Thanks Again Grenfell!!

     So another night another stop on my journey... this stop includes again, major embarrassment. I don't enjoy writing these post that embarrass me, tonight however, I am so frustrated I feel like I have no choice but to write about it. I guess its therapeutic. This has been one of the worst weeks I can ever remember. I worked three night shifts in a row, no big deal I do that all the time, I can catch up on my sleep when they are over. I can unless my husband gets an attack of the kidney stones and we spend our three nights off awake waiting for the pain to go away or visiting our emergency room. The valuable time we are in between kidney stone attacks, instead of studying for my upcoming exams I end up sleeping because lets face it, sleep takes over even when you don't want it to.
     Thankfully bill passed the stone this morning, this evening I had an exam. So after nights of no sleep, driving back and forth to corner brook, waiting in waiting rooms, and worrying, I have an exam. Did I study? Yes I did. Was it good quality studying? Probably not. But going into the exam I knew my stuff. I Walk toward the exam room, after walking up two flights of stairs huffing and puffing (and sweating) I see that people are already writing the exam.... Oh no! please tell me I didn't miscalculate the time of the exam again. A gentleman walks toward me and tells me my exam has been moved. IMMEDIATELY I get sick to my stomach... oh no not again. So I walk to where he has pointed, there is a room with no desks, I think "well that's odd, but no desks are better than little desks!" The invigilator says to me "Amanda" (she knows me by name, I think that's nice) were sorting it all out the exam is down the hall. I walk down the hall and see a room full of tiny little desks like my little boy sits at in school. I groan inwardly and walk back to the invigilator. Sensing my panic her and the other invigilator begin talking quietly and nodding. They call me over "the only solution we have is to have you write the exam with the french class (GREAT), however its an oral french exam, so a cd will be playing throughout the whole test.So here are my choices, go and write the exam in a room with no chair I can sit in or in a room where a french woman is rambling on for fifty minutes.All while making this decision the people in the hall are staring at me. It frustrates me to write an exam when pages are being turned much less another language being spoken. The people writing the french test had to move toward the front of the class because the cd couldn't be turned on full blast because the group next door wouldn't be able to concentrate!!!!!
     So i begin writing my exam... The five principles of feminist social work are... COMMENT ALLEZ VOUS!! 

OK, so i start again, The five principles of feminist... BONJOUR MADAMOSELLE!!!!   One more time... The five principles of fe... C'EST BIEN!!!!  So this went on for the remainder of my exam. Not a good night. I try to end these blogs on a positive note but to be honest I really don't think there is a positive note to end it on. Its so gross to be writing a final with tears burning the back of your eye lids and a huge lump in your throat. SIGH. So i Guess Ill plug on. Ill resist the urge to buy a tub of butterscotch icecream to bring to work with me and hope for a better night tomorrow night when i write my english exam.

successes :)

     I know i just posted a blog the other day but i was flicking through a few pics on my son's phone and saw this pic of me and him during Christmas (isn't he cute).

while trying to get a pic of my new glasses to send my cousin, (because I think they are Ginormous) I took this I can see a difference... can you?

