Saturday, 29 February 2020

From Journey To Discovery

It's no secret that I began this blog because I didn't like the person I looked at in the mirror every day, actually I hated her. (wow... the beginning of this post is dark). I have always felt like there were two Amandas. the one inside, and the physical me, and there was one of them that I hated. Hate is such a strong word, and I rarely use it, but oh how I hated my reflection. Recently Micah and I have started a new series, Locke and Key. (soooooo good!!!) There is a moment in the show that Nina Locke looks at her reflection and her reflection smirks back at her, but she's not smiling. (I hope this isn't a spoiler for anyone) Its a scary moment, but I feel like this is what my reality has been since I was a little girl. There has always been a disconnect between me and my body. Things have gotten better in the last few years and I have come to accept parts of me that I used to despise... ACCEPT... not love. So I am asking myself, How do I get there? How do I finally treat myself the way I treat everyone else in my life? Apparently that is a very hard thing to do. How do you change a thought pattern you have had for forty years? I started following all the body positive accounts I could find, reading, educating myself, kept Lizzo on blast... but as many body positive influences are out there, there are more internet doctors and specialists that have PHD's in discouragement (not real doctors) that are only concerned about the fact that actually accepting our bodies glorifies obesity. "How dare you love yourself, how dare you question or challenge societies acceptable image of what a body is supposed to look like. (that means you Jillian Micahals) PSA, never read the comment section. NO ONE IS GLORIFYING OBESITY!! Dont get me wrong, I know the benefits of being active, feeding your body nourishing foods, and making yourself the best version of you. These are things that I have put on the back burner lately. I haven't been active in a long time, and when I think about it I feel guilty... and I really miss my trainer (insert sad face). Life has spun out of control this year and priorities have shifted, not for the better in some cases. So how do I find the version of Amanda that I can be ok with? Whatever Amanda I am at the moment I should be ok with, but again, head knowledge and actual acceptance and self love are very disconnected for me. So this blog shall now become my journey of self discovery, its time I got to know myself and accept myself on a deeper level... my reflection has been neglected for a long time. If you want to tag along and read you are more than welcome!! I am going to leave you with a quote from the fabulous Bodyposipada, I hope to one day live this quote... "Sometimes even now when I catch me reflection I'll get a flash of 'this isn't flattering', until I remind myself that flattering is whatever I want it to be, and I strut on feeling like a body positive queen. Wear whatever you want to wear, buy the size you actually need, and forget the fashion police - you look flawless. (Megan Jayne Crabbe, Body Positive Power).

Wednesday, 2 May 2018

So, When Does The Struggle End?? Anyone Know?

Why???? Why did I weigh today? Sigh, actually no, *enormous sigh* I feel like I have been on a bit of a downward spiral for a few months now. I found out that I had an issue with my iron about five months ago, it was on the low side and I had been taking supplements, so I guess it started around then. I had been eating healthy, (mainly) working out fairly regularly, maintaing and pretty much being me. I felt pretty good. Cue sickenss... I became extremely exhausted, tired like I have never experienced in my life. This is when I started taking iron, and also started taking lots of naps. Night shifts became almost impossible to recover from. I would spend days catching up on lost sleep, something I have never experienced before. I have worked jobs doing nights my whole life, so I am pretty used to them, but now I was feeling the effect for days. Around this time I began finding it more and more difficult to work out, So i started slacking off. Somewhere in the middle of my exhaustion, I got a weird, I guess you can call it sickness that made things even worst. (DISCLAIMER! dont think this is me making excuses... just telling my story... I do not enjoy excuses) I developed a horrible pain in my face. I had thought it was coming from my tooth, however after a trip to the dentist and dental x rays, we discovered there was nothing wrong with my teeth. Still the pain continued. I was miserable. I went to my doctor and got antibiotics for a possible sinus infection, but weeks later and I still had pain. In the midst of this my activity level plummeted. I stopped moving, took copious ammounts of pain medication, in turn making my stomach feel horrible. One of my favorite activities is snow shoeing, I seriously love it, however, the minute the cold would hit my face I would be in agony. You should have seen my trying to get from my house to the car... I looked like a mummy! So snowshoeing was out of the question, even bundled up. I know I could have been active inside, treadmill, eliptical, or something else, but the level of exhaustion was overwhelming. There was one day at work, I was heading out to do a simple task, I sat in my car and cried because I was just so tired. This was not me at all. I was a mess. Somewhere in the middle of all this, I lost my desire to think about anything healthy. I craved sugar, carbs, sweets, saltly things, and anything that was super easy to prepare. I enoy preparing food. I love meal prep days for work. But some where along the line of being sick and tired, i just lost the drive. seriously, a mess. I felt like I didnt know myself anymore. So after explaining all that, I am not sure why I was shocked by the number on the scale. I dont normally weigh, but i do feel I need to keep track, and I have goals set for myself that do not include weight, but the surgeon who will hopefully perform my skin removal surgery wants a specific number, so I needed to check. So there was a gain.... ummmmmm I know im honest with you, but in being kind to myself and my journey, Im not going to say a number. And believe me, I know that the number does not define me. But it does have power to throw me off for a bit. Im trying to take the power that the scale has over me back. It means nothing, and if I wasnt aiming for something like the surgery, I would probably never weigh again (take that scales!!!) So here I am, trying to live a live a life that is healthy, balanced, and body positive, but yet that scale has a way of telling me things that are not true. So I ask, when does it all end. I thought it would end after surgery. I thought that would fix it... nope. Then I thought it would end when i started being active regularly, that would fix it... nope. I guess for me it dosn't end, its a cycle. Im never finished I guess. So I will keep on working at it. As long as there is struggle, keep fighting. Ive started moving agian, little by little, and I am going to leave you with a pic of me and Bill after our first run a couple of days ago. Notice if you will, the magenta colour of my face. I didn't realize my face had the ability to turn this colour... interesting!! At the end of the day, I just want to be me, and comfortble with me. Thanks for reading. I'll keep you posted. .

