Monumental day

So I have had another monumental day today. Last year around this time I had reached my highest weight and felt really bad about myself. I didn't want to go out in public, I hated looking in mirrors, I found it difficult to drive my standard because my stomach hit the steering wheel making it difficult to reach my clutch to change gears, I found it increasingly difficult to go to work because the thirteen stairs I had to walk up and down made me short of breath and on one occasion gave me heart palpitations, I couldn't wear a seat belt, and the list goes on and on. One thing I didn't add to this list is I felt sad when my husband hugged me because he couldn't get his arms around me. Well this morning my twelve year old had to write his first ever final exam. So we started the day off by going through all the rituals of sharpening pencils, taking a bunch of pictures, drilling him on terms, and of course our morning hug. I hugged him really tight because my big boy was growing so fast. It seems like yesterday I was getting ready to write exams and my parents were getting pencils ready, mom drilling me on terms, running out the door, dad getting his tea as I repeated over and over we were going to be late, (but we were never ever late) So I squeezed my boy extra tight (and he is so sweet and affectionate he was squeezing me too) and at the same moment both of us looked at each other as we realized what had happened. My small twelve year old with his short little arms had hugged me and clasped his hands behind my back. It was a glorious moment. Both of us burst laughing at the same time without either one of us saying a word... of course me with a instant build up of tears, what a awesome feeling. My whole family has been going through every moment of this amazing roller coaster. Me and my little man got to have one of the coolest moments ever because of it. And then we did a little happy dance. James just said WOW! Oh how my life has changed in the last ten months. I now love to go out in public. I LOVE looking in mirrors. I pull my seat as far ahead as I can in my jeep with tonnes of room to spare in my seatbelt. I run the stairs at work just because I can. And getting hugs from my boys, all three of them, is the best feeling in the world. What a gift I have been given. I hesitate to put up the picture I am about to put up because I hate absolutely hate how I look in it. But it gives some perspective about how far I have come... so here goes my newest before and after picI just wanted to share this moment with you all who have been travelling this journey with me. Ill be keeping you posted! Oh!! and I would like to introduce you to the newest member of our family, meet Habby!! Isn't she adorable... and yes bill named her after the Montreal Canadians.

Weight Prejudice

Hello all my friends. I trust you are doing well. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you all for reading my blog, the traffic has tripled in the past few months because of all you amazing people reading! I'm doing awesome. I have reached the hundred pound since surgery mark,over one hundred and thirty all together, but what is more amazing is that I feel better than I did when I was 20, and believe me I'm significantly older than that! My birthday is in a couple of days and I keep thinking about my birthday last year. Big ol pity party sitting in front of my bowl of cream of mushroom soup. Well for this birthday I could care less if I eat or not! Again i'm so grateful for this life changing surgery and my new lease on life. So that's my update about me, but that's not what this blog is about. I would like to throw out the topic of fat discrimination. It seems I have become way more sensitive to it than I was when I weighed almost four hundred pounds.I think when I was creeping up to that four hundred pound mark I had numbed myself to that feeling so much it would just roll off of me, now not so much.(it seems I have also become very analytical about my feelings... not sure if that is a good thing or not, maybe its the counselling) I get offended for myself and everyone else. I notice that its everywhere. I see it on tv, I hear my children being taunted, I see it on their games, its unbelievable. I will give you a few examples. My twelve year old came home from the playground the other day acting very quiet and blue, so I asked him what was wrong and he told me that a child kept calling him hippo. Really, are we still in the stage where children call each other hippo? I wanted to go and tear the playground up. But my over reacting is what probably led my very gentle twelve year old (who is not overweight) to go and hit this child a few days later. (that was a fun call from the principal) Then just yesterday my boys were playing xbox, the game was ghost busters, a game that James earned by babysitting for me. I was just puttering around when I heard one of the ghost busters say to peter about an obese ghost "peter you should take this one" to which peter replied "so now i'm a chubby chaser? Take out one plump girl on a date, like her personality and you never hear the end of it"! Really, really!!??!! What year are we living in. Why is it not ok to discriminate against people, but its ok to discriminate against weight? Why are we people noticing if someone dates a "Plump" girl? Why are we defining a person on whether they are plump or not?SO when I heard this I just stood in the middle of the living room staring at the television, while everyone else stared at me with a blank look on their faces. Bill said "what?" so I said, didn't you just hear what he said? It was obvious that no one else noticed so I got James to back track on the game and there it was clear as day for my little children to hear. It is unbelievable. Again I ask, why is it not ok to discriminate against anyone... that is unless they are fat. Those are the things that make young girls starve themselves and throw up till the point of death, and those are the things that make young girls eat themselves to the point of death. I have been doing a lot of research on eating disorders through my counselling and on my own. while i was at work the other night I picked up a book written by a doctor about her two daughters who had anorexia. She got them to write their feelings about themselves in a diary and while reading it I could have been reading my own thoughts. It seems that eating disorders follow a similar thought pattern whether it be binge eating or anorexia. It all comes down to the duality of hating food and loving food, this leading to the hating of ones own self. I am facinated by it. An eating disorder is really a disordered mind, so we really don't need members of society making us feel like we should be ashamed to walk out our door. SO there is my rant for the day. feel free to chime in on it, id love to hear your opinion.By the way, if you feel you have an eating disorder and feel the need for some help the hope program is a great resource that i have been make aware of recently. There is help out there. http://www.edfnl.ca/ This is a link to the hope program

