And so the journey continues. Its been a while since I updated... not quite sure why, maybe because for the past little while I had been anxious for a change that my body was just not ready to give me yet. I have been busy since my last update. I have gotten really serious about my food intake and my exercise and generally wanting to become a overall healthier version of myself. I can honestly say that I cant remember the last time I had a bad eating phase. I have been following a pretty strict food plan, stricter than I have ever been on (and have followed without cheating) and I have been working out six days a week, (barring any night shifts... they seem to throw me off) I have started taking swimming lessons and also started yoga. I want to be a better me. Lots of things happening, but still not a huge weight loss. I have stopped weighing all together because it is not conducive to my mental health!! I get angry, depressed and then angry again, I don't need the negativity the weight scales bring into my life. So to sum things up working out, eating right, trying to be healthier... Im on a good path. I feel good and for the most part feel good about myself, however, I still get infuriated with the bottom part of my stomach. I noticed after my last blog that people were saying I was being negative. I got several messages from people saying I was being very hard on myself. I agree, I am hard on myself, too hard lots of times. I'm not only hard on Amanda, I have been hard on a body that has been through a whole lot. I get infuriated with my body on a daily basis. I look in the mirror and see the bottom portion of my stomach and get so mad i feel physically sick. I have not been patient with my body. I weighed a couple weeks ago and had only lost two pounds and had a full on pity party and two year old temper tantrum... and that's not even the day when i gained a pound. I haven't been very patient with myself, my body or this process. I allowed someone to take out a portion of my stomach and then sew me back up, I was overweight my whole life and then took away my bodies ability to over eat, I emotionally ate my whole life and have severely limited my bodies ability to do that (i wont say i took that away, i really wish i could have.) Its been through a lot, not to mention giving birth to two children, one ten pounder with a head like a twenty dollar cabbage! And of course I cant forget to mention making it carry around four hundred pounds for years. It had a lot to deal with..When i think about my life two years ago compared to now its very very different, in lots of ways. I have so much more confidence and I feel so much better! I spend money on things to improve my life and not junk food and take out. I have thought about adding up the amount of money that i spent on junk food weekly... but im kind of scared to see the number. I need to realize the process i put my body through is taking a little longer for me. The july date is still looming over my head (july being when the plastic surgeon will see me again about the removal of slack skin on the bottom portion of my stomach, ughhhh) he wanted me to have fifty pounds gone and my body is just not there yet. So im going to try and honor my body a little. I decided to be unhealthy for thirty five years, and im expecting to be perfect now, well it took me a very long time to make my body the shape it was so im going to try and be a little forgiving of it being slow to shed this last fifty pounds... (it better be just fifty pounds... plastic surgeon im talking to you!!) I go to the gym now...thats new! It hasn't been easy for me. Funny thing is if I go with my trainer (who is fantastic, and obviously has the patience of job) I dont care how many people are there, go by myself and if one other person is there I have a panic attack... yeah gyms are intimidating. I had started going before daylight as soon as it opened when I was feeling super dedicated but I like sleeping and hitting my snooze button, a lot.(and we have an amazing gym, id love it if I wasn't forever looking around to see who was looking at me!) I suppose thats only normal too... when you spend thirty plus years avoiding a place you cant expect to go in and feel completely comfortable. I think back to my poor gym teacher, he seriously heard every excuse in the book from me, I avoided it even back then, I spent more classes on the stage watching than participating, and if i did participate i would get "injured" and have to go sit on the stage again. So here I am, working out... sweating... oh my goodness the sweat, oh here!! I have a gallery of my post workout sweaty selfies for your viewing pleasure... YOUR WELCOME!!! Its been a long road, but I wouldn't change a thing! Im doing well and have an excellent support system. Ill keep trudging on, and ill keep you posted.

Trudging On!

I have been giving myself a bit of a hard time lately. I am currently around fifty pounds away from a surgery to remove some slack skin that is absolutely making me miserable. The slack skin on the bottom portion of my stomach makes me miserable every day of my life. Getting dressed is a frustrating occurrence every morning and if I happen to see it in my clothes out of the corner of my eye in a mirror somewhere I get get really really angry at myself. The surgery I am hoping to get is called an panniculectomy. I have met with the plastic surgeon and he has given me a weight loss point to work towards before I can have the surgery. Last fifty pounds... brutal!!! I have been working hard and eating right (most of the time) and it seems my body wants to stay at this weight!! (even my body is stubborn). Also I have been comparing again, I have been googling how much people lose after surgery and seeing how fabulous and SKINNY people have gotten. I really feel that I should be skinny now and I am far from there and its annoying me! So I keep reminding myself how much more I weighed than a lot of people I follow that had the surgery (I follow and am in contact with a bunch of people who had the surgery that I connected with through this blog and Instagram),and its very difficult not to be jealous. I also keep reminding myself how that I have lost one hundred and seventy pounds and not to let that drift to the back of my mind like it does most days. My old life is quite different than the life I am living now. I went out on a date with three men this week (two different dates) the first one with the sweetest boys and the second with my love. Mine and Bills dates usually consisted of going out to eat, or going to a movie where I would eat copious amounts of popcorn and snacks, but there is no doubt that it involved eating a lot of food. We decided to go out this week and tossed around our regular ideas and finally decided to go night time snow shoeing... and it was fabulous. (both dates) The old Amanda could never, and would never have done that. It wouldn't have even been on my radar. I like my new life, I like that my clothes fit me better, and I like that the worst part of my walk tonight was the fact that the snow pants I wore last week that fit me fine were falling off me tonight. Some things are changing... may not be registering on the scales but things are changing. I took the advice of my trainer and got bill to hide my weight scales and have stopped the weighing obsession. This made things a little better. So I am working out almost every day (almost), seeing a trainer once a week who really challenges me in things I think I am not capable of doing... I came back from meeting with her one week and walked through the door and looked at bill and said "im skinny now arent I?!?" to which he replied "I dont know how to answer that question" and I took that as his answer! So that's where I am now, Im STILL fifty pounds from my goal, but my clothes are looser and people are telling me they see a difference in me again! (yay) So im not where I wanted to be at this point, but im still working on it, ill keep you posted!!