Wednesday, 18 April 2018

Its The Little Things

Sometimes in life the littlest things can make a rough day, week, moment, month, or year, seem just a little brighter. I feel that this blog has moved from my journey to lose weight, and on to my overall journey of health and acceptance of me. My food journey, my fitness journey, my health journey, both physical and mental. A part of my overall health journey was being sent for a mammogram today. For fairly obvious reasons... I guess if you find something you check it out, right. I have had this test before, many years ago. I remember it being an awkward, and uncomfortable experience. Today I went in fully expecting the same experience. I was met by a very nice lady who showed me the gown to put on, and gave me instructions.When I picked up the gown I noticed that it felt crispy and new. My many experiences with hospital gowns have been terrible. They never used to fit me. I remember pulling them on, embarrassed that they didn't fit, uncomfortable, mad, inevitably making the test 100 times worst. Its a feeling of disappointment in yourself for not fitting in the gown, and a disappointment in health care for not being accommodating to your very existence. A feeling of disappointment in life in general (thats my experience) Today I took that bright pink half gown wrap and put it on. No joke, this little gown was adorable! It wrapped around me comfortably, tied in a bow in the front like a cute little top. I walked into the mammogram room(does that room have a name? hmmm not sure) any way, I walked into that room feeling all cute! When I looked at myself in the change room mirror, I actually smiled. I'm kinda kicking myself now for not snapping a picture... sadly this will be a picture less blog post. (insert sad face) I mentioned to the lady doing the test that the gown was kind of adorable and she told me that they were fairly new. The test was horrible, uncomfortable, painful, squishy, and all around yucky, but imagine how much worst it would have been if I didn't walk in feeling all sorts of cute! Yup, its the little things. Do something little for someone today. You have no idea how it will make them feel. Thanks Western Health for that cute pink little moment! I have been writing blogs and not posting them lately... so there will be more to come soon. Have a wonderful day. Please don't forget how amazing you are!!