Fixing Me... All Of Me

I know it wasn't that long ago that I posted, but I felt that I needed to post again. Counselling is probably the best thing I have ever done for myself. Its wonderful and eye opening, its making me actually think about my recovery. I get to read lots of information and actually do something about it. Im really learning why I do what I do, but most importantly Im learning how to control it. Am I cured? Far, far from it, however, I am more aware, and awareness can bring about great change. I have decided to take an holistic approach to my recovery/healing, holistic being defined as "relating to or concerned with complete systems rather than with individual parts". (websters online dictionary) So I plan to focus on my physical, emotional, and spiritual well being, not just my compulsive tendency to eat. I have been an emotional eater all of my life. I eat to deal with whether I am sad, happy, depressed, desperate, vulnerable, you name an emotion and it causes me to eat. When I eat I stuff down the emotion and I never truly deal with it or even feel it. Food numbs it. How unhealthy is that!! Not all emotions are bad, but im eating and numbing out the good ones too because my emotional eating dictates how I feel and eating always makes me feel one thing... bad. Let me explain to you the cycle of my life. I feel bad, so I eat, I then feel good for a quick moment while im eating, then I feel bad for eating and losing control so I beat myself up emotionally, this makes me feel bad, then I eat to numb that, but when im finished I feel bed again... can you see a pattern developing? Its my terrible cycle. In my life I talk about cycles a lot, the cycle of abuse and violence. This is my cycle of abuse. I do not say this lightly, because this is a topic I have very passionate feelings about, but in this cycle I am abusing myself, and I have been for a very long time. Id never let someone else hurt me or hold this power over me, but I have yet to stop my own self. This was my epiphany for the week, I have given all of my power to food, and its time for me to take my power back. I was encouraged to write a list of accomplishments, document how far I have come, so here is my list -I can walk 5k as opposed to five houses -walked a trail and my children couldn't keep up with me, when i turned around at one point this is what I found -bought two regular sized shirts in a regular store (two of them for under twenty dollars... what???) -can cross my legs -can sit in chairs with arms... with lots of room -can go to movies comfortably -decided to take part in zumbathon (again... WHAT???) -tried yoga for the first time (my own version of yoga where I meditate with prayer) -took small second job because I have tones of energy (a one month cleaning job) So things are changing. I still eat emotionally and maybe I always will have a tendency to do that, but at least I am aware of it, and as I said earlier, awareness births change. Thought I would share a pic of me today, notice Im wearing horizontal stripes again! (oh yeah and I dont think you can see it in this pic but I have collar bones!!)

100 pounds down!!!

So since the last time I posted I have reached a huge milestone in my journey. I have lost one hundred pounds since july. I have actually lost one hundred and two now since july 19th. If I were to count from the beginning of my journey I have lost 123 pounds. There are days when I feel very accomplished and proud of where I have come, but that old Amanda is still in there. The Amanda that is never satisfied with herself and tends to punish herself mercilessly for the way that she works. I can only eat small portions (about a cup full some days, and others not that much) but I still have the same compulsions to pick and over eat. I wonder sometimes if that will ever go away. I have started counselling to help me through the fact that my problem isn't simply over eating. I have an eating disorder and have had one for as long as I can remember. I have never had a healthy relationship with food in my life. I have been reading a book recomended by my counsellor called "life without ed", ed being an eating disorder. I have come along the full spectrum when it comes to eating disorders, whether it be obsessively controlling every mouthful that goes inot my mouth to compulsivly eating and not being able to stop. I have come to realise that one of the hardest things to say when you are overweight is that you have an eating disorder. I always think people will laugh if I said that, but without a doubt the way I eat, and think about food is not normal. But i'm becoming more aware of how it is affecting me and how it has affected me. I cant stress enough that the surgery is simply a tool and it dosn't change the core of who you are. I am still that person with the eating disorder, I simply have a smaller stomach. I have to work on the main problem with my eating and use the surgery to help me lose weight. I have been trying to be very honest throughout this process, it keeps me accountable. I know there are others who sturggle with this too and I know that maybe reading my story may be some help. I found out this week that binge eating has been officially listed as an eating disorder, I wish I had known this earlier in my life. So I have lost a hundred pounds, but more than this I have gained some more insight into the bigger issue that lurks under the surface and that has always lurked under the surface. So I will keep you posted throughout the journey, but I know that the journey is not only about weight loss, its about self acceptance, self understanding, self realization, and a whole lot of hard work. Thanks again for reading, I hope some little tid bid helps you along your journey to self acceptance. Ill leave you with a before and after pic, hope you like it!

