YOU EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS??

We had a great Victoria day weekend. I had a few days off just to veg and catch up on house work and netflix! It was so relaxing. I enjoyed every moment of my down time. AHHHHHHHHH!! *contented sigh* My mom was spending a few nights in her apartment(their apartment is joined to our house) and she had some laundry to do. While she was doing laundry a pair of my old pants got thrown in the mix (my pre surgery pants). When she pulled out these pants and held them up to fold them I had a moment, It was a moment of shock. Did I actually wear those pants... did my body actually fill out those huge pants. At first I was mortified, but then I decided to look at it in a new perspective. I took the pants and decided to put them on, i fit my whole body in one leg!! Then i called my thirteen year old son to come and put on the other side... and he fit!!!

two of us could fit into the pants that I remember having to pull on, and on some times wrestle on. If they just came out of the dryer it was a bad day for me and I sometimes couldn't even wear them. It wasn't mortifying, IT WAS SO LIBERATING!!! There were days when those pants were the only pants that fit me and even then they didn't fit me well... and now I could fit into one leg. It turned out to be the best moment ever. Since my surgery I seem to be buying a lot of clothes for myself. It came to me that each new season that rolls around I need more and more clothes, because the previous season is too warm or not warm enough and i have lost too much weight to wear the season before!! (don't know if that made sense to read but basically I don't have clothes that fit me.) I thought Id share this moment with you. I'm still working on it. I have had a few set backs and mishaps along the way, that will soon probably be the topic of a new blog, but I am thankful for a great personal trainer that is keeping me focused, (not an easy task at times) and a great support system around me in my family and friends. Hope you enjoyed my moment of the day... ill keep you posted on any more!

My Body Shapewear Dilema!!!

Since having my surgery one thing I can not leave my house without wearing is body shape wear. For any of you who do not know what this is you are soooooo lucky and you don't even realize it!! Shape wear is a spandexy (I just made that word up) type material designed to suck you in and lift you up in places where things have fallen. This is my own definition and I feel it describes it well, Im thinking I should copyright that! Believe me, wearing it sucks!!! The first thing I do as I enter my house at the end of the day is take off the restraints that have imprisoned me all day and finally take a deep breath. I remember my grandmother talking about girdles when I was a little girl but other than the odd reference I never gave much thought to the situation... until now that is, now I am dependant on them. Along with shape wear comes a problem, the problem of it rolling down in the back. My shape wear goes from my chest to the middle of my thighs, it is seriously a spandex suit of armour. My main issue is that it rolls down in the back. The back rolling frustrates me to no end, because it creates a new body part, a body part that I have named BACK BOOBIES. Back Boobies happen when the shape wear rolls down and the fat or slack skin that had been held in escapes and hangs out over. I do not... and I can not emphasise this enough... I do not like back boobies! I feel it is very un lady like to be pulling up my slipping and rolling shape wear all the time but I have no choice. *note* it makes a snapping sound! Some times if Bill is around and no one is looking, I make him pull it up because he is stronger and can get a better grip. He almost lifted me off the floor one day. (TMI!) Bless him, he puts up with a lot. I have a friend who informed me that you can find them online that actually hook into your bra. GENIOUS! But you see... I also have a problem with procrastination. One day I had a serious light bulb moment. It was like an epiphany! I really don't need to spend sixty eight dollars on shape wear that hooks into my bra when a pack of fifty safety pins costs less than two dollars. You can see where this is going cant you. So for a couple of weeks, this was awesome. I was walking around back boobieless with myself all pinned and tucked in. It was great! Id pin myself in in the morning... or get Bill to do it for me if he was around (he really does have a lot to deal with) and when I needed to unpin id just reach back and unpin them. really it was no different than reaching back to unpin a bra, and I have been doing that all my life. I was feeling pretty smug, until one day... I was at work and out around town doing my thing when I had an unbelievable need to pee. This does not happen to me often. Since my surgery I can go long periods of time without needing to pee... probably because my fluid intake is not what it should be at times, but im kind of like a camel and can go very long stretches. (I really don't know how often camels pee) On this particular day I must have over did it on the coffee because I could not wait! I pulled into the milbrook mall which is a big deal in itself because I absolutely hate public washrooms. I managed to make it to the washroom and get in there, then I tried to reach back and unclip the safely pins, however they would not unclip. PANIC!!!! I was literally fused into this armour of spandex and could not get out of it. The pins had bent and warped and would not give or budge. DILEMA!!! I had to slither out of all my garments like a snake shedding a spandex skin. It was horrible. So this is what comes with shape wear. Rolling, tugging, snapping, pulling, and in some cases getting stuck in it! Fun stuff. Feel free to share any of your own fun shape wear experiences. Im going to leave you with a video of me and my boys while we were stuck killing time on the side of a highway waiting for the weather to clear from a snow storm. (it was sunny when we left) We figured while we had time to kill we might as well enjoy it. HAPPY EASTER FROM US https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmZpPgkLtN0 couldn't quite figure out how to add the video so I just posted the link

