I Got My Letter...

So I went to the mail this week and found the most exciting thing in my mail box, a letter from eastern health telling me that I was invited to the general orientation for weight loss surgery. IM SO EXCITED!! I had an idea that it would be coming soon, but it still didn't change how shocked I was to actually receive the letter. This marks a new turn in my journey, one to a healthier me. What I wasn't expecting when I got the letter was fear. Id go to bed at night thinking of all the things that could go wrong. One night while lying in bed I actually started to cry (silently) fearing that I may be the one to have that major complication that could take me away from my family, however, even with this fear its something that I have to do. Its time for me to be honest again. something happened to me the other day that has never happened to me before... its somewhat embarrassing but it happened to me, so the new "honest about weight amanda" is going to share. I was cleaning my porch and bent down to pick up one of the many pairs of unmatched mitts on my floor (actually, there is only one of every mitten or glove, the matching one like all the pairs to my odd socks never seem to appear. This leading to my oldest son wearing one grey and one black mtitten to school last week... but im going to shake that shame off and go on with my story) While bending down my knee made a funny sound and went backward sort of locking in place. I couldn't get it to work right or bend until I actually fell down. finally I got it to move in the right direction, there was no pain but there was a realization that this happened because my body is too heavy for my knee. It couldn't work right under my weight so it stopped working. simple as that. I say this surgery is something that I have to do. I want to be a better Mom. I want to play with my kids and keep up with them at a better level. I don't want them to be embarrassed of me. So am I getting it for them... no, because I can still be their Mom, just a tired one. I want to be a better wife. I don't want to be self concious of my appearance every time I step out... so therefore we don't go out a lot. do I want to see how horrible it is for him to see how much I dislike myself, no. I love my husband, probably the most supportive person I could have ever found. Am I doing this for him, no. I can still be a wife at my weight, a self concious one but im doing it. Im going through with the surgery for me. I have watched thirty five years pass by, all the while thinking if I were thin this would feel better. If I were thin id enjoy this better. Ill do that when I lose one hundred pounds. That's crazy. So my new concious goal is to really live in the now. I know I have said that before but its a daily thought process. From the age of nine till thirty three I never owned a swim suit, now i own three. And I enjoy every minute in them. Life passes too fast to be waiting for something for thirty five years. Im tired of waiting, and that's how I know that I am doing this surgery for me. I still worry about complications. My biggest fear is a blood clot. That is the fear that keeps me awake at night. But i have to weigh the pros and the cons... if my knee gives out at thirty five, what's to follow? is my heart next? Is my liver next? I want to prevent all the things That are looming around the corner for me at this weight. Its time for a change and thankfully that change is starting. Im not sure of the process form here on out but you will know when i do. oh and by the way I bought the shirt with horizontal stripes. I had mentioned in one of my past blogs about my teacher that made me point out in front of my class why horizontal stripes were a bad idea for me. Well im thinking that now they are a good idea for me!(not the greatest picture but at least you can get the gist) I hope this blog made sense... if not blame it on my lack of sleep due to the night shifts i am working!