Saturday, 20 January 2018

Oh It Is So Silly

Some days I make myself scratch my head. It's all just so silly. Take yesterday for instance, Its actually absurd when I think about it. I'm up, it's morning, I'm making myself a berry, protein, tofu, smoothie with kale or spinach. Later it's salmon and veggies for lunch. For supper I had chicken breast with steamed veggies and quinoa. Cue seven o'clock pm, my internal clock tells me its time to go on a massive hunt for anything sweet, snacky, sticky, gooey, salty or carby. (carby, definition = food jam packed with as many carbs as possible) I think that covers it all. I really wish I could understand my brain. I know how to eat. I know how to eat and be healthy. What I don't know is how to control my urges and compulsions to eat. For Christmas I told Bill I wanted no chocolate, chips, candy, or such in my stocking. so instead he got me, protein bars, protein chips, sugar free gummy bears, dehydrated fruit... you get the picture. He actually even went a little bit further, he bought me a dandy little blender with to go cups for my smoothies, and great little containers for meal prep. (which I am ALL about!! He knows me pretty well) OH!!! and he gave me this amazing piece of awesomeness (not health related) This amazing invention is a back pack carrier for your cat. Me and the kitties are going to be so on the go this summer. any way... back to the actual blog. So adamant!!! No unhealthy treats for me! But guess what I did, I ate allllllllll the treats! So I'm guessing I need my stomach and my brain to coordinate themselves and get their stuff together. I am so tired of the same old cycle I seem to be stuck in. It never ends. I honestly thought I would be over this by now. It's hard to be in a constant struggle of trying to start over. this picture describes my cycle. I want this mentality to be out of my life. I'm tired of continually starting over, waiting for monday, after christmas, after a function... I'm just tired of starting over. This cycle makes me claustrophobic. My anxiety manifests itself in dreams and I am dreaming these dreams continually lately. I'm sure my previous blogs have described some of these dreams. Reversing my standard car up a hill and continually stalling out, not being able to physically fit through tiny doors, crawling up a hill of sand and it always foundering as I try to climb. These are horrible dreams, and its the same feeling of not being able to Finnish the cycle I am at in my life. So I decided to google these types of dreams, and google is telling me they are called anxiety dreams. Good to know that it is actually a thing. According to google, not being able to complete a task in a dream is caused by dreamer anxiety. So this is my life. You probably don't know this but I am having a HUGE moment right now after googling my dream symptoms... and realizing conclusions I had made were right. MIND IS BLOWN! So I am guessing it may be time to take it a little easier on myself, which is like telling myself not to breathe today. Oh incidentally, when I'm in those anxiety ridden dreams I also cant breathe. So I will TRY to be easier on myself. I will also keep on working on me, were all works in progress I guess. You be easier on yourselves too... life is hard, life is tough, but we are tougher. You are amazing, believe it. Thanks for being on this journey with me, Im glad for the company.

Saturday, 25 November 2017


Hello all. Just thought I would write a quick blog about something that happened to me this week. Its a very special time for the Squires' this week. Any time there is a new comic book movie its a big deal for us, all of us. Justice League was playing in Corner Brook and we were all going. This is an event. It's a holiday for our geeky souls. Birthday, anniversary, Christmas... Someone modified and geekified our nativity. (it was the wisest men they could find) Watching my children's faces during these movies is comparable to watching them on Christmas morning. It's like them seeing thier oldest friends come to life...and mine too. It's kind of a big deal! Something else corresponded with the upcoming movie. BLACK FRIDAY. Off we go to brave the masses. Of course we end up shopping at all of our geeky stopming grounds (of which there are three, seriously West Coast??) Happily we go on our geeky merry way. Don't we look happy? During our walk through one of our favorite geeky stores (which shall remain unnamed because I still love it) I see it. A reversable Wonder Woman hoodie. REVERSABLE. I call out to Bill and James. "hey look, they made a shirt for me" I look at the tag. YASSSSSSSSSSS! You see I normally wear a xl, but who dosn't love a little room. This night was getting better and better! I excitedly pull the hoodie off the rack, but something dosn't feel right. I look at the tag again, yup, it says xxl. I hold it up and look at it from various angles, hold it against my frame and the calculations are not adding up. So at this point I call over my 15 year old 145 pound child. (145 pounds stretched over a 5 foot 11 frame, yes hes quite slim) "Put this on" I tell him, and he obliges willingly. It fits, just barely. DOES ANYTHING ABOUT THIS PICTURE LOOK RIGHT TO ANY OF YOU??? I have close to one hundred pounds on this child, yeah why not, honesty sounds good tonight. How is this an xxl? So then I start second guessing myself. Is this a youth size? Nope its in the section with adult clothes. Is the tag wrong? NOPE, wanna know how I know? I held it along side the even smaller size xl. I was crushed. SPOILER COMING!! I was as crushed as Steppenwolfs axe was when Wonder woman beat the absolute crap out of it!!!!! Wonder Woman is an Amazonian Princess... do you know what Amazonian Princesses are? Are they itty bitty? NOPE!! They are BIG, strong, muscular, powerful women. When I think about it that is what I want to be, Strong, powerful in my own way, muscular, and if that means a little bigger, I am going to try and be ok with that to. For this moment however, im just feeling soooo mad. I really wanted that shirt! I think wonder woman would be disapointed in you people who made this unrealistic expectation and marvelous hoodie that I will never wear, because im bigger.. Oh well, at least I still have these. If this is the last time I get to chat with you before the holiday season, Merry Christmas, I hope you have a wonderful holiday. Love and cherish every moment. Each year feels like a breath. Enjoy each one. And enjoy this picture of my girlies all dressed up for the season!