Some Not So Fun Side Effects

Warning... this post may be gross... so feel free to stop reading at this or any point!!! Not all of the results going on in my life post op are great at the moment. I am going to tell you some of the yucky side effects, well not really side effects but one of the yucky things going on right now. For the past couple of months I have been awakened from my sleep by an intense feeling of nausea, almost like when you wake up in the middle of the night with the stomach flu. I end up spending an hour or so throwing up and then feel perfectly fine. Some nights have been worst than others, and normally I have been asleep. One night I was awake and at work and I almost never made it to our staff washroom, but always its after four am and it follows the same pattern. My mouth fills with water, and I have to run to the washroom where I have forty minutes of throwing up nothing only this yucky yellow stuff. (I warned you... gross stuff) Its been rough!! I talked to the bariatric team about this and one thing which I thought was really cool was, she looked back at the pathology of my old thrown out stomach (or at least I assume they throw it out!!!) and she could tell that there were changes or abnormal sections post op that could potentially have been past stomach ulcers. My doctor has recently, within the past month, cut back my acid reflux medication because I was on quite a high dose, due to the fact that I am pretty sure I could breathe fire if pushed too far! NEW SUPER P0WER!! So the team told me to double up these meds again and take them at night, makes sense, didn't work! I spent last night throwing up... again this nasty yellow stuff. Well the effects of that has led to this... All the pressure on my face has caused these little spots to appear, and make me look ridiculous, and contagious!! The team has told me that if it does not stop I will need to have a scope, or have the light put down my throat into my stomach, NOOOOOOOOO!!! Years ago I had this done and believe me I was not gracious about it. At one point I remember grabbing the doctor`s arm!! So it looks like that is what I am headed towards - that light down my throat- and that camera is NOT small. GHAAAAAA! You can be sure I will keep you updated, and if possible provide pictures to document...that is if I can sneak some. (if im aloud, not sure how that works) So... any of my WLS peeps been through this???? Id love to have some feed back, or some advice. Until next time :)

My Comparison Problem

So I have this problem. I like to compare things, especially myself to other people! Since having this surgery, instagram, twitter, facebook, and youtube has helped met connect with several people post op and pre op who are on a similar journey as me. Its funny, Im friends with people in Newfoundland, The united States, Austrailia, and England, friends that I have never met, our one thing we have in common is that we all have had or are having weight loss surgery. Its so cool, and I feel like we are one big family. This is so great and I love it. Its support, friendship, I have mentors, and am a mentor, but also in my mind it is the opportunity to compare. Some people have done some amazing things with their body since having this surgery. I have seen mind blowing transformations. I see men and women reaching ideal body weights, looking fabulous and seriously blowing my mind! One thing i have to realize is that all of us, this huge family of wls peeps, start from a different place. I started on my journey at 398 pounds. This weight was my starting point. This is probably not the same place that a lot of my friends started from. There were people who were heavier and lighter and I cant at 400 pounds compare myself to someone who started at 300 or 250 pounds. And someone who started at 600 pounds cant compare themselves to someone who started at 398. This process is so individual. My story and everyone elses stories are unique. As far as stories go, mine is no where near being finished. Im still working on that last sixty pounds so I can have my slack skin removed and finally lift what has fallen! I cant wait for that day because believe me, that issue brings being uncomfortable to a whole other level. (but im beyond terrified about the surgery and recovery time... but another blog!) Maybe someday I will do a blog about that issue and discuss how it affects me, how yucky it is, how far it hangs (ewwwwwww!!) Feel free not to read this one if you are squeamish, I totally understand. (I may not even read it myself) and I promise, no pictures!! ... yet I still have to be thankful for this surgery, my confidence level has skyrocketed and I can actually move now without getting winded... and BIG ANNOUNCEMENT flew to st johns and had to tighten the seat belt!!!!!!! The days of being terrified if the seat belt would fit are behind me. Yayyy Im thankful, I feel good, but I still have miles to go.