Set Backs... Make That Temporary Set Backs

So today I'm going to talk about set backs... mainly because I'm in the middle of a huge one. Ughhh, once again I am suffering from self destruction. Its hard to understand the hold that food has over my life. I don't think I will ever be able to fully understand it. I never self sabotage because of hunger. Hunger does not make me eat... wanting to eat makes me eat. There are lots of excuses I could use to explain my set back this time.
     Excuse #1. Night shifts. I have been working a large number of night shifts recently. Now, when I work a night I have to eat or I just  feel horrible... actually it is a twelve hour work day, only its dark out. So I bring munchy food to get me through the hours that i want to be sleeping but cant. Of course i give myself allowance because "I'm only doing this to get myself through the night" the thing is I could still be making wise choices at night, but I don't. so my excuse holds very little validity.
     Excuse #2. I've been sick. I have to admit, I have never been as sick as I have been recently. I had the worst flu ever. Because of this I totally gave myself allowance to stop... well, everything. I didn't exercise because I had no energy, I didn't eat right because I had no energy to put into working at getting healthy meals. I really wanted comfort food. One day of comfort food turned into the next, which turned into the next, and so on and so on.
     Excuse #3. studying. I have had so much work to do that every evening I have been studying and writing papers and reading Shakespeare, how could i ever have time to exercise while doing all this! Ten minutes of walking is impossible!! (sarcasm) for all of you that do not know me well... I always need to clarify when I am being sarcastic... just in case.
     Throughout my life one thing I have been exceptionally good at when it comes to eating is making excuses about my eating. I really need to wrap my head around the fact that I'm not dieting this time...  am getting healthy, and I really, really want to be healthy. The surgery I am on the waiting list for is looming ahead of me next year some time I assume, and I really need to be as strong as I can be to get through it. I cant put any more weight on, (besides the seven pounds I put back on already... I promised id be honest) and I need to lose as much as I possibly can before then.
     Once again I am starting over. There is no point in getting down and upset with myself, well more upset than I already am. So here goes, starting again. Feel free to follow along. I like the support!

Little Accomplishments!

     Hey, I thought I would talk about some of my little accomplishments. I have written about my weight loss so far, but there are more things happening besides the scales dipping down. Actually I have to admit that I  have had a bad food week. I seemed to have a bad beginning and it kept following me throughout the week. It really is a battle every day.
     On a positive note, I have been going to the gym, walking and generally trying to be more active. This week we are starting aqua size, I cant wait!! Since trying to become more active I have noticed some subtle changes. This week I had to have my eyes tested, and if you know anything about Corner Brook, you know its a city built on a hill. To get any where you either have to go up or down. So since I have started driving a standard I avoid hills at all cost. I drove to my appointment, parked on the bottom of the hill and walked up to the office, (in the pouring rain). When I got to the top of the hill I saw a sign in the window that said open in fifteen minutes. So i walked back down the hill, only to walk back up a few minutes later. I was sitting in the waiting room before i finally realised that I wasn't winded from the walk. My face wasn't red and I didn't feel like I could collapse. Little accomplishment #1.
     You all know that I find it difficult to admit just how far I have gone when it comes to my health and what shape I am in. One issue for me was going to church. I have suffered from a bad back for a while now and I assume it is connected to my weight. One problem this brings with it is standing for long periods of time. I get a horrible pain in my lower back, causing me to sit down when everyone else is standing. I would find this very embarrassing. This week I went back after being away for a few weeks, and noticed that my back didn't get bad while standing. I still felt the beginnings of the pain that caused me to sit down all the time, but it never got bad enough for me to actually have to sit down. Little accomplishment #2.
     We have a new car which I have mentioned several times, and I had been having difficulty reaching the clutch because I had the seat pushed way back because I felt tight sitting up too close. In the past week I have noticed that when i get in I pull the seat closer and closer to the steering wheel. I have noticed that I can pull it ahead way further and reaching the clutch is becoming a non issue. Little accomplishment #3
     Still dealing with the car, I have noticed that I have much more slack in the seat belt. Small accomplishment #4.
     I am seeing differences, If i can keep telling myself to keep on keeping on it should be all good. I do have trouble with night time eating... its been a struggle to avoid night time snacking, any one have any suggestions to offer? Any way, I thought I would keep you posted on my small accomplishments!

Mini... Actually Massive Melt Downs!!

