meditate with prayer) -took small second job because I have tones of energy (a one month cleaning job) So things are changing. I still eat emotionally and maybe I always will have a tendency to do that, but at least I am aware of it, and as I said earlier, awareness births change. Thought I would share a pic of me today, notice Im wearing horizontal stripes again! (oh yeah and I dont think you can see it in this pic but I have collar bones!!)

100 pounds down!!!

So since the last time I posted I have reached a huge milestone in my journey. I have lost one hundred pounds since july. I have actually lost one hundred and two now since july 19th. If I were to count from the beginning of my journey I have lost 123 pounds. There are days when I feel very accomplished and proud of where I have come, but that old Amanda is still in there. The Amanda that is never satisfied with herself and tends to punish herself mercilessly for the way that she works. I can only eat small portions (about a cup full some days, and others not that much) but I still have the same compulsions to pick and over eat. I wonder sometimes if that will ever go away. I have started counselling to help me through the fact that my problem isn't simply over eating. I have an eating disorder and have had one for as long as I can remember. I have never had a healthy relationship with food in my life. I have been reading a book recomended by my counsellor called "life without ed", ed being an eating disorder. I have come along the full spectrum when it comes to eating disorders, whether it be obsessively controlling every mouthful that goes inot my mouth to compulsivly eating and not being able to stop. I have come to realise that one of the hardest things to say when you are overweight is that you have an eating disorder. I always think people will laugh if I said that, but without a doubt the way I eat, and think about food is not normal. But i'm becoming more aware of how it is affecting me and how it has affected me. I cant stress enough that the surgery is simply a tool and it dosn't change the core of who you are. I am still that person with the eating disorder, I simply have a smaller stomach. I have to work on the main problem with my eating and use the surgery to help me lose weight. I have been trying to be very honest throughout this process, it keeps me accountable. I know there are others who sturggle with this too and I know that maybe reading my story may be some help. I found out this week that binge eating has been officially listed as an eating disorder, I wish I had known this earlier in my life. So I have lost a hundred pounds, but more than this I have gained some more insight into the bigger issue that lurks under the surface and that has always lurked under the surface. So I will keep you posted throughout the journey, but I know that the journey is not only about weight loss, its about self acceptance, self understanding, self realization, and a whole lot of hard work. Thanks again for reading, I hope some little tid bid helps you along your journey to self acceptance. Ill leave you with a before and after pic, hope you like it!