Hello all my lovely followers. Im here writing again, thinking about my progress and the path that I am on, and have been on for the past few years. The other day me and my Billy were talking (we do that a lot) and he mentioned how many times I would be crying and saying that my surgery was never going to come. I had forgotten about that, but he was right, I spent an unbelievable ammount of time whining (no actually sobbing) about the fact that I was waiting and waiting, and it was never going to get here. Well folks it looks like im waiting again! I asked the bariatric team to refer me for the slack skin surgery. It looks like i may have an eight month wait to be able to see them, but this is perfect because I still have weight to lose before they will consider me and they prefer that you be two years post op before they will do the procedure. I will be two years post op in august... eeekkk... exciting... terrifying! The thought of another surgery scares me. I said when i was in my recovery from the last one that I would never consider having surgery again even if my slack skin was dragging behind me as i walked (your welcome... I know you are thanking me for that image!) I have been struggling with the slack skin issue lately. Not medically, no infections or anything like that, but its getting on my last nerve! I can wear cute little tops and I feel really confidant when I look in the mirror, But then I look down below my waist and its like BAM there it is!! Don't get me wrong, im not fixating on this like I used to fixate on my weight, its far from that. When I looked in the mirror at four hundred pounds I felt despair and self loathe, now when I notice that things are kinda not in the right proportion im just really annoyed. I haven't felt that desperate feeling about my looks in a long time, now im just sort of going with it, what ever it is it is... bald spots and all!! I have been re reading a book that was suggested to me throughout my counselling, "life without ed". It has taken me quite a long time to read and work my way through it. At different points in my journey I feel I need to read and learn, and then there are times that I just want to live and not think about the process, so it has taken me a while. One of the suggestions for today was to develop a model of a healthy relationship with food.. so that's what I did. I developed a model of what i wanted food to look like for me. On the other side they wanted you to develop also a list of problems you had with food, so I did that as well. It kind of looks like this, I noticed that my problems with food list isnt really that long or intimidating. Things dont seem quite as daunting as they did before. I have to lose sixty more pounds before I can be considered for surgery again, but sixty compared to the one hundred sixty dosn't seem that big of a deal. I have met with a personal trainer who is helping me develop a plan of action, (she is amazing and Im excited to start!). I am enjoying this book and have been adapting it to fit my life, its written from the viewpoint of someone who has anorexia, but I have been learning that disordered eating is disordered eating. It follows a similar pattern. If you would like to find the book for yourself Jenni Schafer has a website that you can order from, as well as lots of other interesting things www.jennischaefer.com. She is also a singer who has released an album. She has a song titled "its ok to be happy" sounded very familiar to my life and my story. I know its late for a transformation tuesday pic but I found this the other day and it always shocks me when I see an old pic that I haven't seen in a while... so here it is another transformation pic I will keep you posted in my process and continue to be honest along the way.

Just some thoughts...