Milestones

In the past week I have passed two big milestones in my journey. The first milestone is that I have lost one hundred pounds since december of 2011. Seventy five of these pounds I lost since July of this year. Its funny, when I realized I had lost the hundred I was so excited... for a moment, then I quickly realized that, oh my goodness I still have all that way to go again! That was a very depressing thought and quickly made me defeated after my fleeting moment of excitement. The second milestone I passed was I went down a first digit in my weight! I have left the three hundreds forever!! So I am changing and I feel great. Since The last time I wrote I have noticed lots more changes. I am walking close to four kms a day now and actually enjoying it. I have noticed at my work the stairs I used to have to take a break walking up I now run up. Also I took out my drivers license, which has a new picture that was taken in july and I almost didn't recognize myself. So I thought I'd share it with you. The fist pic was taken four months ago and the second was taken yesterday. Thats where Im at today, I'll keep you posted.

WOW!!! Things Are Changing!!!

Over the past week or so I have noticed several big changes in my self. As I mentioned in other posts I have a standard jeep. I love driving my jeep but my weight has produced several problems while driving it. I cant reach the clutch because the steering wheel is situated in a place that makes it very difficult(in front of my stomach) and I have very short legs. I couldn't do up the seat belt in my jeep it was smaller than seat belts in other cars that I have driven in. I was getting ready to go to work the other day and I jumped in our jeep that had been out of commission since my surgery and I pulled my seat ahead and noticed that I wasn't reaching for the clutch... hmmm that's new, since my seat was pulled ahead I didn't think for a moment that the seat belt would fit... well it did. with room to spare!!! I was in shock. I have never been able to pull my seat forward and do up my seat belt, actually I have never been able to pull my seat forward period. Yay me!! I was in church today and was sitting in my usual spot and all of a sudden I realized HEY I have my legs crossed! It has been years since I was able to cross my legs. again, Yay me!! I have been exercising (walking and swimming) but I love swimming. I had been wearing my regular swim suit (I posted a pic of it on an earlier blog) and one unfortunate day I almost lost it in the arts and culture center pool. Here is honesty again in full force, my swim suit was a size 5x, my mom sent me a brand new suit size 2x and it fit perfectly, cant stress this enough... YAY ME!! Just thought I'd pass along my good news this week. Ill keep you posted.

Differences so far

I am a little over six weeks post op and there are so many differences in my life now as compared to before my surgery. I have lost thirty eight pounds since my surgery and fifty two pounds since july 19th. Since two years ago I have lost 75 pounds. I cant wrap my head around the seventy five pounds because it came off so slow and it seems like I never really lost it, but when I look at pictures of myself at that time I can definitely see a difference from then till now. The pics on the left are of me two years ago, the ones on the right are of me now since surgery. I have noticed so much difference in my ability to walk and my energy level. I still get really tired throughout the day and I'm sure that is because I'm only averaging 400 calories a day yet. When we were in st johns for my appointment there was a line up to the registration that was insane, this pic is of the lineup outside of the registration office that stretched back as far as I could see and of course I was at the end of it. One of my probelms in the past couple of years is that I cant stand for long periods without getting a horrible pain in my back and then I would start sweating. Under normal conditions I would have died in that lineup. Sweating, cranky to the point of crying, and ready to have a meltdown. This time however I breezed through and when Bill came to see me after parking the car he was shocked that I was fine and hanging out in the line up didn't bother me at all. Thirty five minutes later and I was not sweating or having my usual meltdown. (I also had meltdowns in store lineups... it wasn't pretty) when we left the hospital Bill looked at me with a worried look on his face (not worried about me, worried about his own well being because he is well aware of my track record) he said "there is a long walk to the car you can sit here on the bench and I can pick you up." I thought about it for a moment and said "nah ill walk" I walked to the car and it was a long way but i didn't even break a sweat, Bill on the other hand was huffing and puffing the whole way. Yeah, there is a big difference in me already. My appointment with the surgeon and the team went remarkably well. My blood work and blood pressure are perfect. Things are going wonderfully and I am so thankful to have had this surgery. The old me creeps back in some times and feels sad that I cant have a big meal and pig out anymore... but those moments are fleeting now compared to the pity and regret party I had in the beginning. This surgery was a gift and i'm so thankful for the opportunity. I had to walk up a flight of stairs last night, not a huge flight but not a small flight either and i didn't find it hard at all. Stairs used to be my nemesis! Before I had my surgery and was working the stairs used to make me out of breath for ten minutes after I was back in the office. I had to have a recovery time. I was impressed with myself last night. Things are changing for the better and I'm so happy. I still get times where I realize how far I have to go. It seems like there is no end in sight. The amount of weight I want to lose seems overwhelming, but then I look at old pictures and realize how far I have come. Bill took this before pic of me about two weeks before my surgery and the after pics are of me a couple of sundays ago. I can see a huge difference. I have fears of the dreaded slack skin (which i have already noticed) but being able to shop with my little man at toys r us for an hour looking at every single item in the store, without getting tired and frustrated shows me that things are getting better. Micah has trouble making decisions and LOVES to shop. I definitely need to get more exercise in and soon have to start walking, I have been really bad at that part of it. I have been swimming and going to aqua fit but I know I need to step it up. I will see an even bigger difference then. Tanks for following me in my journey, ill keep you updated.