     OK, I have come to realise that honesty is really hard. I planned on being open about every aspect of my weight loss journey this time, and had good intentions of telling the whole story, whether its pretty or not. But to be honest with you, that is really hard! I have secrets about eating and exercise that no one knows about but me, and to break down and tell some of those secrets is really disturbing, because then they aren't secrets any more. But I'm getting ahead of myself now.
     Not all of you know but I have been really sick for the last two and a half weeks, which meant my exercise would have to wait until I could actually breathe. Not a problem I told myself, Ill just follow the calorie plan and exercise when I was feeling better, but a strange thing happened, I didn't feel better. I was still coughing and wheezing and having trouble getting my breath. Yesterday I actually felt a little bit better. So I got ready, and with some encouragement from a good friend, went to the gym. I just used the treadmill for twenty minutes but I felt great, getting from the car to the house, that was another story. The cold has been really hurting my lungs, seriously this flu is getting the better of me. But I did go to the gym and I did feel great. So today I was supposed to walk outside, for ten minutes, (a couple of times throughout the day)  that's like five minutes up and five minutes back... seriously who can't do that... me apparently.
     When you leave my house there is a little hill, this hill really gets the better of me whether I am driving my new standard or walking. I have stalled there both in a vehicle and on two legs! Bill graciously agreed to come with me, I say graciously because he already knew it wasn't going to be a pleasant experience for him... i was not in a good mood. I was armed with bill for support, and my ipod for time... I planned to turn around at the five minute mark. Five minute mark! It sounds ridiculous now that I couldn't do it. As soon as I walked out the door I felt the cold hit my lungs, and it didn't feel good, but I kept on going. I got to the end of our driveway and started on the little hill that is my nemesis. I wasn't walking for two minutes when the thought came screaming in my head "I CANT DO THIS!!" so I turned to bill and said, "I can not do this." My chest was hurting, I couldn't get my breath, the hill looked like mount Everest, and I saw with perfect clarity just how far I had to go, not the top of the hill, but the mount Everest of losing over a hundred pounds. With that thought came the tears, on the side of the road I had a melt down. I cant walk five minutes up a small hill, yet I'm going to have to do this day after day, after day. I had that familiar feeling again, I give up. Its too hard. There is too far to go. And I don't have the strength... now get me a chocolate bar!

                                          (you will have to excuse bills thumb in the pic... oops!)

      Luckily bill was there to bring me back to reality. He managed to talk me into walking the rest of the way. So panting, coughing, and wheezing I made my way up the hill. I cried all the way home, I moaned on our little drive around town that I cant do it any more, I've done it so many times and it gets harder each time. I had quite a self pity party during that drive, talking about every past failed attempt to lose weight, how far I had to go, crying, and listening to every sad song on my ipod. So bill let me vent and cry for a while, then told me that from now on when I walk I will walk down the hill on the other side and walk for ten minutes and he will pick me up if I need him to. Ill bring the cell phone and call him, but ill still get my walking in.(I love him) I'm very lucky. So I'm feeling better again, and ill go out again, armed this time with an ipod and a cell phone. Just that little hill got the better of me... made me want to quit and of course eat chocolate. But I'm not going to, no matter how much I want to... here's hoping the next time is easier. Ill let you know.

Oh and I have an update for you, since seeing a personal trainer and being put on an actual plan I have lost eight pounds!

Honesty is Very Difficult

     When I started writing this blog, I made a promise to myself that i was going to be very honest about my weight issues, weight struggles and weight loss. Saying that i was going to be honest and actually being honest are two very different things. There are aspects about my weight that have caused me embarrassment in my life, and talking about this can be very difficult. With that said I made myself and you guys a promise, and I intend to keep it. Some times the truth hurts, and sometimes its downright agonising. For me, the truth of my weight and how it makes me appear to people is agonising. 

     I had one of the worst days of my life this year, and i really debated whether I would share it or not, but its a truth about my life, and I'm going to share it with you. Most of the people I am close to, know never to talk about my weight. It is a touchy, touchy subject. I grew up with an older brother who teased me about everything imaginable, not once however, did he make a negative comment about my weight. He knew the subject was off limits. When i was dating bill, he got the same impression early on that the subject is not to be talked about. People that made negative comments about my weight have been cut from my life, harsh truth but truth none the less. 