Wednesday, 8 November 2017

Defining Depriving.

Some days I feel like I have been depriving myself for as long as I can remember. I became enslaved to the diet culture from the age of... around seven if I were to really think back. I can remember trying to lose weight when I was a very tiny little girl. However, I would NEVER have described myself as tiny. I was the biggest girl in the world. Sometimes I feel like I have spent a life time depriving myself of something I can never really stop doing, eating. I have already told you about feeding my school lunches to my dog before school in the morning, being hungry in the day, and having an eternally grateful Golden Lab. That is depriving. I entered into an unhelthy cycle of eating, not eating, binge eating, restricting, and binging again. Its a messed up scenario. So for the past four years these actions have not really been a major part of my life. I dont binge (much). I eat healthy, (for the most part). And I try not to be quite so hard on myself (mainly). But there are still days when I feel like because of my relationship with food, and how thouroughly messed up it is, I feel like I am always in depravition mode. Wishing, wanting, craving and depriving. IT IS EXHAUSTING!!! I was having this very conversation with Bill today on the way home from a doctor's appointment. Lamenting all the lost halloween treats, chineese food, cake, and icecream that I would love to be eating. He said something kinda profound. (Bill has been on a journey with me as well, he's the one with the most clarity of thought on the process because hes been watching it all.) He reminded me of what I am eating, What I am doing, What I have done, and what I am investing in now. He said... and I quote... "you aren't depriving yourself. Im depriving myself by eating that garbage and feeling like crap. You would be depriving yourself if you stopped doing what you are doing, because youll feel like crap too. You would be depriving yourself of the way you should really be living." So there you have it. Time to adjust my thinking again. This is a hard process, but anything worth doing is worth working hard for. Im still working, hard, and I'll keep you all posted.

Saturday, 2 September 2017

Winter Is Comming

Well this summer has been a whlrlwind. Like, where did it go? I am so sad to feel fall starting. Do I love fall? Absolutely! The smell of the wind with the tinge of wood smoke (i know there is no smell to wind... but in fall there is!) leaves falling and dancing in that smokey scented wind, and oh the colours. All the shades of orange, firey red, and browns. In essence, fall is my favorite, however, it ushers in my least favorite... winter. I feel like I live my whole life in some state of winter. During winter I endure it. During spring I am so thankful that its over, and still shaking off my winter blues. During summer I cautiously enjoy my two weeks of sun, but somewhere in the back of my mind I know how fast time goes and... Its coming. During fall I inevitably await the first fall of snow. And then the cycle begins again. With that said, winter is my most physically active time. I snow shoe every single day! When I am in the woods on the trails, music in my ears, snow softly falling, blankets on the tree branches and pure white on the ground in front of me, usually alone, or with my boys, or some good friends, I feel at peace. Totally at peace, like I cant ever remember feeling at any other time in my life. Dare I say this is my happy place?? surrounded by the cold and snow that I hate! Hmmmm interesting. There is another feeling I have on the trails as well. I feel strong there. I rarely feel strong. I have always felt weaker, slower, and not powerful. This is a place I feel strengh. Its the opposite of how I feel during my favorite month. Im very disapointed in myself this summmer, ive been slacking. Im still trying but not quite feeling good about my choices. Actually thats not true, I make great choices. Its when I mindlessly eat that I become so frustrated with myself. I feel powerless about this mindless, uncontrolled, compulsive eating. Its a good thing I have been trying to remain as active as possible. I think that is what is saving me. And the fear of failure is still looming, the fear of going back. Generally the choices I make are good. My plans are good. My meal prep for 12 hour shifts are usually lovely, healthy, amazing choices. Its the mindless eating that gets me. Ughhhhhh! Any one else struggling with this? Im working on it though... its a journey, not a race. Also this has been the best summer I can remember. I am in a six month full time position and with a schedule i have been able to make plans. For this I am beyond grateful. More thankful than I can even express to have this amazing summer with the people I love and actually be with them and make plans. It has ment taking each moment I was off to GO! This summer has included, Norstead, Lanse Aux Medows, another mountain, avalon expo, Main Brook, Rose Blanche light house, and above all family and friends that I love. We have family with us now, and I am free to spend time with them because its my weekend off! WHATTTTT!!?? Best summer. So I am still working on it. Got my support system in place. Its not easy, actually its the hardest thing I have ever done, but im doing it. Ill keep you posted.