The Birthday Pity Party!

Happy birthday to me. Today I'm 36. At thirty six years old I can boast and say that I have a wonderful family, cool job, nice car, nice apartment/house, the most gorgeous children you could have ever imagined, an education, sweetest husband that loves me no matter what I am, amazing friends, the coolest as well as beautiful nieces and nephews, wonderful parents, a lovely little kitten that I adore... so many things to be so thankful for and I woke up thinking "I cant even eat on my birthday... what a horrible day, poor me!" (imagine me with my bottom lip stuck out) The liquid diet has been grueling for me, and I'm only on my fifth day. I'm hungry, have a headache, I'm cranky, and I am ashamed to admit what i would do for one potato chip! What I am surprised to find about myself on this liquid diet is that I am so emotional. I feel almost lonely. Is food that important to me that I miss it like a friend. I guess it turns out food is my oldest friend. One that I both love and hate. I'm feeling quite isolated and sad. I wish I could explain what it feels like but I cant quite put my finger on what emotion it is other than lonely. I'm trying honestly to explain what this part of the process is like for me, it has not been easy, but its for the bigger reward and that is what I cant seem to keep in the forefront of my mind. The thought of eating another bowl of soup makes me want to vomit. (hope i don't gross you out) My stomach rolls every time I think about eating something now...actually correction, my stomach rolls when I think about eating something i'm supposed to be eating, i could easily devour a hot dog or hamburger, or a salad even! In my mind I know that this is something very important that I am doing for myself and that if I cheat or quit I am sabotaging myself in a major way... but the impulsive wanna eat and chew is overpowering. I have spoken to some people who have gone through the same diet and found it a breeze. So what is wrong with me then? I thought this would be a breeze for me as well. I can do a fifty day detox of sugar and processed foods no problem because its in the short term. This is short term as well but its really getting to me. well this is a depressing blog! but its honest. Ill update you further as i go along. This is where i am in the process to date. oh and I started this blog yesterday so its no longer my birthday. And on a positive note (finally!!!!!) I have lost nine pounds in five days.

The Power Of The Mind!!!

I have never realized how powerful suggestive thinking could be. I am obviously very susceptible to the power of my own mind! As i told you in my previous blog i was invited to the orientation for my weight loss surgery. Along with this there are several things I had to do. My sleep study to see if i have sleep apnea, blood work, clinical appointment and a two week liquid diet trial. Now I have to admit I fully believed i had sleep apnea, so i went to the respiratory therapy specialist, got the equipment, hooked myself up like robo cop and went to sleep. The therapist told me I needed four hours of solid sleep spanning over about six to eight hours. The first thing I do upon going to bed is kick my snoring husband out of the room... just cant handle it. Knowing I needed four hours of continual sleep was playing on my mind so of course I could not sleep. I felt like I looked at the clock every fifteen minutes getting frustrated with myself more and more by the second. When I finally got up in the morning I told myself that i did not get four hours and of course I would have to do the test over. The funny thing is when the respiratory specialist called she told me I had a good reading and she was able to read the test just fine. So apparently I did sleep... strange. Ok so i thought I didn't sleep and i did, but i am sure that i have sleep apnea. Sleep apnea is a condition in which people stop breathing in their sleep, and overweight people are very prone to it. People that have it are rarely aware that they have it, but there are some tell tale signs that the condition is present. Those signs are Waking up with a dry mouth or sore throat, Morning headaches,Restless or fitful sleep,Insomnia or nighttime awakenings,Going to the bathroom frequently during the night,Waking up feeling out of breath,Forgetfulness and difficulty concentrating, Moodiness, or irritability. I had all of these things after my sleep study. I kept having these weird dreams that felt like i was trying to accomplish something but was never able to, an example of this is I spent one night trying to back my standard up a really steep hill in a hurry but kept stalling out. (Other dreams including my most chronic life long dream of trying to get out of little tiny little doors but not being able too. that has nothing to do with my weight issues at all, *sarcasm*) Also when i was talking to the specialist I felt that I could hear in her tone that the test didn't go well. Yes i am psychic too. So I got the call yesterday from the barriatric team that I was waiting for, the call to discuss my sleep study, which came back normal! So apparently there are levels of sleep apnea and mine is practically non existent and most likely does not need treatment at all. So I wonder where all those symptoms were coming from. Yeah, the mind is a powerful thing indeed. So now I am moving on to my next thing, I have started counselling to deal with some of the emotions connected with my eating. I don't eat because I'm especially hungry I eat for a number of reasons happiness, sadness, boredom, frustration, stress and the list goes on and on. I don't want to fail this time so I'm being proactive and trying to dig into some of the issues associated with this addiction in my life. The last thing I want to do is fail OR transfer my addiction to something else. I need to be head healthy in this process as well. I thought long and hard about whether i would share this part of the journey but hey its a part of hte journey so here is where my honesty and accountability come in. I have to say I found it very daunting walking in the door to the mental health building, thinking all the while what if someone sees me. Well what if someone sees me, I am doing this for me and my emotions need treatment as well, because something got me to the place i am today. in two weeks i begin my liquid diet, and i will be on it for two weeks (right through my birthday) so im sure you will be hearing i am sure you will hear from again as i let you know how the process of my two week liquid diet is going (ahhhhhhhh!!!) so that's where i am right now, ill keep you posted. Oh i almost forgot we have a new little member of our family, her name is sally and we are all head over heals in love with her, isnt she darling!!!