Hello all you beautiful people who read my blog. Im so thankful for each and every one of you, for my last post there were eight hundred views, thats amazing!! It hasn't been such a long time since I have written but I thought now was as good a time as any to update you some things. I have encountered one of the dreaded side effects of this surgery, but as with most things in my life and timeline I am encountering it quite late in the process... HAIRLOSS!!! Along the way I have had some thinning going on here and there and my amazing hair dresser has suggested a wonderful product. Redken Intrafoce (for any of you dealing with the same dilema) but like with everything else in my life I slacked off using it, mainly becuase of cost, and havent used it in a few months. My hair was doing well and I was getting my protien and fluids all in so all was ok. Well this morning I got up and this had happened A BALD SPOT!! I have been out of surgery for over a year and now is the time my hair decides to turn against me and fall out... all in one spot! I really think its still able to be camouflaged yet. I never really noticed it until i straightened it. I have been wearing it curly for a while because it gives the illusion of fullness, and also I can get away with out washing it if I curl it in the morning! So if you see me with curly hair chances are it could very well be dirty too... just kidding, I was washing it way too much which was not helping with the thinning process. So here I am with a bald spot, but guess what I am not doing, I am not stressing about it. Its only hair. Im feeling amazing and energetic and on top of the world and im not letting a little bald spot get to me (i said little though... if it gets any bigger me and my hair are going to have a problem!). I had a moment id like to share with you all, for a moment I thought I would keep it to myself but I think it puts some things into perspective so I will share it with you. I was at work one afternoon and pulled up my laptop screen while it was turned off, and the screen was black, because of this I could clearly see my reflection. For a second I thought "I look pretty today" that was a monumental moment, I have never uttered those words to myself in my life time, and certainly never when I was having a bald spot day. Things have changed for the better. I still get frustrated with some things (slack skin) but thats for a whole other blog, but on the whole my life looks so much better than it did before. I did make another huge discovery recently when I started feeling a feeling of anxiety that I had never felt before, I have lost my life long coping mechanism now so my ability to handle stress has changed I I felt a physical reaction to stress the other day and I think its because I had always numbed my stress before, eating copious amounts of food was my coping mechanism but that is gone now. I recognized that and I can deal with it now that I know its there. I would like to wish you all a very merry chirstmas. Everyone who reads my story is going through this process with me in some form, and I thank you all. If you are reading because you know me, love me, found me on twitter or instagram, or out of pure curiosity, you are all going through it with me. So merry christmas to you all!! Ill leave you with a the Christmas pics of our little men who are having are the sweetest things ever. I know their faces would make my Christmas so ill share them with you!! I hope you have a wonderful Christmas season. From my family to yours!! oh and we cant forget these two

My Official One Year

So I met with my team yesterday for my one year follow up appointment, actually its four months late because I have had to keep rescheduling it. It went really well. Im pleased at how pleased they were. I do feel somewhat disappointed in a few things though. let me explain, I have lost one hundred and thirty two pounds since the day of my surgery. I have lost one hundred and forty six since two weeks before my surgery. I have lost one hundred and sixty six pounds since before my referral. Its amazing and when I write it I cant hardly believe it, but yet I am disappointed. I look down and still see a stomach that annoys me. I could be referred to plastic surgery but my BMI is still too high so I told the team not to bother yet. I have sixty pounds to lose to reach my goal. That sixty pounds is so small compared to the one hundred and sixty I have already lost, but its still between me and my goal. I checked my BMI the other day.. a number that is very important to weight loss surgery patients before surgery because if its too high you cant have the surgery until it is lowered (and i started out at a bmi of 67, seven points too high for the surgery) and the bmi calculator told me that to get to my optimum weight I still need to lose between 23 and 60 Kgs. KILOGRAMS!!! that's well over a hundred pounds. Its disheartening. I lost sight of the point that I have lowered my BMI by by twenty six points. I mentioned this to the team and they told me these calculations do not take into account where I came from. I know that from here on out things will be harder. It will be hard to lose weight again. So Im kind of disappointed and kind of not disappointed if that makes any sense. proud of where ive come from but not quite happy with where I am. Maybe I may have to let go of the idea of perfection in my head. There is a weight and a look that I want to be... and realistically I may not ever achieve it... but I have achieved a one hundred and sixty pound weight loss. I realized today what my body has been through... its been through a war. I have abused it for thirty six years, then I cut out over half of its stomach, made it survive on less eight hundred calories a day, filled it full of scars, shocked it completely by working out after spending years not walking further than my house to the car, Its been trough a lot, and who am I to abuse it further by not embracing where it is now. Sure Im not finished, but I have come a long way. So if you are like me and are in the midst of a life change and your body hasn't caught up to where your mind sees it, don't be too hard on it, love what you have!