    This is seriously difficult for me to write, so I'm just going to do it.  I went back to university this year. Big undertaking, believe me. I'm a distance student but I write my exams at Grenfell. Before my first exam I got my sister in law to go to the college with me to make sure that the desks were OK. For those of you who have not had major issues with weight, those little desks in school may not terrify you like they do me. I was very relieved to see that the exam room consisted of long tables with chairs. So I wrote my two first exams with no complications. When I went to write my third I noticed that no one was in the exam room. I went looking around and to my horror I found where our exam was. It was moved to another class room and all the little desks were set up. I know at that moment my blood pressure sky rocketed. I had trouble breathing and felt heat rising from my neck right up to the top of my head. I had two choices at that moment, to run away and fail the exam, or to suck it up and deal with it. Every nerve in my body was screaming "run Amanda, its not worth it, just RUN!" I didn't run. I went to the invigilator and told her those desks were not going to work for me. She was very nice and told me there were chairs in the next room I could bring in. So I walked out to the next room, had a quick little cry, and dragged a chair into the exam room full of twenty something year olds who looked perfect, tiny and like they walked off the set of gossip girl (or insert any other twenty something age grouped television show here.)

I went in, humiliated, sat down with my chair pulled in awkwardly to one of those little desks, and aced that exam.

     I think that is the day I decided I was done being  controlled by something that I had complete control over. I have had enough of letting my emotions control my eating. That's when I started making plans. Plans including going to my doctor, being referred for surgery, and finding a personal trainer to help me change my life. I'm not saying that I'm not going to make mistakes, have slip backs (aka Mary browns and such), but i cant let  myself be controlled by it any more. I always think that people are laughing at me. Going out in public has become increasingly difficult for me lately, and I have spent a lot of my life in front of people. I sing, I have sung in front of thousands of people, (literally) and always before I sing I think to myself, people are probably snickering and smirking about me, but just give me a chance to open my mouth and ill show them what i can do... well I'm tired of feeling that people are snickering about me. I am educated, I have a good job, I have a husband that absolutely adores me, and children that couldn't be more beautiful than they are, (seriously, have you ever seen them... GORGEOUS!!) But any way, I have decided to be Amanda, the Amanda I am, and not the Amanda that I think people see. I'm really tired of trying to shrink into the background, trying to be invisible. I am me. I will leave you with a quote from my beautiful niece Melissa.  We went to the beach this summer and of course I didn't want to take my cover up off and get in the water. She gave me very wise advice, she said "who cares, i always say don't like it, don't look at it!" She has a good point. Dont let what you think other people are thinking dictate what you actually do. This is me being honest.

An Actual Plan

So I have another new start this week... I met with a personal trainer who gave me an exercise plan. Eeeeeeeek!!!! I'm scared but i'm pumped. Its really easy to slack off when you don't have a plan, well now I have a plan. And now i'm accountable to someone else besides myself (and all of you who are reading this). I'm really rooting for myself this time, and I have a lot to gain if I succeed. I do not want to have a surgery feeling the way I do right now, I want to make myself as strong as I can before having a major surgery. I had a baby at the weight I am now (well slightly less) and the recuperation process was horrible. I had an overwhelming fear of developing blood clots. I have lost the weight I need to lose as a requirement for surgery, but I haven't lost the amount that I require of myself before having major surgery.
     The intimidation that stopped me from contacting a trainer before now is still there, I hate people seeing my face turn red. and when I exercise my face turns bright RED! But lately my face turns red even doing simple things, cleaning my house or at work, or even things I love like singing. Going to the gym is going to be a major challenge for me, i'm lucky that I have a friend who is willing to go with me so I wont have to go alone. But the intimidation of people looking at me is always in the back of my mind. For some reason I have an irrational fear of people looking at me. If I could go through life invisible, i'm sure I would. I'm not sure what i'm worried about, but I hate when people look at me, i'm petrified of people laughing, and to be honest in the past that has happened, actually in the recent past. When I started this blog I promised myself that I would be honest, but I have to admit being honest is really hard sometimes.
    But I have lots of blessings when I think about it. Sometimes its easy to look at all the negatives around me, but if i really look at all of the positives in my life, i'm such a lucky person. I have a lovely little family, I have amazing friends, I have a nice place to live and as of tomorrow a new car (long story about the car!) If I go to the gym and someone does laugh (and this probably wont happen) really, what is the worst that can happen, ok ill cry, but i'm still doing something for myself and my future. So personal trainer it is, gym it is, walking it is, meal plan it is! Ill let you know how it works out.